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Thursday, January 31, 2008

13 Reasons to smile!


1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.



HYUK!


2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.



HYUK!


3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.



HYUK!


4. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?



HYUK!


5. A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"



HYUK!


6. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!



HYUK!


7. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."



HYUK!


8. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.



HYUK!


9. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



HYUK!


10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?



HYUK!


11. Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.



HYUK!


12. Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?



HYUK!


13. Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"



HYUK!

Selling Chickens


After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor. The Pope says, "What can I do for you?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it, I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I cannot change the words." The Colonel sadly hangs up.

After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel panics, and calls again. "Listen Your Excellency. I really need your help. I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.'" And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I cannot change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This is my final offer, Your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican." The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

The next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and says, "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news.

The Pope replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."


Awesome Picture!


Ask The Wizard (System Hi-Jack )


The Wunnerful Wizard of 'OZ' Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

I have a Windows XP SP1 system that was hi-jacked. There seems to be a program that is now loaded at startup that redirects the homepage for IE 7 to through allaboutsearching.com. If the browser is opened to this page a number of DLL's are loaded that inundate the system with popup's.

I've run Spybot 1.3 with updates, AdAware SE with updates, Panda virus scan and Norton virus scan using Bloodhound. These cleared out all the popup SW that was loaded, but the startup program appears to remain (looks like it might be loaded then swapped into paged memory.) I need help in locating this program and getting rid of it.

Signed,

Hi-Jacked

Dear Hi-Jacked,

Have you tried msconfig.exe? You can disable startup items there. Try disabling certain startup items until it seems you got the right one, then delete that one.

Alternatively, you can search the registry. Most start up items are in:

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\Software\Microsoft\ Windows\Current_Version\Run; or

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Windows\Current_Version\Run.

Examine the registry under \Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer in each branch. Make sure the homepage and search url's are legit or delete. I have cleaned systems to the point of knowing every running process is legit, then open IE and have malicious apps launched with IE due to these entries. One this is clean you should be okay.

I would also suggest these additional steps:

1. Go to Folder Options and enable "Show hidden files & Folders.

2. Go to %SYSTEMROOT%\Prefetch\ and delete all files

3. Go to C:\Documents and Settings\CURRENT_USER\ Local_Settings\Temp and delete all files.

4. Do a search for all folders called "Temporary Internet Files" and delete all files in them.

5. Look in any "Temp" directory where the files used to re-install the hijack software may be.

6. Use a more comprehensive utility than Task Manger to see what processes are running (just look around the web a bit). Look for processes you can't identify.

7. I have found MSCONFIG to be useless for this kind of thing so you're better off manually editing the registry. Go to the following keys:

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\ Windows\CurrentVersion\Run\

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE\Microsoft\ Windows\CurrentVersion\Run\

Look for items you can't identify. See if you can trace the executable using the values in the associated PATH or IMAGEPATH keys.

HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE\SOFTWARE and

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\SOFTWARE should be checked.

Look for vendor key names you don't know and look into them. You may find the culprit lurking there.

Another key to examine is...

HKEY_CURRENT_USER\Software\Microsoft\Internet Explorer\

Now the reason for all of this deleting and such is that I have found that many of these browser hijackers can re-install themselves using boot calls to install programs hiding in the places noted. Often these will be CAB files in Prefetch, TEMP directories, and the BHO or Activex directories.

It may take some diligence but using these methods I was able to track down a particularly nasty hijaker on a customer's PC.

Prevention is simple, don't go to porn or gambling sites without having some decent security software running along with a firewall. My customer had neither. I charged him a "reasonable" amount for these hours of work (I'm a soft touch, I guess) but told him that if he didn't acquire the software/hardware required to protect himself I would charge him by the hour instead of by the task. This will cost him around $800.

Hope this helps.

Yrs,

The Wizard

The 2 Adams


In the Theory of Two Adams there were two couples in the Garden of Eden: Adam 1 and Eve, and Adam 2 and Steve. Now while Adam 1 and Steve were out pruning the Kiwi trees on the far side of the garden, Adam 2 and Eve were hanging out in the general vicinity of the Apple Tree. While giving each other pedicures and exchanging recipes for Kiwi casserole, along comes the snake and talks Eve into having a snack to go along with their smooth and well manicured-feet. However, it was in fact Adam 2 who didn’t stop Eve, after all the trimming and filing, he was famished.

Well, God was so angry with the Adams, Steve, and Eve he banished them from the Garden and sent them in separate directions. Adam 1 and Eve moved west to plow the land, form prejudices, and make babies. They blamed Adam 2 and Steve for the whole ordeal, especially for the next few thousand years without Kiwi. Adam 2 and Steve went east and eventually formed Ancient Greece where they created culture, government, and progressive thought. They too resented Adam 1 and Eve, after all what is a fag without his hag!

Of course this theory sparked ongoing debates. Was this in fact the point in history where straight people took it upon themselves to taint the fashion world by introducing fig leaves? Did Adam 2’s comment, "Girl, tell that snake to peel the apples and heat up the Godiva in the Fondue Cauldron or I’m not eating it" really constitute blame worthy of banishment from the Garden? After all, Adam 2 never ate the apple because the chocolate was not produced. But in the end the only thing everyone agreed on was that Kiwi, the yummiest fruit of all, being hidden in such a bland unfashionable brown skin, was the worst punishment dealt out by the Almighty that day.

