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Tuesday, October 25, 2011

From The "Wild" Life Gallery

Deer Hunter
Deer Hunter

Super Squirrel
Super Squirrel

Packin Heatom
Packin' heat

Wanna Be A Voyeur???


Then check out Meta Spy. This site is out of this world!

Click here to META SPY


Click above to see what other people search for.. ok, so maybe the Wizard is a geek.. but this IS Fun!

Now that's true love


It was a busy morning, approximately 8:30 am, when an elderly gentleman in is 80's, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.He stated that he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am.

I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.

On exam it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.While taking care of his wound, we began to engage in conversation I asked him if he had a doctor's appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.

The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I then inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer Disease. As we talked, and I finished dressing his wound, I asked if she would be worried if he was a bit late.

He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.

I was surprised, and asked him. "And you still go every morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?" He smiled as he patted my hand and said. "She doesn't know me, but I still know who she is."

I had to hold back tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought, "That is the kind of love I want in my life." True love is neither physical, nor romantic.

True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.

With all the jokes and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there are some that come along that have an important message, and this is one of those kind. Just had to share it with you all.

Oh, by the way, peace is seeing a sunset and knowing who to thank.

"The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything that comes along their way."


Monday, October 24, 2011

The Peepee List

Next time you go to the public toilets you may observe one of the following types of vistors:
Calvin
Excitable Type
Pants are twisted, cannot find hole, rips pants in anger.
Calvin
Sociable Type
Joins pals for a piss whether he wants one or not.
Calvin
Timid Type
Cannot piss if anyone is watching, pretends he has been and sneaks back later.
Calvin
Noisy Type
Whistles loudly, peeps over partition to have a look at the other fellow's tool.
Calvin
Indifferent Type
All urinals being occupied, uses sink.
Calvin
Clever Type
Pisses without holding tool, shows off by adjusting tie at the same time.
Calvin
Vain Type
Undoes 5 buttons when 2 will do.
Calvin
Absent-Minded Type
Opens jacket, takes out tie, pisses in pants.
Calvin
Worried Type
Is not quite sure what he has been up to lately, makes a furtive but close inspection of tool while pissing.
Calvin
Disgruntled Type
Stands for a while, grunts, farts, tries to piss, fails, farts again and walks out muttering.
Calvin
Sneaky Type
Drops silent farts while pissing and looks at the bloke next to him.
Calvin
Sloppy Type
Pisses on shoe, walks out with flies undone, adjusts himself ten minutes later.
Calvin
Learned Type
Reads a book or newspaper while pissing.
Calvin
Childish Type
Watches bubbles at bottom of the urinal while pissing.
Calvin
Strong Type
Bangs tool on side of urinal to remove drops.
Calvin
Drunken Type
Pulls out tool, sees two, puts one away, and pisses in trousers.
Calvin
Embarrassed Type
Covers tool with both hands and pisses through fingers.
Calvin
Cock-Eyed Type
Stands in one cubical and pisses in next one.

THE DEEP DEEP SOUTH


Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic 'nature honeymoon'...

He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."

"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head...

Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....

His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"

Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man' afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"

His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says "SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

*Wizard's Note: No offence, eh?


Gene Roddenberry RIP

Eugene Wesley 'Gene' Roddenberry (August 19, 1921 – October 24, 1991)

Eugene Wesley "Gene" Roddenberry (August 19, 1921 – October 24, 1991)
You have touched many lives and tried to make the world a little bit better.
You were way ahead of your time.
You were a pioneer in non discrimination - with a multi-cultural cast.
Trek on!

So Speaketh The Sith... Yeah...


Darth Bill Lumburg

So sayith...


These are not the Druids you are looking for...

These are not the Druids you are looking for...


Sunday, October 23, 2011

How True!


Anyone 30 or older will get a laugh out of this!

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways through year round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a Straight-A average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family from
starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....
Now that I'm over the ripe old age of fourty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it but you kids today don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.When we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves! There was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter. With an actual pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!

There were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and messed it all up!
You want to hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! Those were your options.

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony PlayStation videogames, either, with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked! Your little guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens; it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there was no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy sat in front of you and you couldn't see you were just screwed!

Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing you had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning... D'ya hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you spoiled little bastards!

We didn't have microwaves; if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove imagine that! If we wanted popcorn we had to use that stupid jiffy pop and shake it over the stove like an idiot forever.

That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled little bastards and don't appreciate how good you have it, you guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!


In Common?

Schwarzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
All Pope's have one but don't use it !?
Clinton uses his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his

Cher claims that she took on 3
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it? (Answer below! This is really good.)





The answer is: "A Last Name." (You didn't think I'd post a dirty joke, did you?)

