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Saturday, February 28, 2015

Money

from OnlyFunnyStories.com

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Weight Loss Plan

from OnlyFunnyStories.com

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!

But Honey, what makes you think I had a little too much at the office party?

I would have sworn the package said Swiss.

Hello, are you the photographer from Vogue?

Wow! That was one very elusive fish!

You idiot, don't you know you are supposed to pass on the left?

No, I didn't read the part in the Bible about breaking bread together so just let go.

OK girls, I think we are ready for "Dancing With The Birds".

Come on Willard, quit acting like an CFL defensive back!

Snowshoe artist Simon Beck leaves his mark on Alberta

Snow art delights skiers, winter enthusiasts in Banff National Park

from cbc.ca
Snowshoe artist Simon Beck leaves his mark on Alberta

Snowshoe artist Simon Beck leaves his mark on Alberta

--more amazing photos and the story that accompanies them at cbc.ca

Friday, February 27, 2015

The Seven Wonders of the World

THE

SEVEN

WONDERS

OF THE

WORLD

A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present
"Seven Wonders of the World." Though there were some disagreements,
the following received the most votes:

1. Egypt's Great Pyramids

2. Taj Mahal

3. Grand Canyon

4. Panama Canal

5. Empire State Building

6. St. Peter's Basilica

7. China's Great Wall

While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student
had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if
she was having trouble with her list. The girl replied,
"Yes, a little. I couldn't quite make up my mind
because there were so many."

The teacher said, "Well, tell us what you have, and
maybe we can help.

"The girl hesitated, then read, "I think the
'Seven Wonders of the World' are:

To See

1. To See

To Hear

2. To Hear

To Touch

3. To Touch

To Taste

4. To Taste

To Feel

5. To Feel

To Laugh

6. To Laugh

To Love

7. And to Love."

The room was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.
The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that
we take for granted are truly wondrous!

A gentle reminder --
that the most precious things in life
cannot be built by hand or bought by man.

Best Known Man In the World

From OnlyFunnyStories.com

Well Sulio's boss thinks for a minute and then comes up with a name. "Tom Selleck! I bet you don't know Tom Selleck!" Sulio says "Tom Selleck! Tom and I were in boy scouts together when we were kids!" but Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" then Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Hollywood and drive up to Tom Selleck's house. Sulio knocks on the door and Tom Selleck answers and Sulio goes "Tom!!!" and Tom goes "Sulio!" and they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that could happen, it's just one person," so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick somebody else!"

This time Sulio's boss has someone in mind! "The president, Bill Clinton! You don't know Bill Clinton!" but Sulio says "Oh yes I do! Bill and I were on debate team together in college!" Sulio's boss says "No you weren't!" and Sulio says "Yes we were!" so they fly to Washington and they catch up with the President at a press conference. They work their way through the crowd until Sulio get's close enough to catch Clinton's eye and waves "Bill!" and the President waves "Sulio!" and after the press conference they hug and catch up for 30 minutes and Sulio's boss is stunned-- he can't believe it. But then he thinks "Well that's just two people in one country-- that doesn't mean he knows everyone in the whole world!" so he tells Sulio and Sulio says "OK, pick someone out of the world spectrum and I know them!"

And Sulio's boss knows just who to pick so he says "The Pope! You do not know the Pope!" and Sulio says "The Pope! The Pope BAPTIZED me!" and Sulio's boss says "No he didn't!" and Sulio says "Yes he did!" so they fly to Rome where the Pope is giving Mass in front of hundreds of thousands of people. They work their way through the crowd-- without much luck-- so Sulio says "Boss, we're never gonna get there together through all these people so I tell you what--I'll work my way up there and when I do, I'll give you a sign that shows you I know the Pope!" and he leaves. Well Sulio's boss waits and waits and waits and just when he's about to give up, he sees the Pope come out onto the balcony and right there beside him is Sulio!

Shortly afterwards, Sulio's boss passes out. Sulio comes back and finds his boss passed out and he fans him and says "Boss! Boss! Wake up!" and when his boss comes to, he asks "Boss what happened?" Sulio's boss looks at Sulio and says "OK, I can see Tom Selleck. I can see Bill Clinton...hell, I can even take the Pope! But when somebody standing next to me asks 'Who's that up there with Sulio?' that's a little more than I can take!

