***Disclaimer***

*****Disclaimer: The Wizard of 'OZ' makes no money at all from 'OZ' - The 'Other' Side of the Rainbow. 'OZ' is 100 % ad-free*****

Friday, January 31, 2014

Famous Politicians In Drag



Donalda Rumsfeld
Donalda Bumsfeld

Power Puff Powell
Power Puff Powell



Girl's Night Out

Kerri
Kerri

Willamena Clit-on
Willamena Clit-on

Willamena Clit-on
Willamena Clit-on

Princess Charles
Princess Charles

Junie Carter
Junie Carter

Georgie Girl
Georgie Girl

George 'Laura' Bush
George "Laura" Bush

Georgie Girl
Georgie Girl

Georgie Girl
Georgie Girl

IMPORTANT WARNING!!! PLEASE READ!!!


We will soon be coming into the spring and summer, so BEWARE !!!!



I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real, and it's important. So please forward this warning to everyone on your e-mail list:



If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked.



I wish I'd gotten this message yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

:)

Are you a good liar? Find out in 5 seconds




The Wizard IS a good liar

You know the romance has died when...


An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Speed Painting - AMAZING!!


Master speed-painter D. Westry shows off his creative skills during the "Anderson's Viewers Got Talent" competition...

At first I thought this was going nowhere...until the very last second.

Animal Crackers


Honest Company Slogans


Ciick here to see the rest
Click above for more

Elephants are amazing!


This is Suda, a 4-year-old elephant from Thailand. Elephants are one of the few species on this planet that are sentient (can perceive feeling; feel emotions), self-aware (conscious of themselves as individuals, i.e. they recognise themselves in a mirror, rather than thinking their reflection is another elephant), and significantly intelligent. These are the three main traits we as humans posses, and they lead us to believe that we are separate from animals; better; more advanced. In reality, we are really not that different from them. It's such a shame that these beautiful animals are subjected to such cruelty and suffering at the hands of trophy hunters and circus masters, when they are so similar to us.

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Personality Test


A little mindless fun for you...

Relax, look at the pictures and see which you are most attracted to.

Results posted below. The Wizard of 'OZ' picked #9

Personality Test

Personality Test Results:


1. Freedom loving
Freedom is important to you - nothing is worse than when you feel tied down. You may find you move jobs or location frequently because the idea of staying in one place too long unnerves you. The same can apply to relationships! People see you as fun loving, and you are. You attempt to enjoy life to the full, in accordance with the motto: "You only live once." You tend to attract less energetic people as friends or partners, like moths to a flame, they see you as the light. Careful they don't drain you! You are very curious and open about everything new and thrive on change. Quite simply, you are a breath of fresh air.

2. Independent and unconventional
Your lifestyle is highly individualistic. You do not follow the crowd, on the contrary, you seek to live according to your own ideas and convictions, even if this means swimming against the tide. You need a free and unattached life that allows you to determine your own course. You have an artistic bent in your work or leisure activities. Your urge for freedom sometimes causes you to do exactly the opposite of what is expected of you. You are rather unique, so don't bother comparing yourself to anyone else. Live life your way.

3. Sensitive and reflective
You are comfortable spending hours alone with your thoughts and rarely become bored. You dislike superficiality; you'd rather be alone than have to suffer through small talk. Your relationships with your friends are very strong, which gives you the inner tranquillity and harmony that you require. You love deeply but if someone betrays you it is next to impossible to forgive. You are an old soul, someone who has lived many times before and has seen it all. All you crave now is simplicity and the chance to focus your attention on a meaningful existence.

4. Down to earth and charming
You have a natural authentic charm, what you see is what you get. People admire you because you seem so 'together'. You have both feet planted firmly on the ground and they can depend on you. While others complicate their life with ifs and buts, you know your own mind. You provide security and space to those close to you. You are a rock, and although others may not tell you, you are the sun around which they revolve. You dislike superficiality and tend to be skeptical toward the whims of trends. Where others crash and burn, you motor on, quietly achieving all you need to do. You are a woman (or man) of substance.

5. Professional and self-assured
You take charge of your life, and place less faith in your luck and more in your own actions. You solve problems in a practical, uncomplicated manner. You take a realistic view of things in your daily life and tackle them without fuss. You are given responsibility at work, because people know that you can be depended upon. You project self-assurance to others. You are a born leader and organiser. Although you work well in a team, ideally you should be the one giving the orders. After all, you are usually right!