Fun with computers



and a new key for when you are overworked....


Next Pope????

Saturday, October 22, 2011

AMEN!

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday Sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.


The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.


The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean soil.


At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported the following results:


The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in sperm - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.


So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What can you learn from this demonstration?"




A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said,


"As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

How's Your Stress Level?

The pictures below are used to test the level of stress a person can handle.

The slower the pictures move, the better your ability of handling stress.

Alleged criminals see them spinning around madly while seniors and kids see them still.

If you still think that there's a trick here, you may wish to print it (even black and white) and by then you're sure that it's a still picture...

Look at it again and check your level of stress...

Bad Joke


John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced.

That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favourite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

"The Best Interest of Others"


THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.


Friday, October 21, 2011

My Rock (My Mom)

Sometimes I catch myself
Thinking, "When I phone,
I can talk of this or that!"
Then remember, I'm alone.

She was always there
To answer my calls -
To listen to my "small talk"
Or when I climbed the walls.

At times, I didn't feel like talking
And somehow, she understood -
Didn't say she wished I'd call
Or make me feel like I should.

Now, I wish I would have
More times, to show I cared -
To say, just how important
Were, all those times we shared.

I could have shown my love
So much more than I did -
I never, did it enough
Even when I was a kid.

Now it's too late to do or say
All those things I wish I had -
No way to ease the pain inside
When my heart is sad.

She was my "anchor" to this life -
The "rock", that I clung to -
The place, where I could turn
When, nowhere else would do.
Now, the ravages of time
Have worn my "rock" away -
And all I have to cling to
Are memories of yesterday.


In Passing


Sometimes Mom in passing
Would pat you on the back
And sometimes in passing
She'd show you the right track.

Sometimes Mom in passing
Would say, "You sure look nice!"
And sometimes in passing
She could, make you, think twice.

Sometimes Mom in passing
Would lightly touch your hair
And sometimes in passing
She'd show you what was fair.

Sometimes Mom in passing
Would ask, "What do you mean?"
And sometimes in passing
She would get in between.

Sometimes Mom in passing
Would give you, "that look"
And sometimes in passing
Would give you what it took.

But this time, Mom is passing
From this world to the best
And this time in passing
She'll pass the final test.

And when Mom has passed
And the pain is so unkind
Just look and you'll find her
There in your heart and mind.



Missing You, Mom


Mom, I miss you so very much
On every Mother’s Day;
And not just then, but every minute,
Since you went away.

You were the center of my life
Before your soul passed on;
It’s just so hard for me to believe
That you are really gone.

But I celebrate the life you lived
And all the things you gave me;
My wonderful memories, Mom, of you
Are the things that will comfort and save me.

Please think of me, as I think of you
With a heart so full of love;
I’m looking up at you, sweet Mom,
As you look at me from above.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Moving at 3000 Times the Speed of Sound!

Not Christmas, but this is interesting...
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
Santa in a jet
Consider the following:

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

Useless? Useful? I’ll leave that for you to decide. Merry Christmas!

I Hate My Job - "An opposite poem"

Created by x-Marilyn-Manson-x - adapted by The Wizard of 'OZ'




I Hate My Job



I Hate my job, I Hate the pay!

I Hate it more and more each day.

I Hate my boss, she is the worst!

I Hate her boss, and all the rest.

I Hate my cubicle and its location,

I love to have to go on vacation.

I Hate my furniture, drab and grey,

and piles of paper that grow each day!

I think my job really smells,

there's nothing else I Hate so well.

I Hate to work among my peers,

I Hate their leers and jeers and sneers.

I Hate my computer and its software;

I snap at it often, though it won't care.

I Hate each program and every file.

I'd Hate them more if they worked a while.

I am sad to be here, I am. I am.

I'm the second saddest slave of the Firm,I am.

I Hate this work, I Hate these chores.

I Hate the meetings with deadly bores.

I Hate my job-I'll say it again,

I even Hate those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today,

In clean white suits to take me away!

EVER SEE AN ICEBERG FROM TOP TO BOTTOM?


This is false, a composite of 4 pictures and not from Newfoundland either, it has been around for years. http://www.snopes.com

This is awesome! This came from a Rig Manager for Global Marine Drilling in St. Johns, Newfoundland.

They actually have to divert the path of these things away from the oil rigs by towing them with ships!

Anyway, in this particular case the water was calm & the sun was almost directly overhead so that the diver was able to get into the water and click this pic. Clear water huh?! They estimated the weight at 300,000,000 tons.


And now we also know why they say one picture is worth a 1000 words....

Top Ten Rejection Lines


Where someone is letting you down gently – what exactly is running through their mind?

Here’s my pick of the top ten rejection lines and what they actually mean!


