Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
From The Late Show with David Letterman
10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein
9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"
8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium
7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"
6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards
5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"
4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets
3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"
2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand
1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask
The Top 5 Signs Your Prom Date Is William Hung
5. He manages to tear your dress, trash your corsage and step on *both* your feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway.
4. Despite his embarrassing performance in the back seat of his car, his earnest demeanor landed him a $25,000 porno deal.
3. His tux? The limo? The hotel room? Everything has been rented for just 15 minutes.
2. "Our next song is by request -- for the fifth time tonight, not that we're counting... 'She Bangs!'"
and the Number 1 Sign Your Prom Date Is William Hung...
1. Fox has already cleared three nights of its fall schedule to accommodate a series documenting the evening, with rights to a second one covering the after-party.
Top Ten Things I Can Say Now That I Lost "American Idol"
10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks"
9. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for 'The Apprentice'"
8. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV"
7. "If you want to see me 'perform,' I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow"
6. "George W. Bush didn't win the popular vote either, and he's done pretty well for himself"
5. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants"
4. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was"
3. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling"
2. "I handled my loss well -- I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car"
1. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your asshole. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar." "Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again. "What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" "Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient. "What in the hell is that supposed to mean?" "Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass..."
Three men were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear, speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom. He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!
Q. Define "Egghead:"
A. What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
Carole Pope (born August 6, 1950 in Manchester, England) is a Canadian rock singer-songwriter, whose provocative blend of hard-edged New Wave rock with explicit homoerotic and BDSM-themed lyrics made her one of the first openly lesbian pop stars in the world. She is the sister of Emmy Award-winning television producer and screenwriter Elaine Pope.
Pope was raised in Scarborough, Ontario, where she met her longtime musical partner, Kevan Staples at an audition for another band. In 1968, they began performing together as a duo in Yorkville, which was Toronto's live music and arts district at the time. In 1970, they adopted the name O, changing it to The Bullwhip Brothers the following year.
In 1975, they added several other musicians to the lineup, changing the band name to Rough Trade. With Rough Trade, Pope often performed in black leather pants and bondage attire.
Pope won the Juno Award for Most Promising Female Vocalist in 1981, and subsequently won the Juno Award for Best Female Vocalist in 1982 and 1983. She and Staples co-wrote the 1983 single "Transformation", recorded by Nona Hendryx. Pope also appeared as a guest vocalist on the Payola$ single "Never Said I Loved You", which was a top ten hit in 1983.
During the 1980s Rough Trade won a Genie Award, and earned four gold and two platinum records.
Although the band did not record or perform extensively after its final Deep Six in '86 tour, they did not officially break up until 1988. Three years later Pope moved to Los Angeles to pursue film and television soundtrack work. Although she has recorded and toured to promote several solo albums, and has played reunion shows with Rough Trade, her solo career has been lower-profile than her time with the band.
In 2000, Random House published Pope's autobiography, Anti-Diva. The book was Pope's first public acknowledgement that she had been in a relationship with British singer Dusty Springfield in the early 1980s. Pope also mentioned a brief romance with Andrea Martin, of SCTV fame.
Soon afterward, Pope re-recorded the Rough Trade single "High School Confidential" for the Queer as Folk (Season 1) soundtrack. She also appeared in the Toronto production of The Vagina Monologues in 2001, then moved to New York City to continue writing and recording.
In 2004, after returning to Los Angeles, Pope released a full-length solo album, "Transcend".
Seagate FreeAgent Go 500GB External Hard Drive
You and your content belong together. Weighing only 6.35 ounces, the Seagate FreeAgent Go makes it easy to confidently carry your up-to-date portfolio in your pocket. This full-featured, portable backup and storage solution backup and complete recovery of your PC hard drive’s contents in case of a system crash or virus/spyware attack. A simple user interface makes automated backup scheduling, specific file restoration, and security a snap. You can automatically sync data on multiple computers so you always have your latest files handy.
It’s easy to install – just plug the drive’s USB cable into an available port on your PC. The Seagate FreeAgent Go comes with preloaded software, so you’re off and running!
This is an excellent value (especially since the Wizard got it $60 off ( regular $170) so that works out to 512,000 Mega-Bytes or about $0.000214 per Mega byte!!!
Q: Who is Dr. McNinja?
A: Dr. McNinja is a doctor who is also a ninja.
Q: That's a pretty kooky name, Dr. McNinja. How'd you come up with that?
