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Saturday, August 31, 2013

Some People Know More Stupid People Than Most...


Stupid People


My sister is a very intelligent woman when it comes to "book smarts," but a little naive in the ways of the real world. She used to work as a waitress, which I won't knock, because it IS a hard job. But when the cooks told her to go to the basement (restaurant had no basement) to get the dehydrated water, she searched for the basement entrance for an hour before realizing she'd been the butt of a joke. Another time, one of the salad girls had been busy, so my sister decided to make the salad herself. Just as she was carrying it to the customer, the salad girl grabbed her and said "what are you doing?" My sister said "well, she asked for the dressing on the side." You guessed it- she had put a little salad in the middle of the plate and poured dressing around the edges!

I was on my way to work early one morning. Having stayed up late with friends at a club, I wasn't feeling too hot! I decided to get some coffee from McDonald's and pulled into the drive through. I sat behind a car for a long time before I had noticed it had its window shade up! As I patiently continued to wait,I began to wonder how on earth this person was able to drive with this shade on.

It was quite some time before I realized I had pulled up behind a parked car!!!!!!!

One day I was working in the office at my college. I was asked to phone a list of 20 students and tell them that their exam for that Friday had been cancelled. So after I got to about the 10th person I realized that this was one of my classes. I went to lectures during the week and on Friday went to take my exam. But I saw no-one from my class there. Confused, I went to the office to find out what was going on, only to be told that the exam had been cancelled. The sweet little old receptionist told me that a young girl who sometimes worked in the office had phoned everyone. Perhaps, thought the little old lady, the girl who helped out had tried to reach me but hadn't gotten through. I felt so stupid since I was the one who phoned everyone. One of my prouder blonde moments.

One time I went to Taco Bell, and the front window of our car was broken so my mom made me order the food from the back seat. I ordered just fine, then the lady asked if I wanted any sauce. I said, "Just ketchup please." Oh Man! She looked at me so funny. THAT was embarrassing.

I have a friend who's really stupid. Over the summer I dyed my hair red and I didn't tell anyone about it. So one day, she phoned me to go do something, and when I saw her she said, "Oh, you dyed your hair!'" Then she asked me what colour.

I have a friend, Brandy, who was told if you gargle paroxide it will make your teeth whiter. When she did it her gums also turned white. Being the bright blonde that she is, she panicked and ate a piece of red candy to turn her gums back pink. Needless to say her newly whitened teeth were also red.

During a daily Biology class, we were discussing how DNA is made by taking enzymes from eaten food and using the enzymes to build the DNA. ANYWAY, my teacher said "Now, when I eat the carrot, the enzymes from the carrot help to build strands of DNA." And this girl in the front row asks without a hitch "So then is DNA made of carrots?"

One time I was playing around in the kitchen when I decided it would be a good a idea to try and scare my dog with our black and decker dough mixer. So I put it on turbo speed and aimed it at the dog who started to run away. To prove to the dog that it was harmless I attempted to stop the blades with my hand. My fingers got bent back to my wrist before the mixer gave up and I had to turn it off and run it back manually to pull my fingers out.

I went to Sixflags one time, and while going in, I noticed a hotdog stand! Instead of looking where I was going, I kept my head trained onto the stand in the hopes that my mom would buy me one. Because she didn't notice me, I decided to say "Mmmmmm, hotdogs" just like Homer Simpson would, but right after I said this, I crashed into the knee high brick wall. After falling over into the garden on the other side of the wall, I yelled out, "Owwwwww, my knees!" Everyone heard this and stared at me. Anyway, I hurt my knees and I didn't even get a hotdog.

My friend Pico, Jamal and I were riding in Pico's new Ford Explorer. We were on the interstate driving about seventy MPH. Pico's truck sounded funny. Jamal said, "Hey, is your truck OK?" Pico looked at the dash and saw that the automatic gear shift was in 2nd gear. Pico asks, "Hey, it's in '2.' I should pull over at the next exit then shift back to 'D' right?" Jamal and I beat Pico with our hats and I reached over and shifted the selector back to "D."

