Sunday, April 29, 2007
In case you haven't seen her yet:
USS New York
It was built with 24 tons of scrap steel from the World Trade Center.
It is the fifth in a new class of warship - designed for missions that include special operations against terrorists. It will carry a crew of 360 sailors and 700 combat-ready Marines to be delivered ashore by helicopters and assault craft.
Steel from the World Trade Center was melted down in a foundry in Amite, LA to cast the ship's bow section. When it was poured into the molds on September 9, 2003, "those big rough steelworkers treated it with total reverence," recalled Navy Capt. Kevin Wensing, who was there. "It was a spiritual moment for everybody there."
Junior Chavers, foundry operations manager, said that when the trade center steel first arrived, he touched it with his hand and the "hair on my neck stood up." "It had a big meaning to it for all of us," he said. "They knocked us down. They can't keep us down. We're going to be back."
The ship's motto? "Never Forget"
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.
***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME***
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
***PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days; however,if you live alone, deodorant is just a waste of money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
***DATING (Outside the Family)***
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, "ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
***TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER***
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
Ole is a farmer in Wisconsin who needs a new milk cow. He hears about a nice one for sale over in Saskatchewan, so he drives to Saskatchewan, looks at the cow, and reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised so he looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. But milk comes out, so after some discussion, Ole decides to buy the cow and takes it home.
He calls his neighbor, Sven over and says, "Hey Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat, and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "I bet you bought dis cow in Saskatchewan, yah?"
Ole is very surprised and says, "Yah,dat's right. But how did you know?"
Sven says, "My wife is from Saskatchewan.
YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to it, whiffs it; and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet. She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fu#king lessons I took this winter didn't help."
One of the men immediately replies, "Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead."
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms. "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?
"No!" Donald quacked, "I'm Not THAT Kind of Duck!"
ON NO, IT’S MORON TIME
Tech support: "Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"
--from a call to a computer tech-support line
ON MALES WHO PROBABLY WON’T BE INVITED TO ADDRESS A NOW CONVENTION
"One area of liberal phenomenon I support is female bisexuality—this apparent increased willingness of girls to bring along a friend. That’s a pretty good thing....[Women] want to be listened to, protected and amused. And they want to be spanked vigorously every once in a while...."
--political pundit Tucker Carlson
ON ISN’T THAT KIND OF HARD?
"When cosmetic surgery turns fatal, here’s what to ask your doctor first."
--news tease on KABC-7, Los Angeles
ON WHY DO WE THINK ASHLEY & NEPHEWS MIGHT NOT BE BUYING AS MUCH ADVERTISING SPACE?
"Due to a typographical error in last week’s issue, the words “Con-Men” appeared on the border of an Ashley & Nephews advertisement. “Con-Men” was the headline of a story that was not used because of lack of space and has absolutely nothing to do with and is in no way connected with Ashley & Nephews."
--from the Enfield (England) Independent
Be sure & cancel your credit cards before you die. ( now, that's a hard one to figure out.) Dates are out as this would have happened a while ago. I checked Snopes.com and found that while this is probably a real incident, the actual conversation may not be 100% accurate:
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to Citibank:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."
Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Citibank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . the part about her being dead?"
Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"
Supervisor gets on the phone.
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Citibank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)
After they get the fax ...
Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Citibank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
What fun it is dealing with "customer service."
There are no scorpions in Arizona.
About 35 types of scorpions live in Arizona, roughly five of which can be found in Phoenix, most notably the great hairy scorpion. Though Phoenix residents sometimes come across them on city streets, the best place to see them is at the Phoenix Zoo. Scorpions can also be found hiding under rocks in the Arizona desert.
Yes! That IS a Scorpion!
Subway “token sucking” was once a problem in New York City.
