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Thursday, September 30, 2010

Credit Cards


And when we think we are not paranoid enough........

Credit Cards


Scene 1

What somebody would do with expired credit cards.

Friend goes to the local gym and places his belongings in the locker. After the workout and a shower, comes out, sees the locker open and thinks to himself, "Funny, I thought I locked the locker ... hmmm," dresses and just flips the wallet to make sure all is in order. Everything looks okay, all cards in place.

A few weeks later his credit card bill comes! A whooping bill of $14k! Calls up the credit card company and starts yelling at them saying that he did Not make the transactions. Customer care personnel verified that there is no mistake in the system and Asks if his card had been stolen.

"No" he says -- takes out wallet and pulls out card -- And -- yup! You guessed it -- a switch had been made! Another similar (same type Master/Visa from the same bank) expired card was placed in the wallet. The thief broke into his locker at the gym and Switched cards.

Verdict? Credit card issuer says since he did not report the card missing earlier, he would have to Still pay the amount owed to them. How much does he Have to pay for items he did not buy? $9k !!!!!

Why were there no calls to verify the amount swiped? Small amounts rarely trigger a 'warning bell' in some Credit card companies. It just so happens that the Small amounts amounted to big ones!


Scene 2

A dad at a local restaurant paid for his meal with his Credit card. The bill came, he signed it and the waitress folds the receipt and passes the credit card Along.

Usually, he would just take it and place it in his Wallet or pocket. Funny enough, he actually just took a look at the card and lo and behold -- expired card Of another person. He called the waitress and She looked perplexed. She took it back, apologized and hurried back to the counter under the watchful eye of The dad.

All the waitress did whilst walking to the counter was wave the wrong expired card to the counter cashier and the counter cashier immediately looked down and took Out the real card. No exchange of words --nothing -- she took it and came back to the Dad with apologies.

Verdict: make sure the credit cards in your wallet are Yours! Check the name on the card every time you sign for something and the card is taken away for even a Short period of time.

Many people just take back their credit card without even looking at it, thinking that it has to be theirs.

For your own sake, DEVELOP THE HABIT OF CHECKING YOUR CREDIT CARD EACH TIME IT IS RETURNED TO YOU AFTER A TRANSACTION!

The Perfect Dog! (One for DW)


The Perfect Dog

Google celebrates 50 Years of The Flintstones


50th Anniversary of The Flintstones

Batter-UP!


Two ninety-year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.

It seems that Sam is dying, so Moe comes to visit him. "Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives. Sam, you gotta' do me one favor. When you go, somehow you've got to tell me if there's baseball in heaven."

Sam looks up at Moe from his deathbed and says, Moe, you've been my friend many years. This favor I'll do for you." And with that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple nights later. Moe is sound asleep when a distant voice calls out to him, "Moe....Moe...."

"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. Who is it?"

"Moe, it's Sam."

"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam died."

"I'm telling you," insists the voice. "It's me, Sam!"

"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"

"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got some good news and some bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven"

"Really?" says Moe, "That's wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday!"

Baseball in Heaven

Back by 'POOP' ular Demand....


Play With The Poop Machine. Click Here.

Click above to "Play with the POOP Machine!"

*Wizard's Note: Depending on your choice of food, you may have to 'refresh' the poop machine page to continue eating.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bullying has got to STOP!


Seth Walsh, a Tehachapi 13-year-old who hanged himself from a tree in his back yard after years of being bullied, died Tuesday afternoon after nine days on life support.

Below is a video that was made while he was in hospital..


Give a Damn.org

Photoshop Fun


Captain, Speaking...

Puppy Peeing
Reason to buy the warranty

Dear Qantas

Friendship

Kangaroos

Not My Job

Rapper's MS-Word
Rapper's MS-Word

Referee
Referee Abuse

Hot Dog
Hot Dog

Fortune

Extreme Sports

Bomb Tech

Saskatchewan, Land of Living Skies


Prairie Sky

This picture was taken just northwest of Lumsden.(looking east)

You know you're from rural Saskatchewan when . . .