Leonard Nimoy, the Beloved “Mr. Spock” in Star Trek, Dies at 83.

RIP Mr. Spock

from secondnexus.com

Leonard Nimoy - dead at 83
Leonard Nimoy - Dead at 83
Leonard Nimoy, the iconic and beloved actor who gained a worldwide following for his portrayal of the ever-logical and resolute Mr. Spock on Star Trek, passed away on Friday in his home in Los Angeles. Nimoy was 83.

He is survived by his wife, Susan Bay Nimoy, who confirmed his death was caused by end-stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Nimoy had been fighting this disease after years of smoking, despite having given up the habit three decades ago.

Condolences have begun to pour in from around the world, as a saddened fanbase recalled, somewhat ironically, the humanity that Nimoy brought to the half-Vulcan he played. Besides acting, Nimoy’s pursuits included photography, poetry and music, but he will always be remembered for the iconic character of Mr. Spock, a pointy-eared Second Officer with an unmistakable hand signal, a formidable Vulcan nerve pinch, and even his own catch phrase: “Live long and prosper”—a motto Nimoy himself embodied.

Forever in my heart, "Live long and prosper."
Yours,
The Wizard
Leonard Nimoy

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever!

From OnlyFunnyStories.com

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

Like It's The Last One - Jeffery Straker (Live in Studio)

Brand new!

Thursday, February 26, 2015

What If John Lennon, Elvis, And 10 More Legends Never Died? I Can’t Believe My Eyes!

by Caroline Sheridan, LittleThings.com

Do you remember where you were when you learned about Robin Williams‘ death in 2014? Now how about John Lennon back in 1980?

“Only The Good Die Young” isn’t just a great Billy Joel song, it’s a sad truth in the music industry. We never forget these sad moments in history, and we’re left stuck wondering what life would be like if some of the greats were still around.

Nothing can bring our favorite musicians back from the dead, but the following awesome photos from Sachs Media Group might be the next best thing. They created the images below to imagine exactly what our angels in rock ‘n’ roll heaven would look like today…and we’re not just talking about Elvis sightings!

John Lennon 74
John Lennon 74

more at littlethings.com

Riddle me this!

THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN... THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN

AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ..

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?


2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.

How can this be?


3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?


4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?


5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!


THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:

1. The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).

3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.

4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!

5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

Riddle me this!

The Riddler
Question

A man and a woman were driving in their car when it broke down. The man decided to go for help at a gas station a few miles back. He made sure nobody was in the car rolled all the windows up and locked all of the sedan's doors. He went off but when he came back his wife was dead and there was a stranger in the car. No physical damage was done to the car so how did the stranger get in?

Answer

The stranger was a baby and the woman died in childbirth.



The farmer the fox and the corn

A farmer was going to town with a fox, a goose and a sack of corn.
When he came to a stream, he had to cross in a tiny boat, and could only take across one thing at a time.

However, if he left the fox alone with the goose, the fox would eat the goose, and if he left the goose alone with the corn, the goose would eat the corn. How does he get them all safely over the stream?

The answer is:

He takes the goose across first, then comes back.

Then he takes the fox across and brings the goose back.

Then he takes the corn over.

Finally he comes back alone and takes the goose across.


Query:

A man is found lying dead, face down in the middle of the desert.

He is wearing a backpack.

His ribs are crushed.

The post mortem shows that he died, suddenly, 2 months ago.

Yet no one has crossed the dessert for 3 months.

What happened?


The answer is:

His parachute did not open.



Toothpick Trick

Question:

A man had twelve toothpicks in front of him.
He took one away.

Now he had nine in front of him. How is this possible?

Answer:

The remaining 11 toothpicks were arranged to spell the word NINE.



A riddle of ducks

There are 2 ducks in front of 2 other ducks.
There are 2 ducks behind 2 other ducks.
There are 2 ducks beside 2 other ducks.


How many ducks are there?


The answer is:

There are four ducks ( see below )

x x
x x



The sage's hat


The three wisest sages in the land were brought before the king to see which of them were worthy to become the king's advisor. After passing many tests of cunning and invention, they were pitted against each other in a final battle of the wits.

Led blind-folded into a small room, the sages were seated around a small wooden table as the king described the test for them.