In a scam officially referred to as “theft of Metropolitan Transit Authority property,” token “suckers” would jam token slots by stuffing them with cardboard, and then hide and wait for someone to drop in a token. The coin would get stuck, and the person would leave for another turnstile. The “sucker” would then place his or her mouth on the slot and suck the token out. Token sucking was very widespread during the 1980s, when the city estimated that $75 a day was lost. Today it’s no longer a problem, since most New Yorkers use swipe-able MetroCards.
Amelia Bloomer invented bloomers.
Amelia Bloomer wore bloomers, but she simply lent her name to the fashion. Born Amelia Jenks in 1818, she married a Quaker newspaper editor named Dexter Bloomer and started her own newspaper for women, The Lily. She became active in the campaign for women’s rights and was vocal about bloomers, which were an early form of pants that were worn underneath skirts. It was Bloomer’s association with the pants that earned them their nickname, though they were also called “Turkish trousers.”
Australia’s Aboriginals are the only ancient people who used boomerangs.
Ancient Egyptians and American Indians also used the V-shaped sticks. Some reports suggest boomerangs originated in what is now Poland, thousands of years before the Aboriginals used them. Ancient people used boomerangs for hunting animals, and the Aboriginals used them especially to hunt kangaroo. Boomerangs were also decorated with ritualistic symbols and were featured in tribal dances. In some places, they are still used for hunting and make a fun sport.
fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife -
she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer,
then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over -
women like that are hard to find."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed.
We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I taste all that's Possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should.
But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good.
This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet.
There are too many books I haven't read. There are more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead.
There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes.
I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face.
I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace.
I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast.
I want un-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most.
I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again.
So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having; only add some more whipped cream!"
This is my gift to you - We need an annual Friends Day! If you get this twice, then you have more than one friend. Live well, love much & laugh often - Be happy.
Remember that while money talks, CHOCOLATE SINGS
Friday, April 27, 2007
Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river. The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river. The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm..
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming; your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"
Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, then tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more f#cking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
WASHINGTON, April 23 — To settle a lawsuit, the Department of Veterans Affairs has agreed to add the Wiccan pentacle to a list of approved religious symbols that it will engrave on veterans’ headstones.
The settlement, which was reached on Friday, was announced on Monday by Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, which represented the plaintiffs in the case.
Though it has many forms, Wicca is a type of pre-Christian belief that reveres nature and its cycles. Its symbol is the pentacle, a five-pointed star, inside a circle.
Until now, the Veterans Affairs department had approved 38 symbols to indicate the faith of deceased service members on memorials. It normally takes a few months for a petition by a faith group to win the department’s approval, but the effort on behalf of the Wiccan symbol took about 10 years and a lawsuit, said Richard B. Katskee, assistant legal director for Americans United.
The group attributed the delay to religious discrimination. Many Americans do not consider Wicca a religion, or hold the mistaken belief that Wiccans are devil worshipers.
“The Wiccan families we represented were in no way asking for special treatment,” the Rev. Barry W. Lynn, executive director of Americans United, said at a news conference Monday. “They wanted precisely the same treatment that dozens of other religions already had received from the department, an acknowledgment that their spiritual beliefs were on par with those of everyone else.”
A Veterans Affairs spokesman, Matt Burns, confirmed that the “V.A. will be adding the pentacle to its list of approved emblems of belief that will be engraved on government-provided markers.”
Thursday, April 26, 2007
According to the 1975 orientation film in the Sri Lanka Video, the Valenzetti Equation "predicts the exact number of years and months until humanity extinguishes itself." In it, Alvar Hanso also states that the radio transmitter on the Island, will "broadcast the core numerical values of the Valenzetti Equation." The numbers, 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42, are explained in the Sri Lanka Video, as the numerical values to the core environmental and human factors of the Valenzetti Equation. Alvar Hanso also states in the video that the purpose of the DHARMA Initiative is to change the numerical values of any one of the core factors in the equation in order to give humanity a chance to survive. However, Thomas Mittelwerk reveals that as of 2006, they have failed to change the values through manipulating the environment, as the equation continues to arrive at the same six numbers. It is unknown how or if the most recent calculation of the equation is automatically reflected in the radio transmissions.