1. You never meet any celebrities except maybe "Theresa Sokyrka or The Cottonpickers " or the Johner Bros !
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
3. "Vacation" means going to Moose Jaw Spa.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular.
5. You measure distance in hours.
6. You know several people who have hit deer more than once.
7. Your classes were cancelled because of cold.
8. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
9. You use (or need) a down comforter in the summer.
10. Your grandparents drive at 100/km per hour through 13 feet of snow and raging blizzard - without flinching.
11. You plan your financial future around bingo.
12. You see people wear hunting clothes at social events.
13. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
14. You think of the major four food groups as deer meat, beer,fish and saskatoons.
15. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.
16. There are always 4 empty cars running in the parking lot at the beer store at any given time.
17. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
18. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
19. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow
20. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pyjamas.
22. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
23 You know all 4 seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter and Construction.
24. It takes 3 hours to go to the mall for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
25. You actually understand these jokes and forward them to all your friends from Saskatchewan.


Some Laughs For You


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 140 kilometers an hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 110, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep quiet for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep quiet?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, Now, Dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?

I love this part....

"Only when he's been drinking."



GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.




GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1)Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.





GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.



THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.



Pass this webpage along to 5 friends...trust me, they'll appreciate it. Who knows, maybe something good will happen.


If not...tough!


Tuesday, September 28, 2010

AN ELDERLY COUPLE


Elderly Couple An elderly couple is sitting together watching television.

During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial. "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"


Crabby Old Woman?


When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital near Dundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.


One nurse took her copy to Ireland.

The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health.

A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem.


And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet:




Crabby Old Woman

Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply

When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.


A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.


A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home.


A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.


At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.


For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.


I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.


The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.


But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.


I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years
All too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.


So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!



Remember this poem when you next meet an old person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . . we will all, one day, be there, too!


PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM. IT'S SOMETHING WE ALL NEED TO READ.


Fact or Crap?


Fact or Crap?


Sir Thomas Crapper invented the toilet.





Crap! , Crap! , and more Crap!. Thomas Crapper was a real person, who operated a plumbing business in 19th century London, but he didn’t invent the flush toilet. This is credited, instead, to Joseph Adamson, who took out the first patent for a flush toilet in 1853. A 1969 book by Wallace Reyburn, Flushed with Pride: The Story of Thomas Crapper, has helped to propagate the myth that Crapper was the inventor of the toilet. Reyburn’s biography of Crapper is simply a fabrication.


Remember The Gremlin?

Click here
Reminisce! Click above.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Gloria Stuart, Star of Titanic, dies a centenarian


Gloria StuartGloria Frances Stuart (July 4, 1910 – September 26, 2010) was an American actress. Over a Hollywood career that has spanned more than 70 years, Stuart appeared on stage, in television and film, and was best known for her roles as Claude Rains' sweetheart in The Invisible Man and as Old Rose in her Academy Award nominated role in the film Titanic.

She died yesterday at her home in West Los Angeles, California, the Los Angeles Times reported, citing her family. She was diagnosed with lung cancer five years ago, the newspaper said.

Stuart was 87 when “Titanic,” director James Cameron’s epic fictional account of passengers aboard the doomed luxury liner, opened in December 1997. The movie followed Rose (Kate Winslet) and Jack (Leonardo DiCaprio) as they met, fell in love, navigated the Titanic’s strict class divisions and then tried to survive after the ship struck an iceberg.

Stuart narrates the movie as 101-year-old Rose, who joins treasure hunters searching the Titanic’s wreckage for a legendary diamond necklace. Toward the film’s end, she reveals the necklace she has secretly possessed since the night the ship sank, and drops it into the ocean.

Stuart’s role in “Titanic” capped a film career that appeared to have ended, with little fanfare, decades earlier.


Gloria Stuart
‘Classy Yet Seductive’.



*Read more at imdb

Flow Chart To Fix Anything!


The List


The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy......................................Giving
The greatest loss.......................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.......................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love

The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without... ...................... Hope

The deadliest weapon..............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................"I Can"
The greatest asset.....................................Faith

The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm


Kids Say The Darndest Things....


Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things
Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

Kid's Say The Darndest Things

100 Reasons To Celebrate Saskatchewan!


Click here

Reason #17

Click above to find them out!

They Grow 'Em Big In Texas....


A Texan went to Chicago and thought he would buy a new "city" outfit.

He went into Marshall Fields and when asked by a sweet young woman if she could help him, he answered, "Yes ma'am. Ya see, I'm from Texas and I want to buy a complete city outfit."

Her eyes lit up as she asked, "Where would you like to start?"

"Well, ma'am, how about a suit?"

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Size 53 tall, ma'am."

"Wow, that's really big."

"Yes ma'am, they really grow them big in Texas."

"What's next?" she asked.

He replied, "How about some shoes?"

"What size?"

"Size 15 double E."

"Wow, that's really big!.

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big inTexas."

"What's next?"

"Well, I reckon I'll need a shirt."

"Yes sir. What size?"

"Nineteen and a half neck, sleeves 38," he replied.

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big inTexas."

"Will there be anything else?" she asked.

"Yes ma'am. I 'spect I'll need a hat."

"Yes sir. What size? and style?"

"Eight and five-eighths. Stetson."

"Wow, that's really big!"

"Yes ma'am. They really grow them big inTexas."

She virtually glowed as she asked, "Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No ma'am , I reckon that will be all."

As the sweet young thing tallied up his bill, and as the Texan counted out his money, she blushed and asked, "Sir, could I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes ma'am, I already know what it is..... And the answer is four inches."

Astonished, she blurted out, "Why, my boyfriend is bigger than that!"

Without so much as a stutter, the Texan replied........................



From the floor ma'am................. From the floor.

HYUK!


Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Gambler


Gambler During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks".

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler", replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it.

"Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again".

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar.

The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on".

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!".

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the card room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!".


Amazing!


Amazing!

Thirty Days hath September


Thirty Days hath September

Thirty days hath September,
April, June and November;
February has twenty eight alone
All the rest have thirty-one
Except in Leap Year, that's the time
When February's Days are twenty-nine


and alternately;

30 days hath September,
April, June and November,
All the rest have 31,
Excepting February alone.
Which only has but 28 days clear
And 29 in each leap year

Counting on hands There is also a mnemonic counting on the knuckles of one's hand to remember the numbers of days of the months. Count knuckles as 31 days, depressions between knuckles as 30 (or 28/29) days. Start with the pointer finger's knuckle as January, and count one finger at a time towards the pinky knuckle (July), saying the months as you go. Then jump back to the pointer knuckle (now August) and continue for the remaining months.

Counting on hands One variant of this approach differs after reaching the pinky knuckle (July): instead of wrapping around back to the pointer finger, some people reverse direction and continue from the pinky knuckle (counting it for both July and August) and ending on the middle finger knuckle. Still others use two hands: starting with the pinky knuckle of the left hand proceed to the left pointer knuckle, then (swapping hands) jump to the right fist's index knuckle for August, finishing on the knuckle of the right ring finger (December).

My Kind Of Angel


My kind of Angel

Hill-Billy Mama


A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids..." WOW",the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS?"

"They are all mine", the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says," Sit down Leroy.

All the children rush to find seats. "Well", says the social worker," then you must be here to sign up.I'll need all your children's names".

"This one's my oldest - he is Leroy."
"OK, and who's next?"
"Well, this one, he is Leroy, also."
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy!

"All right", says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. . ..are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy' an they all comes arunnin. An if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea Iever had, naming them all Leroy.

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you want just ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their last names".


Saturday, September 25, 2010

Marriage is a 'Sacred' Institution...


Same-Sex Marriage


The Morality Test


The Morality Test. Click here.

Click above

The Paper-less Toilet
Have a lick. Save a Tree!


Paperless Toilet

How many group members does it take to change a lightbulb?


Lightbulb


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

53 to flame the spell checkers

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...

another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their "acceptable use policy"

109 to post that this group is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb group

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb group about changing light bulbs be stopped

111 to defend the posting to this group saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this group

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty

27 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three"

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ

44 to ask what is a "FAQ"

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

143 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again....

get the point? heehee

Lightbulb