"Upon each of your heads I have placed a hat. Now you are either wearing a blue hat or a white hat. All I will tell you is this- at least one of you is wearing a blue hat. There may be only one blue hat and two white hats, there may be two blue hats and one white hat, or there may be three blue hats. But you may be certain that there are not three white hats."

"I will shortly remove your blind folds, and the test will begin. The first to correctly announce the colour of his hat shall be my advisor. Be warned however, he who guesses wrongly shall be beheaded. If not one of you answers within the hour, you will be sent home and I will seek elsewhere for wisdom."

With that, the king uncovered the sages' eyes and sat in the corner and waited. One sage looked around and saw that his competitors each were wearing blue hats. From the look in their eyes he could see their thoughts were the same as his, "What is the colour of my hat?"

For what seemed like hours no one spoke. Finally he stood up and said, "The colour of the hat I am wearing is . . ."


The answer is:

The hat is blue.

At first glance, this problem appears to be impossible to solve. Contributing to this is the feeling that the King's only real clue - that there is at least one blue hat - is useless since the sage can clearly see that there are at least two blue hats.

Don't feel bad if you sat stuck on this one for a while: as the puzzle clearly states, so did the three wisest sages in the kingdom. It is this fact that allowed our sage to give his answer. In truth, any one of them would have come up with it, given enough time. Why?

Consider a situation which we knew was not the case- that there was exactly one blue hat. What would happen? There would be a split second of pondering by the person wearing that hat, and he would say "I am wearing a blue hat." No real puzzle there, but of course there wasn't just one blue hat. The important fact is that everyone knew there was not one blue hat. But more importantly than that, everyone knew, or could quickly figure out that everyone else knew this (by the fact that answer was did not come out in the first few seconds.)

This leaves everyone wondering, "Are there two or three blue hats?"

Consider this less obvious situation- that there were exactly two blue hats. This seems a very real possibility at first, after all, we can see exactly two blue hats. So everyone sits and thinks- for a little while. But if there are only two hats, then two people see one blue and one white hat. These two people will very quickly, by virtue of the other's silence, rule out the possibility that there is only one blue hat. One of these two lucky sages would cry blue within a few short minutes, if that long.

There is only one case which forces the three sages to sit in silence - three blue hats. Our sage, through his sharp wits was the first to reach this conclusion.



Fast train to Clarksville!

Mr. Moody grumbles about bad time-keeping trains from morning till night!.

On one particular morning he was quiet justified.

His train left on time for the one hour journey, to Clarksville, and it arrived 5 minutes late.

However, Mr. Moody 's watch showed it to be 3 minutes early, so he adjusted his watch by putting it forward 3 minutes.

His watch kept time during the day, and on the return journey in the evening the train started on time, according to his watch, and arrived on time, according to the station clock.

If the train travelled 25 percent faster on the return journey than it did on the morning journey, was the station clock fast or slow, and by how much?


The answer is:

The station clock is 3 minutes fast.

The morning journey took 65 minutes, and the evening journey therefore took 52 minutes, and the train arrived 57 minutes after it should have left, that is, 3 minutes early.

Hyah cat!

1940's Slang
car in a suitcase

1. The doorbell rings and Millie opens the door to see Harold grinning like a hepcat. "Gimme a buzz, angel cake," Harold says. Just what is it Harold wants?

Correct Answer: a kiss.
While a 'buzz' was a kiss, 'buzz me' meant to call that person on the telephone.

2. After a quick buzz, Millie twirls around, showing off her new dress. Harold whistles, then says "What a dilly! You are togged to the bricks." What does Harold mean to say she is?

Correct Answer: dressed up.
A dilly was another term for a pretty girl. A man who was dressed well could also be togged to the bricks, or groovy, righteous, or sharp.

3. "Let's make tracks," Harold says, handing Millie her sweater. Shrugging into her mohair sweater, Millie says "Hold a tick. Let me douse the glim." What did Millie want to do?

Correct Answer: Turn off the light.
The term 'lamp' meant 'to see', and a 'juice jerker' was an electrician.

4. "Say bunny boy, how about a fizz?" Millie asks. "Sure thing, fly chick," Harold replies, "I'm rolling in beans." Just what did Harold have?

Correct Answer: pocket change.
'Dead president' meant money, a 'deece' was a dime and a 'dime note' was a ten dollar bill.