I hate to tell on myself but.... One night, I was in a friend's 3rd story apartment. We were grilling food on the apartment balcony. We were smart enough to realize that this wasn't a safe action. We decided to go to the park to grill. I had to run to the toilet. After I wrapped up the business, I went and found that my friends were all in the truck ready to go. I decided to jump off of the balcony to get to the car quicker. I fell 3 stories and hit the concrete...a perrrfect cat-like landing on 2 feet. Too bad I broke my ankle and my leg. They rushed me to the hospital. I got fixed up with a cast and pain killers :). We returned to the park. I was on crutches and had to lay on my back and keep my leg elevated. They all teased me well into the night. After the party ended, everyone packed to leave. Everybody said BYE!! One of my friends yelled HEY MOE! We have to do this again sometime!! Yeah right.......

My mom's friend is a teacher at a nearby high school. Well, one day, she assigned her class a paper on World War 2. The day it was due, one boy came in empty handed. The teacher asked him why. He simply replied, "I went to every library I could find, but I found NOTHING on World War 2. I found a lot of books on World War 11, though."

I work in a convenience store. A while ago, a woman came in, grabbed a bottle of soda and a candy bar, and came up to the counter. "That'll be $1.65," I told her. She looked at me kind of strangely for a moment, then picked up the soda and asked, "How much is this?" "A dollar," I said. Then she picked up the candy bar. "And how much is this?" she asked.

I broke my knee and was out of lacrosse for the season. Well the day after one of the games a friend of mine who is on the team walked up to me and asked, "Hey, how many goals did you have yesterday?"

I had an ex-girlfriend who was stupid. One day her stupid things were getting on my nerves and I asked her what her I.Q. was.
She responded "20/20"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a friend we will call him Maki. I told everyone at the lunch table at school that I aced my social studies test. He said "Did you get an A on it?"

I know someone who lives right down the street. One day she was walking along and struck up a conversation with my Mom. I had nothing to do and was overhearing it. The topic went to dogs. Then she said, "You know, there is this really strange thing that happens every time I drive to school. I pass this street and there is this dead dog. And once I get out of school and pass the street again, someone moved the dog. It's really weird! Every day someone moves this dead dog back and forth!" So, one day, we drove down that street to get to the supermarket, and remembering that conversation looked down the street and saw the dog laying there. The dog wasn't dead, it was sleeping!

My family were on a road trip with our caravan, when one of the wheels fell off. We happened to lose a couple of the nuts before putting it back on, so we stopped at the next service station to try and get some replacements. My father asked the attendant if they had any wheel nuts and she thought for a bit and replied, "No, but we have Nobby's Nuts."

After purchasing our house, my wife and I decided to rip up most of the carpeting in the living room and put down a tile floor. While relating this story to my boss I said, "...it was a long job. There was 300 square feet of floor to cover with 12 inch by 12 inch tiles." He then asked me, "Really! How many tiles did you use?"

My friend Rachel announced she was going to bleach her hair in the summer. My friend Tracey asked, "What color?"

We were listening to a story about my friend's next door neighbor who went to Germany and had a one night stand with a German bloke. When her husband found out they divorced. Tracey suddenly shouted "Oh! Just think! The baby will come out speaking German!"

In one of my high school classes we were going to have a mock trial. The teacher asked who wanted what roles. My friend raised her hand and said, "I'll be the prostituting attorney!"

I worked at a gift store just across a small open area from the world famous Space Needle here in Seattle. Two questions from tourists that never failed to amaze and amuse me were, "Where is the Space Needle?" (Honestly, it only looms 610 feet above your head at this very moment.) and "Is this where I get tickets to the Space Needle?" (No, you get them AT the Space Needle. I was tempted sometimes to send them to some remote corner of the Seattle Center in effort to obtain them. Shame on me.)