A pointless and ridiculous debate? Of course. But no more silly than why two women who love each other can’t get married in the country they pay taxes in (The US). Will it be their nation’s legacy to be the last country in Western Civilization to give all its citizens true equality? Will they continue to cling to the past way of life that condoned slavery, religious persecution, and wars in the name of a Christ who preached peace and love to all?

Maybe this time, for the first time, with communication and information flowing faster between people via the Internet than ever before, it won’t take three or four generations for the mindset to change. Maybe, just maybe, the Theory of Two Adams, Two Eves, and One Adam with One Eve will be viewed equally by the eyes of society. One step for gay people everywhere could very well be the next step toward a society that learns from the past, and strives to make things better for all people in the future, gay or straight.


Playing Hookey


Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."


Twisted Jokes - Little Johnny


One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.

"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fuckin' beautiful!'"

Hyuk!

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.

It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."

"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"

"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Hyuk!

In little Johnny's class at school, there's this kid with no arms or legs called Philip. Johnny knocks at the door of Philip's house and asks if Philip can come out to play soldiers.

"Johnny, you know full well that Philip hasn't got any arms or legs" says his mother.

"Yeah, I know that," says Johnny - "I was going to use him as a sandbag."

Hyuk!

A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."

"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"

"He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed."

Hyuk!

"Okay, class, we're going to play a game today," said the third grade teacher. "I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word 'perhaps' in it."

She then goes around the room asking each child.

Mikey says, "Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won't give us any homework."

The teacher says, "Very good, Mikey."

Clair says, "The sky is very dark, perhaps it's going to rain."

The teacher says, "Very good, Clair."

Little Johnny says, "Yesterday, when I got home from school my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna shit on the piano."


Wednesday, January 30, 2008

NEW RULES FOR ENTERING ALBERTA


Alberta beef

1. Bring your own house.

2. If you are going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school, and hospital.

3. If you are going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket.This is the murder capital of Canada.

4. If you are driving to Edmonton , note that it is also the auto theft center of Canada

5. If you are bringing drugs, head straight to Fort McMurray, the drug capital of Canada

6. If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $8.00 per hour.

7. If you work downtown, note that parking costs $5.00 per hour or more.

8. If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton or Calgary , why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday.

9. If you drive a Hummer, look out. Alberta has the highest gas prices in Canada.(The Alberta Advantage)

10. In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don't come here sick.

11. In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12 years ago.
Calgary is a no parking zone.





NEW CALGARY RULES OF THE ROAD:

1. You must first learn to pronounce the name correctly -- it is: 'CAL-GREE'. The second 'A' is redundant.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning and ends on Saturday night.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On the Deerfoot 500, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered 'Wussy'.

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Calgary now has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, Calgary , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Calgary. Detour barrels are moved around each night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more new construction starts everyday.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage, squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. In Calgary, 16th Avenue, TransCanada, and 'Hwy #1' are all the same road.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you will be shot.

12. For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candles and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw.


*Thanks, Daryn

Force strong for new Jedi church


Barney, 26 - or Master Jonba Hehol - and Daniel, 21 - Master Morda Hehol - head the UK Church of the Jedi, in honour of the film's good knights.Two Star Wars-loving brothers planning a Jedi church hope it will be much nearer than a galaxy far, far away. Barney and Daniel Jones want fellow devotees to be able to join them close to their home on Anglesey.

Barney, 26 - or Master Jonba Hehol - and Daniel, 21 - Master Morda Hehol - head the UK Church of the Jedi, in honour of the film's good knights.

They say their services will include sermons on "the Force," light sabre training, and meditation techniques.

Hairdresser Barney became interested in the Jedi faith after 390,000 other Star Wars fans across England and Wales declared it as their religion on the 2001 census.

An internet campaign was fought to see Jedi officially included in the list and although this did not happen, collators included a special code to register the Jedis.

He said: "As children we always watched the Star Wars films anyway. We noticed that there were a couple of sites on the internet, Jedi church sites.


Obviously, if someone starts to try and use the good force for greed and power, they are going to bring negative interference into the meetings
Barney Jones

"We printed off a couple of sermons and did a sermon in our house for a couple of friends one night."

Barney and his musician brother Daniel, from Holyhead, help run four websites devoted to the development of the "faith".

They plan to go to the official opening of a Surrey-based branch or "chapter" of the UK Church of the Jedi in April, and hope to hire an Anglesey venue for their own services.

Already six followers regularly meet in north Wales to discuss setting up the "church".


"My brother and I would hold sermons, do talks and get guest speakers," explained Barney.

"We would read out essays members of the congregation have submitted on their feelings about the Jedi and the Force: do meditation, relaxation and visualisation techniques and a bit of light-sabre training."

Watching the films as children gave the brothers a good understanding of the "faith," said Barney.