A: Well, way back in 2003, it was originally just my Something Awful forums name, and it was really close to being Dr. McNuggets. (I had a bit of a thing for them back then. I also like claiming to be a doctor.) But last second before registering, I realized I could kick up the awesome a pretty decent amount by changing the"Nuggets" to "Ninja."
Q: How do you transition from internet name to internet comic?
A: Well, over at Something Awful, there are these uh... drawing fights, I guess is the best way to put it. You draw up a characterization of your user name and then you draw him/her fighting the other people's characters! It's fun! And for one of these fights, I drew the gentleman pictured above, and voila, the good doctor was truly born. And if you'll look, I wasn't lying about him being a doctor, and a ninja. See the sword? See the degree? Proof. Anyway, shortly after that fight, I made this comic about him for a class.
Q: What kind of doctor is he anyway? That's a PhD on his wall. The sign in front of his office says he's a physician. In the one comic he's doing dental work on a patient, and then says he's a podiatrist!
A: Ninjas are mysterious in their ways. Way mysterious.
Click here to read the comics!
*Pictures and logos are copyrighted by their respective companies
Friday, February 27, 2009
WASHINGTON—A little more than a month after the first family's move to the White House, reports of strange happenings have continued to surface, with Sasha Obama confirming Tuesday that she had once again been visited by the eerie specter of the Bush twins.
Sasha, who was playing in the East Wing of the executive mansion so as not to disturb her busy father, reported seeing the former first twins while riding her Big Wheel tricycle down the Cross Hall corridor. The frightening apparitions, the 7-year-old said, emerged out of thin air and were dressed in identical outfits consisting of spaghetti strap tank tops and denim skirts.
"At approximately 4:36 p.m., we received a detailed account from Sasha Obama about a series of manifestations in the White House," press secretary Robert Gibbs announced. "However, a thorough search conducted by security officials has thus far uncovered nothing."
BRITISH ACTRESS WENDY RICHARD DEAD AT 65 http://celebritydeathbeeper.com/5674441.html
A bit delayed on this one, and:
'ELO' KEYBOARDIST KELLY GROUCUTT DIES
'RONETTE' ESTELLE BENNETT DIES
MOTOCROSS STAR JEREMY LUSK DIES DURING COMPETITION
'ONE LIFE TO LIVE' ACTOR CLINT RICHIE
'ONE LIFE TO LIVE' ACTOR PHIL CAREY DIES
'BUFFALO SPRINGFIELD' DRUMMER DEWEY MARTIN DIES
LPGA FOUNDER BETTY JAMESON
GRAND MASTER HELIO GRACIE DIES
Thursday, February 26, 2009
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Señor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'Yes, Señor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Señor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Señor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made R580 XD golf club.'
SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!'
Below is video of an Rolls Royce engine on a test stand undergoing a 'Bird Ingestion' test. This test is accomplished by firing a bird, [generally a dead chicken complete with feathers and internal organs] at the engine. The bird's weight is a function of the inlet and fan diameter, This test is considered a success if the failure was completely contained, [i. e. No engine parts penetrated the engine cases or the aircraft cowling and there is no sustained external fire]. It does not take long for the engine to digest the bird as well as a significant number of its' own blades & vanes. The video lasts 33 seconds and the bird is fired into the engine at the 17 second mark......
Now you have some idea what the pilot of that US Air flight faced when he ingested birds into both engines simultaneously!! It also gives you a fair idea why the one engine's mounts failed after the water landing and dropped off the wing.
by Adrian Nadler
What kind of message are you sending when you put on your hat?
There is a lot of history behind the most popular kinds of hats worn today and their origins explain a lot about their use.
Ball caps are ubiquitous due both to their utility and versatility. Originally designed for Major League Baseball around the start of the 20th century, they have since served useful for professional golfers and tennis players. Since they can also be worn for any casual outdoor sport or recreation, and because they block the sun so well, they can also indicate an active lifestyle.
As a symbol of American culture, baseball caps capture that everyman, sports fan quality. They will always be used to declare affiliation with a sports team or city, but were appropriated by fashion in the 1980s. Being able to customize baseball caps by using the team logo’s space for any kind of art or graphic or by wearing bright colours and designs increases their value as a personal fashion statement.
Depending on the colours and designs that a hat sports, how the brim is bent and how it is worn on the head, baseball caps can be part of the style of many distinct subcultures. Hip hop has expensive caps with stiff brims worn askew, truckers have them made cheap from mesh and foam and some of the world’s armed forces use them to display rank and insignia.
The use of these European-style tweed caps can be traced back to 14th century Britain and Ireland and were first associated with the working class. Despite that, they were used by the middle and upper class as casual dress. They lend a more sophisticated look than baseball caps.