10) I think of you as a friend. (You`re terminally ugly.)

9) There`s a slight difference in our ages. (You`re terminally old and ugly.)

8) I`m not attracted to you in `that` way. (You`d turn anyone straight)

7) My life is too complicated right now. (I have platinum gaydar membership)

6) I`ve got a boyfriend. (I wouldn’t touch you with a shitty stick)

5) I don`t date anyone from work. (I’m bedding the boss)

4) It`s not you, it`s me. (I’m sober)

3) I`m concentrating on my career. (It’ll cost you 50 bucks)

2) I`m celibate. (You’re still ugly)

1) Let`s be friends. (I’ve had you – movin on)


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tailor-made condoms


Condoms come in custom sizes... I take a G22!


A Taiwanese company has introduced a new service allowing men to order tailor-made size condoms.



SakuNet International makes 55 different sizes of condoms from just three inches long to 9.4 inches, reports Sina News.

The company says the most popular condom sold in Taiwan is 4.2 inches long and 1.9 inches in diameter.

Company manager Huang Wanting says uncomfortable condoms can easily break or slip, adding to the risk of infection or pregnancy.

Men can log onto the company's website and download and print out the length measurement card so they can order the most appropriate condom.

Huang says that since they introduced the service, there have been more than 20,000 downloads of the measurement card, and they have sold 5,000 dozens of condoms in different sizes.

To avoid embarrassment, the measurement card has no numbers on it to indicate an actual size, but unified serial numbers.

The serial number for the largest, (9.5 inches long, 2.5 inches in diameter) is G22, and the smallest (3 inches long, 1.6 inches in diameter) is J33.

THE LONELY OLD LADY AND THE FROG


An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered , "I'M LONELY TOO, BUY ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

The old lady figured--WHAT THE HECK, she hadn't found anything else.

She bought the frog and put him in the car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her "KISS ME AND YOU WONT BE SORRY."

So the old lady figured WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous sexy young handsome prince.

THE PRINCE THEN KISSED THE OLD LADY BACK....... AND GUESS WHAT THE OLD LADY TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS....







OOOOOOOHHHHHHH COME ON......



SHE TURNED INTO THE FIRST MOTEL SHE COULD FIND.

She's old.....NOT DEAD


KIller Klowns From Outer Space - A Tribute


If you've never seen "Killer Klowns From outer Space" you don't know what you are missing!

KIller Klowns From Outer Space



"Where's The Beef???"


Courts SNAFU

--On Did The Boned Beef Have To Take The Stand?


United States of America

vs.

2,116 Boxes of Boned Beef
Weighing Approximately 154,121 Pounds
and 541 Boxes of Offal,
Weighing Approximately 17,732 Pounds

--actual court case


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

What's Your Number?


The Wizard is a "3"...

Let the sender know your number. Once you have discovered your Birth Number, forward this post address (www.bbogdan.blogspot.com) to the rest of your friends, including the one who sent this to you. Put your nickname and "number" in the comments! Have fun!

Your birth date describes who we are, what we are good at and what our inborn abilities are. It also points to what we have to learn and the challenges we are facing.

To figure out your Birth Number, add all the numbers in the birth date together, like in the example, until there is only one digit. A Birth Number does not prevent you from being anything you want to be: it will just colour your choice differently and give you a little insight.

Example March 20, 1950
3 + 20 + 1950 = 1973
1 + 9 + 7 + 3 = 20
2 + 0 = 2

Keep going until you end up with a single digit number. 2 is the Birth Number to read for the birth date in the example.


#1 THE ORIGINATOR
#2 THE PEACEMAKER
#3 THE LIFE OF THE PARTY
#4 THE CONSERVATIVE
#5 THE NONCONFORMIST
#6 THE ROMANTIC
#7 THE INTELLECTUAL
#8 THE BIG SHOT
#9 THE PERFORMER

# 1 - THE ORIGINATOR

1's are originals. Coming up with new ideas and executing them is natural. Having things their own way is another trait that gets them as being stubborn and arrogant. 1's are extremely honest and do well to learn some diplomacy skills. They like to take the initiative and are often leaders or bosses, as they like to be the best. Being self-employed is definitely helpful for them. Lesson: to learn Others' ideas might be just as good or better and to stay open minded.

Famous 1's: Tom Hanks, Robert Redford, Hulk Hogan, Carol Burnett, Wynona Judd, Nancy Reagan, Raquel Welch.

#2 - THE PEACEMAKER

2's are the born diplomats. They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves. Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship. Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.

Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

# 3 - THE LIFE OF THE PARTY

3's are idealists. They are very creative, social, charming, romantic, and easygoing. They start many things, but don't always see them through. They like others to be happy and go to great lengths to achieve it. They are very popular and idealistic. They should learn to see the world from a more realistic point of view.

Famous 3's Alan Alder, Ann Landers, Bill Cosby, Melanie Griffith, Salvador Dali, Jodi Foster

# 4 - THE CONSERVATIVE

4's are sensible and traditional. They like order and routine. They only act when they fully understand what they are expected to do. They like getting their hands dirty and working hard. They are attracted to the outdoors and feel an affinity with nature. They are prepared to wait and can be stubborn and persistent. They should learn to be more flexible and to be nice to themselves.

Famous 4's: Neil Diamond, Margaret Thatcher, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tina Turner, Paul Hogan, Oprah Winfrey

# 5 - THE NONCONFORMIST

5's are the explorers. Their natural curiosity, risk taking, and enthusiasm often land them in hot water. They need diversity, and don't like to be stuck in a rut. The whole world is their school and they see a learning possibility in every situation. The questions never stop. They are well advised to look before they take action and make sure they have all the facts before jumping to conclusions.

Famous 5's: Abraham Lincoln, Charlotte Bronte, Jessica Walter, Vincent Van Gogh, Bette Midler, Helen Keller, and Mark Hail.

# 6 - THE ROMANTIC

6's are idealistic and need to feel useful to be happy. A strong family connection is important to them. Their actions influence their decisions. They have a strong urge to take care of others and to help. They are very loyal and make great teachers. They like art or music. They make loyal friends who take the friendship seriously. 6's should learn to differentiate between what they can change and what they cannot.

Famous 6's: Albert Einstein, Jane Seymour, John Denver, Meryl Streep, Christopher Columbus, Goldie Hawn

#7 - THE INTELLECTUAL

7's are the searchers. Always probing for hidden information, they find it difficult to accept things at face value. Emotions don't sway their decisions. Questioning everything in life, they don't like to be questioned themselves. They're never off to a fast start, and their motto is slow and steady wins the race. They come across as philosophers and being very knowledgeable, and sometimes as loners. They are technically inclined and make great researchers uncovering information. They like secrets. They live in their own world and should learn what is acceptable and what's not in the world at large.

Famous 7's William Shakespeare, Lucille Ball, Michael Jackson , Joan Baez, Princess Diana

# 8 - THE BIG SHOT

8's are the problem solvers. They are professional, blunt and to the point, have good judgment and are decisive. They have grand plans and like to live the good life. They take charge of people. They view people objectively. They let you know in no uncertain terms that they are the boss. They should learn to exude their decisions on their own needs rather than on what others want.

Famous 8's Edgar Cayce, Barbra Streisand, George Harrison, Jane Fonda, Pablo Picasso, Aretha Franklin, Nostrodamus, and Ron Connolly

#9 - THE PERFORMER

9's are natural entertainers. They are very caring and generous, giving away their last dollar to help. With their charm, they have no problem making friends and nobody is a stranger to them. They have so many different personalities that people around them have a hard time understanding them. They are like chameleons, ever changing and blending in. They have tremendous luck, but also can suffer from extremes in fortune and mood. To be successful, they need to build a loving foundation.

Famous 9's Albert Schweitzer, Shirley MacLaine, Harrison Ford, Jimmy Carter, Elvis Presley.

The Tomato Story (Received in an email....)


An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor, has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.

By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work.

His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet?

Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also!


Newfie Birth Control


Note: For my non-Canadian reader's, a 'Newfie' is someone from Newfoundland...)

Dear Doctor White

Lard thunderin' jassssus bye, I'm at me wits end and I'm prayin' you'll operate on me so I can have me nuts cut off and make me sterile.

Me reasons are numerous.

After being married for seven years and having had 9 children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are friggin' useless.

After getting married here in Ganderbye, I was advised by the priest to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, me wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured meself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from dat, where do ye find a band when ye get the urge at two o'clock in the mornin'?

Another doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we wus livin' with de in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks fer the safe period, when the 'ouse was empty. Needless to say dat didn't work, and da missus got pregnant again. Twins dis time.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy... but da wife, well she got pregnant again.

Another tale we 'eard was if da wife jumped up and down after intercourse dis would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk, stubbed 'er big toe, but she still got pregnant again. Jaaaaasus, 'nother set of twins. I asked the pharmacist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a big box. Me wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how stretching one of dem tings over yer index finger could ever stop da missus from getting knocked up yet again.

We tried the coil next but dat didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and me wife is definitely a right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but the wife got severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across 'er forehead. ...Ye can see me problems right?

If I can't 'ave da operation I will 'ave to resort to oral sex, but lard jasssssus bye I can't believe dat talking bout it is any substitute fer the real ting.

Do ye??


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