6. Peaceful and timeless
You are easy-going yet discreet. There is a timeless elegance about you (think Audrey Hepburn). You make friends effortlessly, yet enjoy your privacy and independence. You like to get away from it all and be alone from time to time to contemplate the meaning of life. You need space, so you escape to hideaways, but you are not a loner. You are at peace with yourself and the world, and you appreciate life and what this world has to offer. You have a strong life purpose and when you discover it, you project your personal brand of magic on the world.

7. Cultured and classical
Cultured and sophisticated you value the things money can't necessarily buy - good conversation, original ideas, music and the arts. You have a fair mind and can see both sides of an argument. You rarely let emotions get the better of you, preferring to assess situations rationally. Calm, logical and yet compassionate and kind. You have 'old-fashioned' principles, which at heart make you a real lady (or gentleman). A timeless, vintage classic - the sort of person everyone secretly admires and likes to copy.

8. Sensitive and spiritual
You are a highly sensitive and spiritual person. You refuse to see life only from a rational view point. You have great intuition and trust your feelings. You must have dreams to aspire towards or you won't feel happy. You like to improve yourself, and in so doing make a difference in the world - even if only in little ways. You find it hard to understand people who are only guided rationality. You form true relationships with open souls, people who know there is more to life than we can touch, see or hear. Your psychic sense is highly evolved, trust it and work with it.

9. Dynamic and sparkly
You are a mover and a shaker! You are willing to take risks in return for interesting and varied work. Routine tends to have a paralysing effect on you. Being stuck behind a desk 9-5 would destroy your soul and enthusiasm for life. You need to be given the chance to express your ideas and put them into action. You have a rainbow personality, and can cheer others up, even on the gloomiest of days. If you ever feel you have lost your sparkle it is because the situation you find yourself in is not right for you. Follow your enthusiasm, even if it means you chop and change for years. The journey is as important as the destination.

Small Packages: Hollywood’s (Allegedly) Most Poorly-Endowed Men


You know what they say: It’s not about the size of the ship, it’s about the motion of the ocean.
The average penis size is 5.6 inches long when erect. Some penises are bigger than that. Others are smaller. If you are in the class of men with penises shorter than 5.6 inches, don’t fret. You’re in good company.

Click on Ashton to see eight of Hollywood’s (allegedly) most poorly-endowed men on Queerty.com

 Click here to go to queerty.com
Click above
Ashton Kutcher
In 2008, when asked about Kutcher’s relationship with Demi Moore, the late great actress Brittany Murphy told David Letterman: “I suppose the crux of their relationship basically means to him that age doesn’t matter and to her that size doesn’t matter.” Kutcher and Murphy dated in 2002. Clearly things didn't end well.

China Banned from Sochi Olympics After Figure Skater Tests Positive for Homosexuality


Figure skater

MOSCOW — The Sochi Winter Olympic Committee announced Thursday that it would ban the entire Chinese Olympic figure skating team from competition after Chinese skater Li Chunguang tested positive for homosexuality in a routine anti-doping test.

The Russian Ministry of Health lists homosexuality both as an infectious disease and as a performance-enhancing drug, especially in what the government defines as “gay sports”—figure skating, ice dancing and male synchronized diving, among others.

During their tests, Russian anti-doping officials found that Li “had a blood-homosexuality level of over 70%,” well over the acceptable limit. Several homosexuality-enhancing drugs were found in Li’s blood, including homofil, queeritol, sodorex and bendadrine. Several of Li’s teammates also had blood-homosexuality levels higher than normal.

“It is safe to assume he has spread his condition to his fellow athletes,” said one health official.

Speaking at a press conference, the head of the Sochi Olympic Committee, Anton Smirnov, defended the ban, saying that “athletes who choose to be homosexual are 30 to 40 times more likely to win a medal in the gay events, as the condition often makes sufferers incurably fabulous.”

--more at MinistryOfHarmony.com

New Canadian Fool Duo


Justin Bieber and Mayor Rob Ford
New Canadian Fool Duo

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Retired With Nothing to Do


Walmart to Mrs. Gutierrez


Dear Mrs. Gutierrez;

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. C. Gutierrez has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores. We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment. Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused. All complaints against Mr. Gutierrez have been compiled and are listed below.


Mr. Wally Brown,
President and CEO
Walmart Complaint Department


Things Mr. C. Gutierrez has done while his spouse is shopping:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.


2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.


4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in house wares..... and watched what happened.


5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.


7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.


8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'?


9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.


10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.


12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.


13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"


14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"


(And; last, but not least!)


15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


It's hell when you're retired and don't have anything to do!!!

Punography


Punography

Altoids Hall of Curiosity - Very COOL!


Easy as PI


You have to click on it to see. Then look very closely

easy as pi - Click here to view

Legendary Folk Singer, Pete Seeger Dies At 94

From CNN.com

By Jethro Mullen and Saeed Ahmed,CNN


Folk legend Pete Seeger died Monday at 94, his grandson said.

(CNN) -- Pete Seeger, the man considered to be one of the pioneers of contemporary folk music who inspired legions of activist singer-songwriters, died Monday. He was 94.

Seeger's best known songs include "Where Have All the Flowers Gone," "Turn! Turn! Turn! (To Everything There Is a Season)" and "If I Had a Hammer (The Hammer Song)."

But his influence extended far beyond individual hits.

His grandson Kitama Cahill Jackson told CNN that the singer died of natural causes at New York Presbyterian Hospital on Monday evening.

Familiar with controversy

In a career spanning more than 70 years, Seeger frequently courted controversy. "He lived at a time when so many things hadn't been done yet, the idea of making music about something hadn't really been done," Jackson said. "And now people do it all the time."

Seeger's opinions didn't always sit well with authorities.

"From the start, he aspired to use folk music to promote his left-wing political views, and in times of national turmoil that brought him into direct confrontation with the U.S. government, corporate interests, and people who did not share his beliefs," William Ruhlmann wrote in a biography on allmusic.com. "These conflicts shaped his career."

Early career

In 2009, Seeger talked to CNN about the beginnings of his music career in the late 1930s. "I come from a family of teachers, and I was looking for a job on a newspaper and not getting one," he said in the interview. "I had an aunt who said, 'Peter, I can get five dollars for you if you come and sing some of your songs in my class.' Five dollars? In 1939, you would have to work all day or two days to make five dollars. It seemed like stealing."

But Seeger said he took his aunt up on the offer.

"Pretty soon I was playing school after school, and I never did work on a newspaper," he said "You don't have to play at nightclubs, you don't have to play on TV, just go from college to college to college, and the kids will sing along with you."

Last days

Jackson, Seeger's grandson, said the singer-songwriter had heart surgery in December to replace a valve, which had gone well and had nothing to do with his death.

He said Seeger was in the hospital for six days before his death. He couldn't speak for the last three days, Jackson said, but his mind never went away and he continued to recognize people.

"He was a second father to me, he was a friend, he was a best friend," Jackson said. "He was just this wonderful genuine person."

Monday, January 27, 2014

Roddenberry Considered Gay Characters:


George Takei

Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry told George Takei (Sulu) that he wanted to represent human sexual diversity as well as different ethnicities and cultures on the series, but felt that dealing with such issues on the show might lead to its cancellation.

"He felt that it was important to keep the show on. Because it was precarious," Takei told The Progressive. "In a private conversation with him, this was after the show was cancelled, we were generally talking about diversity, and he suggested that, yes, he was aware of sexual diversity...all three seasons that we were on our ratings were very low. But he implied that this was something he wanted to incorporate."

Takei has been on a speaking tour on behalf of the Human Rights Campaign to speak out in support of gay marriage and the rights of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people, which he feels are under assault by opportunistic conservative political factions. He said that he has received surprisingly little negative reaction, and most of what he has heard has come not from Star Trek fans but "Bible-thumpers" and people who are "practically illiterate", a majority of whom have not signed their names to their letters.

The actor pointed out that "the large majority of faith-based people are decent, fair-minded people" who should not be characterized as adversaries of equal rights for gays and lesbians. "What we needed to do was reach out and share the lives of GLBT people with that decent, fair-minded group." This is one of the goals of his Equality Trek, as well as stressing what he believes are the parallels between the prejudice he encountered in his youth as a Japanese-American and the prejudice GBLT individuals face. "What I do is I draw that parallel of a nation swept up in wartime hysteria, acting irrationally, with no due process, there were no charges, no trial, we simply looked the people who bombed Pearl Harbor, and that’s why we were incarcerated. And here today my partner and I feel the same kind of imprisonment."

Takei described Roddenberry as "an extraordinary man" and "a real visionary", citing his desire to use television to engage an audience with the idea of diversity as strength. Roddenberry did not know that Takei was gay at the time they discussed whether sexual diversity should be incorporated onto the series, but he said that he wanted a character who was representative of all of Asia, "the brightest guy out of Starfleet academy, a very good helmsman." The name Sulu was chosen from the name of a sea west of the Philippines, the Sulu Sea, because "the waters of the sea touch all shores." Takei felt that the character would help erase some of the stereotypical roles he had previously been offered.

The full interview is at The Progressive and can also be listened to as a podcast here.

*By Michelle, TrekToday

WHEN WE GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............


The Wizard will have to take their word for it...

Woman Drinking 1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5.WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8 . WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

What Teachers Make


The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?"

He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach."

To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher. Be honest. What do
you make?"

What Teachers Make Having a reputation for honesty and frankness I replied, "You want to know what I make?

I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could.
I make a C+ feel like the winner of the Congressional Medal of Honor.
I make kids sit through 40 minutes of study hall in absolute silence."

"You want to know what I make?

I make kids wonder.
I make them question.
I make them criticize.
I make them apologize and mean it.
I make them write.
I make them read, read, read.
I make them show all their work in math and perfect their final drafts in English.
I make them understand that if you have the brains, and follow your heart, and if someone ever tries to judge you by what you make, you must pay no attention because they just didn't learn."

I paused and continued. "You want to know what I make?
I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make?"

"Teachers make every other profession possible!"

Meanwhile in Canada


Welcome to Canada

Frozen Cat

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Wise Words


Be Wise

Be Wise!Double the life of cut flowers

To ensure that the bright flowers you clipped from the garden bloom for days, drop a piece of charcoal into an opaque water-filled vase and place the flowers inside. The porous briquette will act as water filter, trapping chlorine and other contaminants that speed wilting.

Be Wise!Great challenges

"There are no great people in this world, only great challenges which ordinary people rise to meet."

-- William Fredenick Halsey

Be Wise!No Tears

No man (woman) is worth your tears, but the one who is, won't make you cry.

Be Wise!The Time value

Treasure every moment that you have! Treasure it even more, when you share with someone special, special enough to spend their time with you. Remember that time waits for no one. Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present!!!

Be Wise!Learning from failure

You've failed many times, although you don't remember. You fell down the first time you tried to walk. You almost drowned the first time you tried to swim. . . . Don't worry about failure. . . . Worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.

-- Sherman Finesilver, US District Court Judge

Be Wise!Keeping ants at bay

If you notice ants at your entryway, take a stick of chalk and draw thick lines around the perimeter. The calcium carbonate in chalk is a nontoxic ant repellent, so the insects won’t cross the border.

You can also draw lines around outdoor pet bowls to keep ants away from pet food.

Be Wise!Protect your kids

When going out with the kids, before you even leave the house, use your camera phone and get a picture of them. Then, if they should disappear you can send the picture to the proper authorities showing EXACTLY what they look like and how they are dress. It can be sent to every police computer. Also, try to show something next to them to see how tall they are. Like next to a light switch, a piece of furniture, etc.) It only takes a few seconds to do this, and could mean the difference between life and death.

Be Wise!Sleeping on it

If a complicated issue has you stuck, take the advice of United Kingdom researchers and catch a few winks. Subjects faced with tricky word problems solved more of the challenging puzzles that had them stumped after they got some sleep, compared with their counterparts who either set the task aside for a walking break or kept plugging away with no reprieve. It seems that sleep helps the brain retrieve information that is not top-of-mind but that proves crucial to solving the task at hand.

Be Wise!Long Life

If you want to live a long life avoid hospitals. More people die in hospitals than anywhere else.

Be Wise!Be smart and think about it!

We don't see things as they are. We see them as we want them to be!

Be Wise!Key to relationships

Hearing is inherent, but listening is learned. In a relationship, nothing is more important than listening to the other partner.

Giggles, Guffaws and Groaners


Haeeya!

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.

He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organised to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said : "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you got pregnant last night!!!"

HYUK!

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

HYUK!

A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI."

The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk."

The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says,"No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.

The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

HYUK!

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community

HYUK!

What did the polar bear say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

“Mmmm, sandwiches!”

HYUK!

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

HYUK!

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

HYUK!

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

HYUK!

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

HYUK!

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies. The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

HYUK!

A Taliban was sitting in a cave when he hears over a dune the voice of one American solider: "One American solider is better then 10 Taliban fighters" so the Taliban angry sent over ten of his high-ranking soldiers. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 100 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sends over 100 of his highest ranked soldiers sure of victory. After a lot of gun fire and yelling and screams of agony the Taliban heard the voice again. "One American solider is better then 1000 Taliban fighters" So the Taliban sent his toughest, meanest, personal guards over the dune. After hundreds of bullets fired, and explosions and the screaming and crying, it was over. The Taliban now wondering what happened goes over the dune where he finds a wounded Taliban solider who says "don't send any more men it's really a trap there is really two of them!"

clapping