I had just gotten my debit-card. I hadn't had a chance to sign it yet and I went into the store. The girl, seeing that it wasn't signed, gave me her pen and asked if I would sign the card. I did. So she proceeds with the purchase, hands me the receipt to sign and then takes the card holds it up next to the receipt and compares the signatures…

My mom took out her old wedding album and built into the binding was a small music box that you had to wind up. Well, over the years a piece had fallen off the winding mechanism but mom had discovered if you put a dime in the slot to turn it, it still worked fine. So we're reading it and my niece (honor student, governor's school, etc.) comes over. My sister says, "Here, this part plays music. Do you have a dime on you?" And my niece says "Do you have to PAY?"

I had just punched in at my place of employment and was putting my things away, when the coworker I take over for came up to me and said, "I can't get the lint thingy back in the dryer right. I think I broke it." I went to see what the problem was. I found that HE, yes it was a male, had put the lint filter in backwards. As I took it back out and proceeded to put it in correctly, he stopped me and said, "Wait, I forgot to put this back in." I turned to see what he was talking about and in his hand was a big wad of lint.

My aunts were driving somewhere one day, and they stopped at a tollbooth. While they were sitting there they saw a part of someone's car rolling down the street, and started laughing. Then they realized that it was a part of their car.

My friend was driving me home from school one day. On the way home I saw a car that looked exactly like my mom's parked on the side of the road. I started laughing at it, and making fun of it because the tires had all busted and there was nothing left but the rim. When I got home she called to tell me that she wouldn't be home for a few hours because the wheels on her car had gotten messed up. I felt so stupid because I had been making fun of my mom's car.

After spending the afternoon snorkeling in St. Croix, I was standing near the dive shop when I overheard the following conversation between 2 middle-aged American ladies. They were watching a bare-footed man trudging (on hot gravel) with an empty scuba air-tank on his back. He was hunched over and grimacing. I presumed his posture and expression was due to the hot gravel on his bare feet. But apparently the ladies didn't see it that way. Lady1: My, those tanks must be awfully heavy! Look how he's walking! Lady2: Oh? Do you suppose that tank is all that heavy? Lady1: Well, I don't know if it's empty or not, but I heard someone say that those things can hold 70 lbs. of air! Lady2: Well that's hard to believe. Looks like they'd drown if they were all that heavy. How can they swim w/ all that weight? Lady1: Oh that's because it's weightless in water. You know everything is much lighter in water. Lady2: I suppose so. You're so smart about these things!

My wife was very excited upon hearing the 1996 Olympics would be held in Atlanta, Ga. Before she began planning the events she wanted to see, she asked me, "Will it be the winter or summer games?"

This is an actual conversation that took place in my educational psychology class (mind you everyone in this class is training to be a teacher). We were learning about the best way to teach kids concepts and the Prof. was using the word "bird." He asked us what characteristics made a bird different from other animals. Obviously people said "feathers, lays eggs, etc." One person said the beak made them different. The prof. asked the class if we all agreed that all birds had to have a beak. Everyone said, "YES" then from the back of the room this girl said "What about ducks? They don't have a beak. They have a bill." The prof. asked, "Aren't a beak and a bill the same thing?" She said "No a beak is used for pecking and a bill is used to sift things." Another student then said, "We know a duck is a bird. It is a biological fact." She replied, "Look, I don't know the biological reasons for it, but I am saying that a duck isn't a bird because it has a bill." The whole class sat there in amazement. Just think SHE could be teaching YOUR kids someday.

To prove just how smart the people who work for McDonalds are I told my brother that I would order a cheeseburger without cheese to find out what the guy would say. He did just what I thought he would do, he called back to the grill for a cheeseburger with no cheese instead of handing me a burger off the warmer. The guy working the grill didn't catch on either, because he wrapped it in a special wrapper instead of suggesting that he give me a regular hamburger.

Back in high school, I had THE stupidest music teacher. I was a brunette, but over Christmas vacation, I dyed my hair red. When I came back to his class after the vacation, he stared at me long and hard, then said "You know, last semester I had a student just like you, only she had brown hair."

Once my aunt had a terrible headache so she took an aspirin and soon felt better. Later that day she was looking for a button that had fallen off her blouse. She didn't find the button but she found an aspirin in her pocket!

I love telling this story because it is about my ex girlfriend. I was at her house for Easter. Her mother was making some cookies. They were "slice and bake" with little rabbits on them. My girlfriend said with an amazed look "Wow the little bunnies go through to the other side" ...(hence, slice and bake cookies)

Once while riding around Myrtle Beach with my parents, I saw a sign that read "Topless Bar." My sister and I, both pre-adolescents, wondered how did the bar-goers keep from getting wet when it rains. The thought occupied my mind for years until someone finally told me what a topless bar was!

I was 18 and in the Air Force, and had just bought my first car. It was at Fairchild AFB, near Spokane, Washington, and the car was a 1955 Oldsmobile. I had paid $50.00 for it. My buddy and I decided to take it for a drive over to Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Nearing the city, we heard a "chop...chop...chop" sound. We parked at a restaurant and shut the car off. Went inside to eat, and then returned to the car. The car would not start. I raised the hood, and my buddy and I, (both of us REALY STUPID!) just stood there looking at the engine, not knowing a thing about cars. A man came up to see if we needed help. He told us that my battery was gone. Apparently, it was not tied or bolted down and it fell into my fan blades. Well, this man put his battery in my car to get it started and then took it out. He told us that when we get back to Spokane, to go buy a battery. Well, we drove all the way back to Spokane, and stopped in a gas station and bought a battery, ($19.95 in 1971). Well, we put that battery in, and as we went around the cloverleaf onramp to get back on the freeway, we heard, "chop..chop..chop."

I drive a city bus for a living. Bus drivers rule is once the door is closed and the bus is moving do not open the door. One night about 10pm I pull into a stop, pick up the people and proceed to pull out. All of a sudden out of the side mirror I see a person running toward the now moving bus. I stopped at a traffic light, the person caught up and passed the bus and ran 2 blocks to the next stop. I pull into the stop and open the door. The person looks up, puts one foot up on the steps, panting out of breath and says to me as he pulls a cigarette, "EXCUSE ME BUT DO YOU HAVE A LIGHT"

One day I took out the vacuum cleaner to vacuum my rugs and saw the bag inside was full. I went to get a new bag and saw I was out of the bags. I decided instead to put a plastic garbage bag into the vacuum cleaner. Being this vacuum cleaner was an upright it was an easy thing to do. When I turned on the vacuum cleaner imagine my surprise when the 30 gallon garbage bag blew up like a huge balloon and my vacuum cleaner danced across the living room rug.

During a hot summer day a woman called up our hospital proclaiming that her daughter had eaten and swallowed some ants on accident. We told her that she would be ok and that they would be dead before they could do any harm. Towards the end of the phone conversation something caught our attention. She said that she gave her daughter some ant poison to kill the ants. We then told her that she better come in right away. Everything ended up ok though, and we all still laugh about it to this day.

One day I was talking to my brother about a girl I know named Heather. I was telling him that I thought that she was cheating on her boyfriend and pregnant with the other guy's child. My brother got this very surprised look on his face and said, "Does Heather know?"

My old roommate had a burned out turn indicator. After telling him about it, he asked, "Do you think it needs more blinker fluid?"

I was with my sister in a restaurant in Ocean City and I was walking to the table. When I glanced to my side I thought that I saw someone with the same shirt on as me, and since I only got a quick glance, I looked the other way and said to my sister, "Hey that girl has my shirt." She replied, "Ummmm, I think that is a mirror..."

One day my sister, mother and I were all in the kitchen. My mother began to make dinner when my sister asked if she wanted some help. My mother of course said; "Yes, you can help by getting the ingredients out." My sister began to get all the ingredients out when my mother asked, "What are the olives for?" My sister replied, "We need olive oil."

Back in my high school days, I had just barely got my new pair of contact lenses. I came home really late from somewhere one night and went to take out my contacts and put them to soak. I didn't bother to turn on the lights. The optical had given me some small sample bottles of lens cleaner and I went to reach for this and put my lenses to soak. It wasn't until the next morning when I put my lenses in that I discovered my mistake. I had grabbed a bottle of Murine eye drops instead of the cleaning solution, and had dyed my contact lenses yellow! Except for the faint yellow tint, I could still see out of them just fine and wore them for 2 weeks until my replacement lenses arrived. Now think about this; my eyes are bright blue. Yellow contact lenses mixed with blue eyes produce the most "glow in the dark", bright GREEN cat eyes that you ever saw! I'd be sitting in class and the teacher would look at me, then look again! When I called different opticals and explained the problem, asking what could be done, nobody believed me. They all were laughing their heads off and a few of them said "no way!" and hung up on me.

A friend and I were house sitting for my dad while he was on vacation. One morning I went to fix breakfast and made pancakes. My friend had just poured syrup all over his pancakes and took several bytes. I asked him how they were and he said, "These are really good!"I sat down to eat, grabbed the syrup bottle and poured some over my pancakes. I took one byte and about gagged and said, "Yuck! These taste horrible!" "Hmm? They taste ok to me.." I grabbed the syrup bottle and looked at the label. In very small writing, my dad had scribbled "vegetable oil" on the bottle. What kind of moron dumps his used cooking oil into a syrup bottle and puts in back in the cupboard with all the other syrup bottles?

I live in Niagara Falls, Ontario, Canada and I'm 14 years old. The tourists here can get so stupid because they always ask me what time they turn off the falls. I usually reply back, trying to sound like an idiot too 'about the same time they roll up the side walks. And they look at ME weird!

One day some friends and I went out to get some fruit at a curbside stand. There is a big sign selling plums 4 for a dollar. My buddy picks one up, looks at it and asks the guy, "How much for one?"


My friend Emily and I went to K-Mart. We were walking to the restrooms. I found a motorized cart. I hopped on cart. We went to the undergarments (after the restroom). Next thing I know the wheel on the cart got stuck on a bra rack. Next thing I know bra's are all over me, the cart and the floor. I stood up in shock and did not realize that there were people standing there. Emily shouts out "It's a miracle, you can walk."


My ex-wife once called me at a bar and asked, "Where are you?"

I was working in a large Western National Park and a woman who was a notorious chain smoker came out of her office and lit up a cigarette. I said, "What are you up to?." She took a long drag off of her cigarette and with smoke coming out of her mouth and nose said, "I just came out for a little fresh air"!

I went to McDonalds's the other day, and ordered a cheeseburger with ketchup only, meaning bread, meat, cheese, and ketchup. When I pulled away from the window, I checked the burger to make sure it didn't have anything but ketchup, and there was no cheese on it! I drove around and said to the guy at the window "This doesn't have any cheese."He said "Right, you ordered it with ketchup only."

I was at sleep away camp and there was a really bad storm. Eventually we lost power and most of my friends went scrambling for our flashlights. My best friend at camp (sadly), shouted, "Oh no! Since we don't have electricity our flashlights won't work!" It took awhile, but we managed to explain to her that flashlights run on batteries. I'm still not sure she gets it, but someday she'll understand.

I worked the night shift at a restaurant and every Friday night the same 5 deaf men would come to eat. They usually came very late and often stayed passed closing time. One night when they had stayed well passed closing time, I asked my boss if he could please give them some kind of sign that we would like to close the restaurant so they would leave. He reached up and shut off the music.


* © 1999, Lynn Sebourn

Riddle Me This!


What are these?


What is this?
Riddle me this! -Answer. Click here

Click above for the answer.

LOVE DRESS


A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house.

She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing ?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

September Changes



September Changes


The Wizard's Feet


September is like no other
It's days change color and weather
No other month can say quite the same
For every day, I can feel the change

It's cool breezes start out warm,
Changing to cold throughout every storm
The leaves change and fall
As the Summer leaves and Autumn kisses us all

September maidens feel the change
Like the blue of the sky
Yet the color so deep
Unbelievable beauty

Maidens fall throughout and watch
Each raindropp changing through colors so fast
Yet one streak remains the same
Of that wonderful sapphire rain.