Today, they’re still popular in working-class Irish communities, like Boston, but are seen worn by popular musicians, comedians, actors and athletes. They have, like baseball caps, become popular worn backwards. If you wear a flat cap compared to a baseball cap, you’ll look more formal, mature and refined in taste while still looking casual.
Another European design, berets were originally worn by peasants around the border of France and Spain, and later became part of the uniform for the French military. Now used by militaries all over the world, berets look less functional and more ornamental than other hats. Military berets are always worn folded tightly to one side and displaying insignia, reflecting the formality and professionalism of the armed forces.
Che Guevara made berets iconic. Since they are not seen as often as caps, they’re more of a fashion statement and it’s more interesting to see a person wearing one. Also, because they’re associated with French culture, they give a look of cultivation.
Everybody in Canada knows what a toque is, but elsewhere, they’re called all sorts of things like skullcap, wool cap, knit cap and beanie. Other than being a purely functional winter hat, often made long and folded over at the brim to snugly fit the head, there are thinner, more stylish designs that are sometimes worn in warmer weather. Brimmed versions are worn by snowboarders, and fans and athletes of other extreme sports like surfing and skateboarding also have toques as part of their style.
You don’t see brimmed hats very often because they are used either for specific purposes or in specific regions. One example is the fedora, which is one of the wide-brimmed hats from the 20th century still worn today, albeit rarely. Your personal style needs to reflect a love of vintage fashion to pull off this one, otherwise you’ll stand out in a bad way.
Other brimmed hats likewise look silly unless you wear them for their intended purpose. Loose-fitting boonie hats are used by armed forces and also when you go fishing or for outdoor use in general, but if they are worn in public, it is a sign that the wearer just doesn’t care about how he looks. Cowboy hats likewise should never be worn unless you know how to ride a horse and do so on a regular basis.
Overall, these kinds of hats are great for getting attention, but make sure it’s the kind you want.
The Right Fit
Hats aren’t a necessary part of your wardrobe, but you should be aware of how they can be used to amp up or add to a look. It will help to keep your wardrobe versatile by making you look more active or sophisticated or hip, depending on your goal, so try on some different kinds to see what works best for you.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
An 18-year-old girl plowed directly into the rear of another vehicle. She was going 70 mph. She apparently never even saw them. You see, she had been texting at the time.
You can see that she hit them dead-center with no attempt to slow or evade the collision.
She hit dead-center on her 2008 Yukon SUV as well. She escaped unscathed.
There was no blowout, no wet road, no curve or hill or fog to limit visibility. This girl clearly should have been able to see the traffic conditions at least a half mile ahead had she been looking and not texting. She nearly killed a beautiful 3-year-old child?
Here's a personal look at the real human cost of texting while driving:
Griffin before the accident.
Griffen the day after 4 hours of surgery to repair multiple skull fractures. He would surely have died or been severely disabled had they not been minutes away (by StarFlight helicopter) from Austin's world-class children's Dell Children's Medical Center and neurosurgeon Dr. Timothy George.
Day 4 - watching a movie on his Dad's iPhone.
The swelling of his head will go away, but that scar from ear-to-ear will be with him forever.
Feeling better. Mmmmm - mac-n-cheese. :-)
Day 5 - feeling much better. My granddad bought me my very own iPod and loaded it with movies. Life is good .
This morning. All my tubes are finally out. I'm going home today!
Note how much the swelling has improved in just three days.
It's almost unbelievable that it's been only five days since the accident that nearly claimed his life.
All the medical experts involved expect him to make a full recovery.
Pretty soon he'll be all healed up and back to normal - thank the Lord!
In only six weeks he'll be allowed to be just as active as any other 3-year-old.
Phone company records of text messages are irrefutable and accurate to the second; so it would be an easy matter to prove in court that a person was texting at the time of an accident.. As with drunken driving, a jail sentence (no matter the driver's age) will be mandatory whenever anyone is injured by an InTEXTicated driver.
I encourage you to forward this email to all your friends. We must try to stop 'Driving While InTEXTicated' before more innocent people are maimed or killed.
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse; Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, 'Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.
When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
And the macro code instructions are causing serious risk,
Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
And then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?
Thank you Bill Gates, for bringing all this into our lives,
and to think it all started with Widoze 95!
(actually he had us YEARS before that!)
From: Shauna Foster
Date: February 7, 2009 10:12:08 AM GMT-05:00
I felt the need to write every single person on my contact list after experiencing a devastating loss yesterday.
We were left bankrupt after being victim to internet fraud.
I had sold an old dining set for my folks on Kijiji and it turns out the purchaser was a member of an international ring. Seemingly normal transaction, a man sent me a money order for the set, which he was apparently going to give to his wife as a gift. I chatted with the fellow both via email and on the phone.
I verified the money order at our RBC branch. It was approved and cashed.
I was notified by police yesterday morning that the money order was fraudulent and our bank account had been drained.
RBC and Police said these fraudsters are getting so clever at passing fake bank notes/money orders--the tellers are unable to pick up on anything untoward. That's how legit these money orders appear. Not even the scanners detected anything abnormal when I asked.
There is no chance the money will be returned or reimbursed by RBC. The only glimmer of hope is that because my sister in law manages TD, she was able to tell us that had the RBC teller looked on her computer screen, she would have seen a red-flag warning to all banks to NOT process any money orders carrying the code that was on the very same one RBC cashed for me.
As it turns out, this is becoming an extremely common occurance, especially in western Canada. The police inspector told me DOZENS of these fake money orders from online purchases via Kijiji/Ebay are being passed daily. Just 2 days ago, police told me of another Saskatoon man who sold his vehicle on Kijiji and lost nearly 100 thousand dollars.
I wanted to write this to warn everyone of the dangers of internet shopping and accepting payment.
We are completely broke. Thank God for my parents, friends and Rawlco for helping through this really awful time.
Pls. don't feel the need to write back--just pass this along to WHOEVER so it will not happen again to someone else. Just last night, one of my girlfriends was about to accept payment for a dress with a money order and I caught her before she made a huge mistake.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
All over in the blink of an eye and you won’t know until after the event!
This is a reconstruction of a crash involving a stationary Australian Ford Falcon XT sedan being struck in the driver's door by another vehicle travelling at 50 km/h.
One millisecond equals 1/1000th of a second.
0 milliseconds - An external object touches the driver's door.
1 ms - The car's door pressure sensor detects a pressure wave.
2 ms - An acceleration sensor in the C-pillar behind the rear door also detects a crash event.
2.5 ms - A sensor in the car's centre detects crash vibrations.
5 ms - Car's crash computer checks for insignificant crash events, such as a shopping trolley impact or incidental contact. It is still working out the severity of the crash. Door intrusion structure begins to absorb energy.
6.5 ms - Door pressure sensor registers peak pressures.
7 ms - Crash computer confirms a serious crash and calculates its actions.
8 ms - Computer sends a "fire" signal to side airbag. Meanwhile, B-pillar begins to crumple inwards and energy begins to transfer into cross-car load path beneath the occupant.
8.5 ms - Side airbag system fires.
15 ms - Roof begins to absorb part of the impact. Airbag bursts through seat foam and begins to fill.
17 ms - Cross-car load path and structure under rear seat reach maximum load.
Airbag covers occupant's chest and begins to push the shoulder away from impact zone.
20 ms - Door and B-pillar begin to push on front seat. Airbag begins to push occupant's chest away from the impact.
27 ms - Impact velocity has halved from 50 km/h to 23.5 km/h. A "pusher block" in the seat moves occupant's pelvis away from impact zone. Airbag starts controlled deflation.
30 ms - The Falcon has absorbed all crash energy. Airbag remains in place. For a brief moment, occupant experiences maximum force equal to 12 times the force of gravity.
45 ms - Occupant and airbag move together with deforming side structure.
50 ms - Crash computer unlocks car's doors. Passenger safety cell begins to rebound, pushing doors away from occupant.
70 ms - Airbag continues to deflate. Occupant moves back towards middle of car. Engineers classify crash as "complete".
150-300 ms - Occupant becomes aware of collision.
"Degrassi - The Next Generation" is a Canadian show based in Toronto, Canada. It is a show that takes place in a Junior/Senior High school that would be typical of any school in Canada. The story follows several kids as they come across issues and problems and joys of school life and also life out of school.
The show is not afraid to tackle the issues either, from dealing with Internet bullying to relationships, dating and even homophobia and coming out.
The show has been on for several years and yet remains fresh as a new generation of kids start at Degrassi and a new generation of kids start watching the show.
I used to watch Degrassi (The original series), and really enjoyed it. I think the show is important and should be watched by Teens, Tweens and their parents. I still watch the show to see what is likely going on at my 12 year old son's school. That way, I can be ready when issues arrive about peer pressure and other issues that The Next Generation tackles.
Degrassi - The Next Generation can be seen Sunday evenings on CTV. Click below to visit the official site.