Rachel Blake also learned that the Hanso Foundation was forcing savants at the Vik Institute in Iceland to run the equation over and over. Somehow, five hieroglyphic symbols were involved in the calculations (Armand Zander described them as "representative"), the same hieroglyphs seen on the countdown timer in the Swan station.
The Blast Door Map included a reference to the equation; a zone on the island is marked as being of "low relevance to Valenzetti-related research activity".
An article was posted at Wikipedia about The Valenzetti Equation and Enzo Valenzetti and was subsequently cited by Speaker as "VERY accurate", indicating it is a legitimate part of the LOST Experience.
This was the part about the Valenzetti Equation:
Though shrouded in mystery, this much is known about the Valenzetti Equation: it is a mathematical calculation designed to predict nothing less than the exact number of years left before the extinction of the human race. Although little is known about the circumstances leading to the creation of the equation, mystery novelist Gary Troup put forward an interesting theory in his sole non-fiction book "The Valenzetti Equation"
(a fair-to-middling tome which owes as much to popular conspiracy fiction as it does to higher mathematics).
According to Troup - whose research is primarily based on interviews with "UN members" willing to break their non-disclosure agreements, and recently declassified Soviet files - the equation was the end result of a study commissioned by the United Nations following the Cuban Missile Crisis. With their respective nations having just faced the very precipice of mutually-assured destruction, the United States and Soviet Union - under the auspices of the Security Council - secretly sought Valenzetti out as a disinterested third party and charged him with the creation of an infallible mathematical algorithm for the prediction of Armageddon.
Less than a year later, Valenzetti returned with his eponymous equation - which, reportedly, is not unlike the Drake Equation (sometimes mistakenly referred to as the "Sagan Equation"), but far greater in complexity. Because of the conditions of secrecy under which Valenzetti produced his work, the totality of the equation has never been brought to light, nor has his final tally for the number of years left before the human race extinguishes itself with nuclear fire. Compounding the mystery is Valenzetti's steadfast refusal to discuss his work (he is best known for allegedly torching his proof of Fermat's last theorem after it was verified by a group of colleagues). Valenzetti’s mysterious death and Gary Troup's disappearance (and presumed death) on Oceanic Airlines flight 815, which was lost over the pacific on September 2004.
A real life Valenzetti equation exists; like the Valenzetti equation, it is a mathematical prediction of when the human race will go extinct, but unlike the Valenzetti equation, it is a probabilistic estimate, is quite simple mathematically, and is not at all mysterious. The Doomsday argument (DA) is a probabilistic argument that claims to predict the future lifetime of the human race given only an estimate of the total number of humans born so far.
*From LOSTpedia, the free encyclopedia
They worked at their jobs!
They shopped for groceries!
They even went to the movies!
THE HOMOSEXUAL LIFESTYLE!
SEE...them do their laundry!
HEAR...them order from the local take-out!
FEEL...your spine tingle as they watch TV!
Rated PG (Please Get over it)
BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily
2. Catholic air conditioning 3. Your receipt for attending Mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower
MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel and stand
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman
USHERS: The only people in the Parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
A study of people taking antipsychotic drugs for treatment of schizophrenia reveals that diminished sexual function is an unwanted side effect. So the Wizard hit the streets again, asking, "What do you think?"
"Where can I get some of those drugs? I'm sick of sex."
"My God. That means virtually everyone on Craigslist is off their meds."
"That's it, no more medication for me. I sure hope I get laid a lot in the lucid moments from my nightmarish paranoid delusions and horrifying hallucinations."
*American Voices, The Onion
To see the answer, 'Hover' over the picture
HOW MANY DO YOU KNOW?
Who Are They?
Don't hover over the pictures until you give it a try.
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'