September, unlike any other
Holds you tight, in any weather.
Changes come, no matter where you go

North and you'll get stormy snow
South and feel the heat of summer coming
September does this, no matter what.
Change lives within, Nothing to stop

September is beautiful
And awesome all the same
It's hope for the future and the change
Comes swiftly as we sweep away

The Summer ends and the Autumn begins
Change is all around
With one maiden leaving
And yet, another comes

Born into the world
Of wonderful September
The sapphire skies live on
Through out this wonderful September

by Jessica Millsaps

Friday, August 30, 2013

Yowza!


Optical illusion carpet - Paris video game store. 
It is flat. As is the floor.
Imagine this in a nightclub!

Optical Illusion carpet

Makes me dizzy just looking at it!

Mystery Writer Extraordinaire


The following is from his bio on his website, AnthonyBidulka.com

Anthony Bidulka
Anthony Bidulka
Anthony Bidulka has enjoyed time well-spent and misspent in the worlds of academia, accounting, footwear, food services and farming. In 1999 Anthony Bidulka, BA, BEd, BComm, CA left a decade long career as a Chartered Accountant to pursue writing.

In 2003, Quill & Quire described Bidulka’s first book, Amuse Bouche: A Russell Quant Mystery, as “…an effervescent first novel that is much like the tasty French hors d’oeuvres from which it takes its name”, earning Bidulka a nomination for the Crime Writers of Canada Arthur Ellis Award.

With sharp writing, descriptive flair and wry humour, Bidulka’s mystery series tells the story of the first, and perhaps only, half-Ukrainian, half-Irish, Canadian, gay, ex-farmboy, ex-cop, world-travelling, wine-swilling, wise-cracking, Saskatchewan, prairie private detective being written about today anywhere.

The Russell Quant series has been nominated for Crime Writers of Canada Arthur Ellis Awards, Saskatchewan Book Awards, a ReLit award, Lambda Literary Awards, with Flight of Aquavit awarded the Lambda Literary Award for Best Men’s Mystery, making Bidulka the first Canadian to win in that category.

New York’s Mystery Scene Magazine proclaimed: “Quant makes for a riveting hero…the kind of friend you want to have—unless you’re a killer.” From the StarPhoenix: “Truly amazing is Bidulka’s sense of sights, sounds and smells. Like a good journalist, he gives exquisitely detailed descriptions of the settings and provides history lessons…” And Sherbrooke Record said: “…Bidulka brings a fresh voice to Canadian crime fiction, with a sense of humour that is often outrageous and always original; he provides his readers with a cleverly-crafted tale full of twists and turns, and challenges readers to broaden their perspectives.”

In 2012, Bidulka began a second series, following the adventures of man of action Adam Saint, a tough-as-nails, luxury loving, Disaster Recovery Agent.

Like his protagonists, Anthony lives a big life in a small city on the Canadian prairie. He also loves to travel—meeting people, sampling food and wine, walking sun-drenched streets, making good use of swim-up bars, and being awed by the world.

Anthony has toured extensively in both Canada and the United States. A great believer in community involvement, he has sat on many boards and committees including those of Persephone Theatre, the Institute of Chartered Accountants, AIDS Saskatoon, the Saskatchewan Writers Guild, the International Association of Crime Writers, Crime Writers of Canada, and he is co-founder of Camp fYrefly Saskatchewan (a lifeskills camp for GLBT youth). In 2011, Anthony was added to the College of Education Wall of Honour at the University of Saskatchewan.

He lives in Saskatoon where he is at work on his next novel.

Visit Anthony's website to learn more about this fascinating Author and how you can acquire some of the best mystery reads I've seen in a long time.

The Difference Between a Child’s Purse and a Dollar Bill


From What Will Matter, by Micheal Josephson

When Molly found a child’s plastic purse with three quarters inside, she chanted, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”

But her mom said the right thing to do was to return it to the person who lost it, and they went to the Lost and Found office.

A week later, Molly found a dollar bill on a table. “We’ve got to go to the Lost and Found again,” she said.

This time her mom replied, “That’s not necessary. It’s only a dollar.”

“But Mom,” Molly protested, “you said we have to find the owner.”