"We had a knowledge of the Force from that and the teachings of Yoda. We've read the teachings on the internet.

"Our father is a karate black belt, we used to train with him, which is where we got the martial arts."

Barney, who has watched the Star Wars films "multiple dozens of times," does not wear film-themed clothing in public, but he and his brother would do so at Jedi church meetings.

'Sense of unity'

He said: "My brother and I will wear the Jedi robes, the dark brown robes... the congregation would be in black. Really to bring a sense of unity to the meetings."

Although the current members are all men, women are not excluded, as Barney Jones points out: "Princess Leia helped them out a lot."

However, any congregation member drawn to the dark side of the Force, embodied in the film by Darth Vader, would be advised they are following the wrong path and could face expulsion.

Barney explained: "Obviously, if someone starts to try and use the good force for greed and power, they are going to bring negative interference into the meetings.

"We cannot have the Force disrupted by negative interference."



*Story from BBC NEWS

DE-STRESSERS to make you smile.....


*Thanks,Pam

Kylie Minogue "In My Arms" Music Video Is Here!


Kylie Minogue fans - rejoice! Here is the new music video for Kylie's X single "In My Arms!"

OK: hot, robotic backup dancers? Yup. Beautiful Kylie in crazy outfits? Oh, yeah. Over-the-top seductive glances? Of course! And you know what this means? The video for "Wow" will come out any time now!




*NewNowNext

Bill Clinton: 'Screw It, I'm Running For President'


CHARLESTON, SC—After spending two months accompanying his wife, Hillary, on the campaign trail, former president Bill Clinton announced Monday that he is joining the 2008 presidential race, saying he "could no longer resist the urge."

"My fellow Americans, I am sick and tired of not being president," said Clinton, introducing his wife at a "Hillary '08" rally.


--more--


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...



ON SOME PEOPLE ARE EASILY IMPRESSED
"I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome."


--actress Drew Barrymore, after traveling to an impoverished village for an MTV environmental special


TRUE or FALSE? YOU DECIDE!





In Monopoly, the $20.00 Bill is green.







The $500 bill is orange; $100, beige; $50, blue; $10, yellow; $5, pink; and $1, white.




Monopoly Money

The Wiz On The Street


Yahoo!, the popular internet portal site, plans to trim its workforce by 10 to 20 percent at the end of the month. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"

Marcia WolstencroftMarcia Wolstencroft,
Systems Analyst
"The exclamation point they insist on putting at the end of the company name seems so hollow and disingenuous now."

Simon BushSimon Bush,
Cabinet Installer
"With my luck, they'll probably get rid of the guy who could tell me how to get rid of that goddamn toolbar from my browser."

Dave SchofieldDave Schofield,
Wardrobe Consultant
"Oh no! Does this mean that dot-com bubble of the '90s is about to burst?"




*American Voices, The Onion

BANNED FROM WALMART


This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

DON'T TAKE ME IF I DON'T WANT TO GO...........

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.



Wal-Mart logo

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart


*Thanks, Alison

Saskatchewan Exotic Dancer


Saskatchewan Exotic Dancer
*Thanks, Pam.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Rude/Dirty Tongue Twisters

These are tongue-twisters which are not themselves rude, but they are dangerous because if you try saying them fast then you might end up saying something naughty!

I am not the pheasant plucker,
I'm the pheasant plucker's mate.
I am only plucking pheasants
Because the pheasant plucker's late.


I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit;
and on the slitted sheet I sit.

One smart fellow; he felt smart.
Two smart fellows; they felt smart.
Three smart fellows; they all felt smart.


I'm not the fig plucker,
Nor the fig pluckers' son,
But I'll pluck figs
Till the fig plucker comes.

Fire truck tyres


Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.
Not a punt cut square,
Just a square cut punt.
It's round in the stern and blunt in the front.
Mrs Puggy Wuggy has a square cut punt.

Six stick shifts stuck shut.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumpers.

A GUIDE TO SAFE FAX




Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.

Q. My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should be before they have fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.

Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.

Q. There is a place at a hotel nearby where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A. Yes, many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a 'professional' when their need to fax becomes too great.

Q. Should you always use a cover when you fax?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.

Q. What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long time. Just start over. Most people won't mind if you try again.

Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won't have to worry that you have faxed the wrong person.

NOTE FROM THE WIZARD: If you feel that you have had unsafe fax, you should immediately contact a qualified fax therapist!


The "Microsoft Shock Treatment"


Okay... Let's Try This Again....'There is only MSN. There Has Only Been MSN'. 'Also, You Will Vote For Me For 'People's Sexiest Man Alive Again...'

Play With The Mona Lisa Smile

Play with Mona!
Click above

NASA ingenuity


Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of bird-strike to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Britons sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo:

"Thaw the chicken."


Speed Bumps


There are little details of life that we tend to just take for granted. Little things that don’t quite fit who we are, but we accept them because “that’s the way it has always been.” And not just gay people. Like, do you have to check the “divorced” box on medical or legal forms for your entire life if you never remarry? When are you considered single again? What exactly is the length of time you are stuck with a label which carries such societal taboos?


DE-MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS