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Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Beware the Halloween Parties this year!


A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.


He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.


So he took his costume and away he went.


The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.


She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.


His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.


Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.


Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.


She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.

He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."


"Did you dance much ?"


"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."


Best Halloween Costume Ever!


Headless Horseman Dog Halloween Costume!

Happy Halloween!


It just isn't Halloween without a full moon!

Samhain*


samhain

And the fires
Shall burn
And the wheel of life
Shall turn
And the dead will come home, on Samhain

And then
The night sky
On a lunar light
midnight
And the dead will come home, on Samhain

Little children
Dress like beasts
In the lamp-lit
Dark streets
And the dead come alive, on Samhain

Come away
From this island earth
Come back to
The moment of your birth
And the dead come alive, on Samhain

Ever since
The dawn of time
This day has been for them
Lay your minds on the line
And await the dead, on Samhain

When the wall
Grows thin
Allows the dead
To come in
So await the dead, on Samhain

I will see you, come Samhain

------------------
Glen Whitman, Gather.com

The Wheel of the year

*Pronounced: SOW-in (as in "cow"), (or sometimes sew-WIN)
For more pagan pronunciations, click here.
**Read about Samhain

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Just Dance!!


little girl dancing with statue
Just Dance!

The Phantom Hag - A Halloween Tale


The Phantom Hag - A Halloween Story

Click above to read the story. (PDF)


Click above to get the Adobe Reader

Miracle Caught On Film!


f you don't believe in miracles, here's proof !!!!!!

See a miracle happen!

A yellow Ford cures crippled man who had just left the welfare office.

miricle!


Please join us in asking the Vatican to canonize the yellow Ford...

A Child's View of Thunderstorms



A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school. She also feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother got into her car and quickly drove along the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along.

At each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. More lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile

When the mother drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called, "What are you doing?"

The child answered, "I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today and every day as you face the storms that come your way!

Monday, October 29, 2012

When to take a "senior's" license away



Advice for an old guy...


Old Man

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing walking in...

Hot dude!!
 (what a body !!!!)

I asked the trainer standing next to me, "What machine should I use to impress that guy over there?"

The trainer looked me over and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

Hallowe'en Humour


A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil!" she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!"

pumpkin

Q: What did the really ugly man do for a living?
A: He posed for Halloween masks!

pumpkin

Q: What is a childs's favourite type of Halloween candy?
A: Lots a candy!

pumpkin

A few days after Halloween, Sally came home with a bad report card. Her mother asked why her grades were so low.
Sally answered, "Because everything is marked down after holidays!"

pumpkin

Q: What do ghosts eat for breakfast on Halloween?
A: Shrouded Wheat. Ghost Toasties. Scream of Wheat. Terr-fried eggs. Rice Creepies.

pumpkin

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie.
Annie who?
Annie body home?

pumpkin

Peter: Do you like the vampire?
Jack: Yes, it was love at first bite!

pumpkin

Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.

pumpkin

David: Which ghost is the best dancer?
Joseph: I don’t know.
David: The Boogie Man!

pumpkin

Q: How do monsters tell their future?
A: They read their horrorscope.

pumpkin

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”
“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

pumpkin

The young ghost went trick or treating.
A nighbor asked her, "Who are your parents?"
"Deady and Mummy," she answered.

pumpkin

Martin: What is a ghost’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Boo and Gold.
Martin: What is a witch’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: I give up.
Martin: Brew and Gold.
Martin: What is a werewolf’s favorite Cub Scout event?
Bryan: What?
Martin: Pack meetings, of course!

pumpkin

Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.

pumpkin

Q: What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
A: Hope it's Halloween...
pumpkin

Q: What do call the ratio of a jack-o-lantern’s circumference to it’s diameter?
A: Pumpkin π.

pumpkin

Q: What did the daddy ghost say to his son?
A: Don't spook until spooken to!

pumpkin

Advice to a witch on a broomstick: "Don't fly off the handle!"

pumpkin

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bea.
Bea who?
Bea-ware, tonight is Halloween!

pumpkin

On the morning of Halloween, the teacher told the class, "We'll have only half a day of school this morning."
The children cheered.
Then she said, "And we'll have the second half this afternoon."
This time the children moaned!

Edmonton votes to allow same-sex blessings


BY LEIGH ANNE WILLIAMS, STAFF WRITER, The Anglican Journal

Rainbow Rings

The diocese of Edmonton has passed a motion that will allow clergy to bless civilly married same-gender couples on a case-by-case basis.

Clergy will ask for the bishop’s permission to offer the blessing, says Dean Neil Gordon, who introduced the motion at the diocesan synod Oct. 12 to 13. This differs from decisions in dioceses such as New Westminster and Toronto where designated parishes have been granted permission to offer the blessings carte blanche.

Although 70 per cent voted in favour of the motion, a second resolution instructed clergy to work together to determine just how the blessings will be performed. “We have to work out how we are going to do this in a way that builds up and retains unity,” says Gordon, who is rector of All Saints’ Cathedral in Edmonton and dean of the diocese. Clergy plan to meet in mid-November to and report back before General Synod 2013 in Ottawa next July.

Until now, the diocese has offered same-gender couples the chance to celebrate their marriages with a family eucharist service, as set out in guidelines developed by the House of Bishops. There has been no formal acknowledgement of the marriage in the service, however.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Daddy, How was I born?


A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers, "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:




Scroll down...

look down!



look down!


baby boy

"You got Male!"


Everyone has their secrets...


Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captain’s quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, and opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:

Port - Left

Starboard - Right

My beautiful boy...




The light is fading, we’re all alone
I sing you a lullaby
Stars winkin at us, a smile from the man on the moon
I look you in the eye, and every single time time
My heart is a bird in the breeze
Flyin far out from me, roundin you, and landing between

If I only had breath for one more sigh
I’d be callin it out to you
Singin’ bout, what you do —– oh

My beautiful boy , You take me, To a place
Far beyond the point
Where my doubts, can hold on
My beautiful boy

I’m a little boat in the water, the rain in the summer,
You’re my river and I’m comin down
If storms blow on in- You’re my bright sky, oh so blue
And it feels kinda funny, like I’m dancin in the stars
when I’ve got you on my mind,
Sing your song to the northern lights, they’re dancing with us too

If I only had music for one more song,
I’d be singin it out to you
A little verse, ’bout what you do —– oh

My beautiful boy , You take me, To a place
Far beyond the point
Where my doubts, can hold on
My beautiful boy

© Jeff Straker, 2005
All rights reserved. SOCAN
www.JeffStraker.com

Halloween in Canada


Halloween-in-Canada
*Thanks, Gary

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Elderley Sex


Ma and Pa Kettle


Ma and Pa, both 91, lived in a retirement community.

They met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Pa asked Ma out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. And despite his age, Pa was still a charmer.

Afterward, Pa asked Ma to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Ma soon joined Pa for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Pa was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Ma was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

Finally an 'Easy Button' that does something worthwhile!


Easy Button

Click Above. You'll thank me for it!



Get your own EASYBUTTON. http://home.netcom.com/~agia/agia.html

Giggles, Guffaws, and Groaners


Haeeya!


A man is about to jump off London Bridge when he hears a voice behind him. It's Santa Claus.
"Why do this? It's Christmas Eve?" Santa says.
"Because I've lost my job, " the man answered, " my wife has left me, and I have no presents for the kids."
"Ah, I can grant you 3 wishes, " replied Santa, "So when you get up tomorrow your job will be there, your wife will be waiting for you, and there'll be presents for the children."
"Oh Santa - however can I repay you?" gasped the man.
"Well - not a lot of people know this, " came the reply, "But old Santa is gay, you could bend over for me, the elves aren't much good at it."
"Dunno 'bout that, " the man said.
"Oh, go on, " Santa urged, "After all - I granted you 3 wishes, don't be so ungrateful."
"Ok, " the man sighed, as he unzipped his trousers.
Santa did the biz and when he finished the man pulled his trousers back up.
Santa looks at the man and asks "How old are you?"
"47, " came the reply.
"What? And you still believe in Santa Claus?"

HYUK!

A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.

After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"

"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. He says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."

The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational. He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."

"What?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.

"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time...

"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.

"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."

HYUK!

Three friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

HYUK!

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apprently my wife does."



clapping

A Good Lesson


Sunday hunting was legalized last year for archery only.

I did all my prep-work . . .
I scouted the area all summer . . .
I searched out the best location for my tree-stand . . .
I set it all up a month ahead of time . . .
I trailed the herd . . .
I picked out a trophy buck . . .
Two days before opening day I rechecked every aspect of the hunt . . .
Everything was in place . . .
Sunday morning, I woke up at 2 am . . .
I put on my camo, loaded my pack, set out for my stand . . .
This was destined to be an epic hunt . . .
As I approached my deer stand . . .

bear in a tree

I changed my mind, decided to go and watch the football game.

Friday, October 26, 2012

Nobel Peace Prize for Malala


Started by: Tarek, Toronto
Earlier this month 15-year old Malala Yusufzai was shot in the head by a Taliban gunman in response to her campaign against the destruction of girls schools in Pakistan. In the face of terror,Malala risked her life to speak out for the rights of girls everywhere.
Malala's bravery has sparked a global movement and we believe she deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for her courageous work.

The first step in this process is to get Malala nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize. Only certain people, like a Member of Parliament, are allowed put forward nominations. To make a major statement and to show that Canadians believe in Malala's work, we need all Canadian federal party leaders to unanimously nominate Malala for the Nobel Peace Prize for her incredible work and bravery.

On Monday Liberal Leader Bob Rae backed the petition and on Tuesday Immigration Minister Jason Kenney voiced his support. We just need to get three more party leaders to endorse the campaign.

A Nobel Peace Prize for Malala will send a clear message that the world is watching and will support those who stand up for gender equality and universal human rights that includes the right of education for girls.

15 year old Malala demanded all girls have access to education and was shot by the Taliban. Call on all federal party leaders to unanimously nominate Malala for the Nobel Peace Prize.

You can also check out other popular petitions on Change.org by clicking here.

Lest we forget


Test your knowledge of our home and native land........

Give it a try...
Lest we forget Canada Test
Click above to take the test. The Wizard scored 17/20

Am I a Fireman yet?


Billy

In Phoenix AZ, a 26-year-old mother stared down at her 6 year old son, who was dying of terminal leukemia.

Although her heart was filled with sadness, she also had a strong feeling of determination.
Like any parent, she wanted her son to grow up & fulfill all his dreams. Now that was no longer possible.. The leukemia would see to that. But she still wanted her son's dream to come true.

She took her son' s hand and asked, 'Billy, did you ever think about what you wanted to be once you grew up?
Did you ever dream and wish what you would do with your life?'

Mommy, 'I always wanted to be a fireman when I grew up..'

Mom smiled back and said, 'Let's see if we can make your wish come true.'

Later that day she went to her local fire Department in Phoenix , where she met Fireman Bob, who had a heart as big as Arizona

She explained her son's final wish and Asked if it might be possible to give her 6 year-old son a ridearound the block on a fire engine.
Fireman Bob said, 'Look, we can dobetter than that. If you'll have your son ready at seven o'clock Wednesday morning, we'll makehim an honorary Fireman for the whole day..
He can come down to the fire station, eat with us, go out on all the fire calls, the whole nine yards!

And if you'll give us his sizes, we'll get a real fire uniform
For him, with a real fire hat - not a toy - one-with the emblem of the Calgary Fire Department on it, and a yellow slicker like we wear and rubber boots.'

'They're all manufactured right here in Phoenix   , so we can get them fast.'


Three days later Fireman Bob picked up Billy, dressed him in his uniform and escorted him from his hospital bed to the waiting hook and ladder truck.

Billy got to sit on the back of the truck and help steer it back to the fire station. He was in heaven.
There were three fire calls in Phoenix that day and Billy got to go out on all three calls.

He rode in the different fire engines,the Paramedic's' van, and even the fire chief's car.
He was also videotaped for the local news program.
Having his dream come true, with all the love and attention that was lavished upon him, so deeply touched Billy, that he lived three months longer than any doctor thought possible.
One night all of his vital signs began to drop dramatically and the head nurse, who believed
In the hospice concept - that no one should die alone, began to call the family members to the hospital.
Then she remembered the day Billy had spent as a Fireman, so she called the Fire Chief and asked if it would be possible to send a fireman in uniform to the hospital to be with Billy as he made his transition.

The chief replied, 'We can do better than that. We'll be there in five minutes.. Will you please do me a favor?

When you hear the sirens screaming and see the lights flashing, will you announce over thePA system that there is not a fire?'
'It's the department coming to see one of its finest members one more time. And will you open the window to his room?'
About five minutes later a hook and ladder truck arrived at the hospital and extended its ladder up to Billy's third floor open window-------- 16 fire-fighters climbed up the ladder into Billy's room
With his mother's permission, they hugged him and held him and told him how much they LOVED him.With His dying breath, Billy looked up at the fire chief and said, 'Chief, am I really a fireman now?'

'Billy, you are, and The Head Chief, Jesus, is holding your hand,' the chief said With those words, Billy smiled and said, 'I know, He's been holding my hand all day, and The angels have been Singing..'
He closed his eyes one last time.

My Instructions were to send this to at least four People that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.
Please pass this to at least four people you want to be blessed.
This story is powerful and there is nothing attached.

PLEASE do not break this pattern.Uplifting stories are one of the best gifts we receive.
There is no cost, but a lot of rewards, let's continue to uplift one another!




This is a true story

Isn't it I R O N I C ?


isn't it ironic?
Click above to find out more

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Have you ever wondered what idiots looks like?


...and then sometimes, we need Darwinism to step in.



YES THAT IS A POWER CORD FLOATING ON FLIP FLOPS..
Click on the picture for a larger view.


--Note: The validty of the photo cannot be verifed

Dean and Jerry...


Martin and LewisDean and Jerry were riding a train across the west. Jerry looked out the window and saw a whole lot of buffalo roaming the range.

Jerry: Look at that big bunch of buffalo!

Dean: Don’t say bunch say herd.

Jerry: Heard what.

Dean: Herd of buffalo.

Jerry: Sure I’ve heard of buffalo.

Dean: No... you don’t understand, a buffalo herd.

Jerry: I don’t care what a buffalo heard! I ain”t said nothing that I’m ashamed of.