Mom was right to reject the “finders keepers” principle, but is there is a moral difference between returning a child’s purse and the dollar bill? I think so.

The value of found property is important ethically and practically. The more it’s worth, the more the loser is likely to suffer from its loss and make efforts to recover it. This imposes a higher duty on the finder.

It’s not just monetary worth that matters. It’s the value the owner attaches to the lost item that’s most important. Thus, the purse with three quarters was probably worth a lot more to the little girl who lost it than the dollar bill was to its owner. Can you imagine how happy she would be to get it back?

What’s at play here is a form of the Golden Rule: If you lost the property, how important would it be to you to get it back? At the core of ethics is caring for others and the willingness to go out of our way to bring pleasure to someone’s life or ease their pain.

This is Michael Josephson reminding you that character counts.

For more great commentaries, visit whatwillmatter.com to read or subscribe. He's an awesome professional. 

Impeccable


Impeccable

Thursday, August 29, 2013

51 Days


A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes.

They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under his arm. He walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

The PeePee List


Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:
Calvin
Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Calvin
Sociable Type
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.
Calvin
Timid Type
Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
Calvin
Noisy Type
Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Calvin
Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Calvin
Clever Type
Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.
Calvin
Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
Calvin
Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.
Calvin
Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.
Calvin
Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
Calvin
Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.
Calvin
Sloppy Type
Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
Calvin
Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.
Calvin
Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing.
Calvin
Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
Calvin
Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers.
Calvin
Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers.
Calvin
Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:


Baby Scowl
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

The Way Back Machine


Click above for a blast from the past - 1965

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Google Takes Over The World...


Ya just have to ask......


Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Children's Letters to GOD

Martin Luther King Jr. - 50 years later




Quotes From Martin Luther King, Jr.:

Martin Luther King, Jr.1. A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus.

2. I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.

3. He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it.

4. It may be true that the law cannot make a man love me, but it can keep him from lynching me, and I think that’s pretty important.

5. I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear.

6. Human progress is neither automatic nor inevitable. No social advance rolls in on the wheels of inevitability. Every step requires sacrifice, suffering, and struggle – the tireless exertions and passionate concern of dedicated individuals.

7. Nonviolence is a powerful and just weapon. It cuts without wounding and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals.

8. We will never have peace in the world until men everywhere recognize that ends are not cut off from the means because the means represent the end in process, and ultimately you cannot reach good ends through evil means because the means represent the seed and the end represents the tree.

9. An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity.

10. An individual who breaks a law that conscience tells him is unjust, and who willingly accepts the penalty of imprisonment in order to arouse the conscience of the community over its injustice, is in reality expressing the highest respect for the law.

11. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.

12. If we are to go forward, we must go back and rediscover those precious values: that all reality hinges on moral foundations and that all reality has spiritual control.

13. Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.

14. Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.

15. That old law about “an eye for an eye” leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing.

16. Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, “What are you doing for others?”

17. The first question that the priest and the Levite asked was: "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But...the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?"

18. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.

19. If physical death is the price I must pay to free my white brothers and sisters from a permanent death of the spirit, then nothing can be more redemptive.

20. We’ve got some difficult days ahead. But it really doesn’t matter with me now because I’ve been to the mountaintop. Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. But I’m not concerned about that now. I just want to do God’s will. And He’s allowed me to go up to the mountain, and . . . I’ve seen the Promised Land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight that we, as people, will get to the Promised Land. And I’m happy tonight. I’m not fearing any man. (Spoken shortly before his death.)

Hehe - An oldie but a goodie!


Geek and Proud Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this was included with the product information. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
A Troubled User

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about. It is due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is merely a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating systems files cause Girlfriend7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this.