5. "This joint is so Fifth Avenue," Millie says, looking at the groovy mirror over the bar. "Hey apron," Harold calls, "gimme a fizz and a cow juice." Turning on his barstool he adds, "And crank up the piccolo." What is a piccolo?

Correct Answer: jukebox.
The 1940s were considered the Jive generation. The jukeboxes played platters, which was slang for records.

6. With Doctor Sausage and his Five Porkchops playing the irresistible "Wham", Millie grabs Harold's hand. "This song sends me. It's a gasser. Let's jump!" Harold grins and jumps off his barstool. What are they going to do?

Correct Answer: dance.
There were several terms for dancing and for dancers. A 'hop' was a dance, as was a 'truck', and a 'track' was a dance hall. A 'zeal girl' was a hot girl dancer, a 'hot hose' was a fast dancer, and a 'boogieman' was a jiving male.

7. "Phew," Harold says, swiping one hand down his face, "that was murder! I'm starved. How about you, duchess?" "I could bash," Millie says and waves at the apron. "Hey Pops, how about another fizz and cow juice, and some of your artillery?" When the food arrives, they dig right in. But into what?

Correct Answer: baked beans.
'Bash' meant to overeat. And quite a few food-related words came from the military, such as 'chicken berries' for eggs, 'gaskets' for pancakes, and 'goldfish' for salmon.

8. "What's tickin' chicken," Harold asks, hooking elbows with Millie. "Ready to get back to the roost?" "Don't be a herkle," Millie says. "I'm nowhere near ready for nod. Let's dust this place and hit the crunchy." What's crunchy?

Correct Answer: the pavement.
You could go 'gammin' on the pavement, also known as strutting, or you could 'drill' on the 'stroll' - walk on the street.

9. Strolling along the crunchy, the sunset turning the sky almost purple, Harold conks himself on the back of his head and says, "I just blew my think box." Millie laughs and says "Duck soup." Harold swings her around to head back the way they'd come. "Let's go get the percolator." What are they getting?

Correct Answer: an automoblie.
Another term for a car was 'rubber', and the slang term 'popsickle', which meant motorcycle, came from the military.

10. With Millie's head resting on his shoulder, Harold says, "As snazzy and rare as you look tonight, I'm taking you to see 'Citizen Kane' at the cinema." Millie squeals with delight, then sighs. "We'll never get in." "Gotcha there, Millie-filly. I know the stud with the ducks. We're going." What are ducks?

Correct Answer: admission tickets.
In the 1940s, 'stud' meant oaf. A few other less-flattering terms were Sad Sam, square from Delaware, goon bait, and boonie.

The Wizard of 'OZ' welcomes back The Love Doctor

He's baaaaack! After a brief sabbatical, The Love Doctor ( Dr. Eugene Amour ) has returned to 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow. To ask him a love related question, send him an email by clicking on his image on the right hand side of 'OZ'.

He's way LGBT Friendly, and yes, he will even answer questions from straight folks.  To ask a question about love now, click on his image below:

 Click here to email The Love Doctor
Click above to email The Love Doctor

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Facts About Old Men and Women

from onlyfunnystoris.com

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

First Job

from onlyfunnystories.com

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.

One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot."

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those as*!#!es at Home Depot ever deliver the fu*#'ng sheet rock..."

Big Bug

from onlyfunnystories.com

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

Cinderella Would Be Shocked

from onlyfunnystories.com

Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Crapper Mapper - Toilets of the World - A Quiz!

 click here
Click above

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! Beautiful !!

Only a Shutter-bug will understand the Complexity and BEAUTY of these Photos..

bird
Row, row, my body, gently down the stream.....

bird
Quick, I need some floss, I think I've got a seed stuck in my beak.

bird
Hey guys, what do you think I am, a houseboat?

bird
Where is my Prozac, I'm feeling so blue.

bird
So? I'm just not into socks, I like the wind on my ankles.

bird
Landing check list; gear down, check; full flaps, check; runway clear, check; alignment correct, check.

bird
Man, I wish I could build nests like that!!

bird
Just keeping an eye on those noisy magpies next door.

bird
But Honey, what makes you think I had a little too much at the office party?

bird
I would have sworn the package said Swiss.