Some have tried Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife2.0 but end up with more problems than in the original system. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I also suggest that you read the entire section regarding 'General Partnership Faults'! (GPF's.) Your Wife 1.0 does a scan for GPF's during it's monthly program maintenance scan (PMS). You must assume joint responsibility for any faults and problems that occur, regardless of their cause. You will also find that GPF's are cyclical. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. Avoid excessive use of C:\YESDEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Remember, the system will run smoothly as long as you share the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 (which replaces Burn It 1.0), and Do Bills 4.2. You must, however, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 should this happen. WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,

Tech Support

Dear Tech Support:

This is a common mistake made by people who are not aware of the other alternative packages available. Since they are not advertised widely, very few people realize that they can install PolyPartner 3.0 and get many of the benefits of both Girlfriend 7.0, and Wife 1.0. It should be noted, however that, though PolyPartner 3.0 provides a significant amount of system interoperability it is NOT a "low maintenance" application. There is significant work to making this package work, just as there is if you were to switch from Windows to Linux - a learning curve that requires frequent updates to the manual and constant communication with the various applications.

For example, once you install PolyPartner 3.0, you can still run Girlfriend 7.0, but you will need to perform a setup procedure with PolyPartner 3.0 so that both applications will understand each other, and how they are to inter-operate. Still, once the set up procedure is in place, you can enjoy both systems, either separately or together. To maintain this usage level, frequent tweaking of the inter-operation rule database may be required, but this is possible for the highly motivated. Over time, the typical user will learn the quirks to running these applications and might even want to upgrade to the TRIAD 2.5 level of software that transforms PolyPartner 3.0 and Girlfriend 7.0 into one seamless working unit with tremendous benefits for the user and the system. But, as I said, this option is not commonly known, and in fact, has been actively discouraged by the sellers of the Fundamentalist Society 8.5 software package.

Personally, I think this package is highly overrated. It has so many obscure and unjustified rules for usage; the license agreement seems to have been written by a medieval inquisitor; and the options offered are so limited that I can't imagine anyone being really happy using it. But to each his own... your mileage may vary... caveat emptor... carpe diem... et al disclaimers..

Here's evidence of another stupid tech support person unaware of PolyPartner 3.0...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the Flower and Jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. At the command line, try entering C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create SnoringLoudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or re-install another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.

Regards,
Tech Support

Absolutely Cool! Jerome Murat



Jerome Murat Two Headed Man - Watch more Funny Videos

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Three Good Arguments


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments the Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.

SO.... You Think You Know Everything...


Spark up the ol' gray matter!

Click Above.

Boy - OH - Dough - Boy!


Click here for the clip

Click above

So you still think homosexuality is sinful?


So you still think homosexuality is sinful?
Click on it for a larger picture

Monday, August 26, 2013

82 Interesting Facts About . . .


...LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender)

1. The planet Mercury is a symbol used by the transgendered community. The sign for Mercury is a crescent shape and a cross, which represents the male and female principles in harmony in an individual. Additionally, the god Mercury fathered Hermaphroditus, who had both male and female sex organs.

2. The labrys, a double-edged hatchet or axe, is a symbol of strength and unity for the lesbian community. Demeter, the Goddess of Earth, is said to have used a labrys as her scepter, especially in religious ceremonies.

3. In 1987, Delta Airlines apologized for arguing in plane crash litigation that it should pay less in compensation for the life of a gay passenger than for a heterosexual one because he may have had AIDS.

4. Records of same-sex relationships have been found in nearly every culture throughout history with varying degrees of acceptance.

5. The number of gays and lesbians in the U.S. is estimated to be approximately 8.8 million.

6. No research has conclusively proven what causes homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality.

7. Scientists estimate that approximately 5% of the total human population worldwide has a homosexual orientation.

8. Historians note that in some cultures, homosexual behavior was not viewed as effeminate but as evidence of a man’s masculinity. Examples include the Celtic and Greek cultures.

9. Approximately 1 million children in the U.S. are being raised by same-sex couples.

10. In 1982, the Gay Related Immune Disorder (GRID) was renamed Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome (AIDS)

11. The state with the most gay couples is California, with approximately 92,138. The state with the least gay couples in North Dakota, with approximately 703 couples.

For the rest, click here to go to Random Facts

adam and eve - grumpy cat

Worst Website Design Ever


worst website EVER! Clcik here to visit http://www.arngren.net/
Click above to see it in all its glory!