A 3.5-Minute Music Video Shot in Just 5 Seconds with a High Speed Camera

from Colossal

One day in mid-Autumn of last year, 80 extras lined up along a dirt road in an industrial area in France. A car drove by at 50 km/h (about 31 mph)  and filmed them engaging in various activities – everything from lighting up a barbecue grill and cutting a metal shopping cart to playing the cymbals and talking on the phone. The action was over, quite literally, in 5 seconds. French filmmaker Guillaume Panariello describes it as “the shortest shooting ever.” But it’s when the footage is slowed down that the magic happens.

The footage was filmed at an incredibly high rate of 1000 frames/second. Once it’s put to slow motion, what happened in 5 seconds unfolds into a 3.5-minute “dreamlike mural.” There were some digital elements later added in the editing room but for the most part this is a single, 5-second shot. It was put to the song “Unconditional Rebel” by French musician Siska. (via PetaPixel)

Love One Another

Love One Another
Amen-Ra. So mote it be!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!

The answers are below the questions...

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers....What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole ...that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language...is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.....How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. ...Why not?

8. What was the President’s Name...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,....how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?






Here are the Answers

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President’s Name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ...]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow. [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

MATT SHEPARD IS A FRIEND OF MINE: Official 2014 Trailer



The official trailer for the new award-winning documentary MATT SHEPARD IS A FRIEND OF MINE, which explores the life and tragic death of Matthew Shepard, the gay student brutally murdered in Laramie, Wyoming in one of the most notorious hate crimes in U.S. history. Framed through the personal lens of friends and family, it’s a story of loss, love, and courage in the face of unspeakable tragedy. COMING TO THEATERS IN 2015.

The Wizard saw this movie Sunday (with his partner of 12 years), and found the movie to be very moving. It's kind of a catharsis for me as Matt's death haunted me for (and still does, to a point), for years. What happened to him affected me greatly. For more on that. click here.

As far as the movie goes, it was hard to watch at points, but was very well done. Tears did flow. Shows a profoundly normal boy who had profoundly horrible things inflicted upon him. 5 Stars

#RememberMatt

This Bookcase May Look Normal, But It's Hiding Something Amazing

By Bryan Galligan, Viralnova.com

Sometimes, I like to imagine that the huge bookcases in some people's homes are hidden doorways. (It's probably a symptom of all the secret agent movies I watch.) Through that door is a clandestine room that only a privileged few are privy to. Maybe it's full of ancient relics, a family fortune, or perhaps it's just an office. The point is, if you've got a secret door that doubles as a bookcase somewhere in your house, you're doing something right.

Luckily, there are readily available instructions on how to build your very own secret door bookcase. That's right, just follow these plans, and you'll have your very own secret agent-style bookcase, complete with a book-key that only you know about. See the plans for this awesome project below.

Here are the basic schematics for the secret door bookcase.

The entire instructions for the secret door bookcase can be found here.

Alberta Children’s Hospital use robots to comfort sick kids

By Melissa Ramsay
Online Reporter Global News

CALGARY – Staff at the Alberta Children’s Hospital are now using four childlike robots to comfort young patients during stressful medical procedures.

The two-foot-tall robots are programmed to mimic the actions of a child and can help calm nervous youngsters with small talk and high-fives.

The robots, named MEDi (Medicine and Engineering Designing Intelligence), will be used during procedures such as vaccinations and blood tests.

“We’ve been testing the MEDi robots here for almost three years and it has become quite clear that this technology significantly improves the health care experience for our young patients and their parents and caregivers,” says Margaret Fullerton with the Alberta Children’s Hospital. “[We are] fortunate to have access to the first robots in Canada specifically programmed to help children manage painful or stressful medical procedures.”

more at GlobalNews.ca

Sunday, February 22, 2015

You Know The Rules

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be."

"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"

Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place."

"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"

The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her woohoo, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.

"Excellent, you're in!" says St Peter.

"Hold on a f'ing minute!" says Freddie. "She didn't even say anything!"

"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens..."

From The "Wild" Life Gallery

Deer Hunter
Deer Hunter

Super Squirrel
Super Squirrel

Packin Heatom
Packin' heat

Now that's true love

It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman in is 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation I asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.

Oh, by the way, peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank.

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything that comes along their way."

Letter To A Bank from an Eighty Year Old

Old Woman The letter to the bank below is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a 80 year old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.


Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.

I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.

I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her, I have no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.

I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows

1. To make an appointment to see me.

2. To query a missing payment.

3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be; communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.

8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,

Lydia B. Hodgson

Saturday, February 21, 2015

About S-E-X day on 'OZ'

While I labelled these NSFW they are NOT pornography. I just would like to warn people in any case. There are no naked anything in any of these videos and are all on youtube. I just recommend that you look at them at home.

Yours,

The Wizard of 'OZ'

Eye Opening Facts About Vaginas - S-E-X day on 'OZ' (NSFW)

What do sharks and vaginas have in common?

World's Largest Penis Record Holder (Jonah Falcon) Frisked By TSA - S-E-X day on 'OZ' (NSFW)

Would you want to see it? Is this a gift or a curse? Do you agree with Cenk?


"Jonah Falcon was stopped and frisked by the TSA at the San Francisco International Airport on July 9 because of a bulging package hidden in his pants. But the 41-year-old New Yorker wasn't packing a dirty bomb, drugs or a Costco-sized tube of toothpaste. The New Yorker has the world's largest recorded penis."

About S-E-X day on 'OZ'

While I labelled these NSFW they are NOT pornography. I just would like to warn people in any case. There are no naked anything in any of these videos and are all on youtube. I just recommend that you look at them at home.

Yours,

The Wizard of 'OZ'

14 Sex Facts You Won't Believe Are True

Friday, February 20, 2015

The Sneeze

They walked in tandem, each of the ninety-two students filing into the already crowded auditorium. With their rich maroon gowns flowing and the traditional caps, they looked almost as grown up as they felt.

Dads swallowed hard behind broad smiles, and Moms freely brushed away tears.

This class would NOT pray during the commencements, not by choice, but because of a recent court ruling prohibiting it.

The principal and several students were careful to stay within the guidelines allowed by the ruling. They gave inspirational and challenging speeches, but no one mentioned divine guidance and no one asked for blessings on the graduates or their families.

The speeches were nice, but they were routine until the final speech received a standing ovation.

A solitary student walked proudly to the microphone. He stood still and silent for just a moment, and then, it happened.

All 92 students, every single one of them, suddenly SNEEZED !!!!

The student on stage simply looked at the audience and said,

'GOD BLESS YOU'

And he walked off the stage...

The audience exploded into applause. This graduating class had found a unique way to invoke God's blessing on their future with or without the court's approval.

This is a true story; it happened at Eastern Shore District High School in Musquodoboit Harbour, Nova Scotia.

ALAN CUMMING CHALLENGES GAY MEN TO BE CELIBATE FOR ONE YEAR: VIDEO

This guy is spot on! Is the same as with Canadian Blood Services

Alan Cumming challenges you to take the Celibacy Challenge: 365 days of no sex so you can comply with the FDA regulations that forbid sexually-active men from donating blood.

After all there are so many things you can do instead.

Always...

Always

"Weird" Quotes

Wea re all a little weird...
I always try to be nice to the weird people so when they go mental they won't kill me first.
--unknown

I'm thankful for twitter and all the weird people on here they make me feel normal and we are some of the most creative people on the planet.
--unknown

Embrace weird people. Sometimes turn out to be the most interesting.
--unknown

Weird people are the best people.
--unknown

There’s good weird people and bad weird people. Good weird people are funny but the bad weird people are the ones you see wearing capes around.
--unknown



I'm only interested in hanging out with weird people that aren't afraid to be themselves.
--unknown

Writers are those weird people that can break through misunderstandings and deliver stories that speak to many.
--unknown

I love getting to know weird people. the ones who are sad or dress funny or have different beliefs than me.
--unknown

Weird people are better than normal people.
--unknown

Weird people are funny. If you're just completely normal, you're boring. So I so much prefer weird people to boring people.
--unknown

It's weird. People seem to know me from stuff that I never would expect them to. If somebody recognizes me, I'm never quite sure what it's from.
--Seth Green

I’m one of those weird people where I get more star struck by directors and directors of photography and things like that than I do with actors. Maybe because I understand the actors process a little more.
--Matthew Bomer

No one is normal. There are just a lot of weird people with things in common.
--unknown

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
--Mitch Hedberg

I'm one of those regular weird people.
--Janis Joplin