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Monday, November 27, 2006

Late-Night Jokes About the Gay Marriage Controversy


"Big vote in the Senate yesterday. They voted down the gay marriage ban. ... It was a very close vote. 43 voted 'yea.' 44 voted 'nay.' And 3 voted 'fabulous.'" --David Letterman

"The constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage was defeated in the Senate. Did you see the gay people celebrating in West Hollywood? They were tipping over Volvos, spraying each other with Evian, looting the Pottery Barn. It was unbelievable." --Jay Leno

"The Senate has rejected the gay marriage ban. When you think about it, do you really want Congress defining marriage? That's like asking Charlie Sheen to define monogamy." --Jay Leno

"The anti-gay marriage amendment: The president endorsed it. The Senate discussed it. I'm pretty sure Jerry Falwell masturbated to it." --Jon Stewart

"The Senate did not pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. President Bush was behind this thing. The president opposes gay marriage, but not because he wants to deny people who are in love the opportunity to get married like everyone else ... because he just wants to make sure that gay guys are allowed to have sex with as many gay guys as possible" --Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage. He says he wants to put both Al Qaeda and IKEA out of business. ... Apparently, it's a pretty strict ruling, too. Under this constitutional amendment, gays would not be allowed to marry unless one of the parties was Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"Even though President Bush is pushing for this gay marriage amendment, Vice President Dick Cheney doesn't think the federal government should be involved. Cheney said the government shouldn't prevent men who are obviously in love with each other from having a relationship. For example, let's say an oil company wants to get in bed with the leader of the Republican Party -- they should be allowed." --Jay Leno

On Bush supporting a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage in the 2004 election: "Ah, a constitutional process to ban gay marriage? And yet that was the only time he mentioned it until now. It's as though marriage in our country is only threatened during even numbered years. It's the cultural version of raising the terror alert. All I can say is, as election day gets closer, I would not be surprised to see a large suicide c*ck threatening Manhattan." --Jon Stewart

"The Senate is considering a constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage. The amendment is expected to fall a few votes short because Senators Orrin Hatch and Trent Lott are antiquing in Vermont." --Conan O'Brien

"As you know, President Bush is calling for a constitutional amendment against gay marriage, or as President Bush calls it, 'Leave That Fellas Behind.'" --Jay Leno

"Do we need a constitutional amendment? Is that the most important issue facing the country today -- gay marriage? We were off last week, so apparently, we must have caught bin Laden." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting about this whole thing? According to polls, 51 percent of Americans do not approve of gay marriage, but 70 percent of Americans do not approve of President Bush. So gay marriage is actually more popular than he is." --Jay Leno

"Do you notice gay marriage didn't become a big Republican priority until all their members started going to prison?" --Jay Leno

"A Senate committee on Thursday approved a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriage, apparently forgetting that our forefathers wore wigs and satin Capri pants." --Tina Fey

"Congratulations gay people -- you are about to discover the joys of alimony." --Craig Ferguson, on a California judge's ruling legalizing gay marriage

Bush: America needs to conduct this debate on immigration in a reasoned and respectful tone... We cannot build a unified country by inciting people to anger or playing on anyone's fears.
Jon Stewart: "That's what terrorism and gay people are for."

"Recently, the highest court in South Africa handed down a decision ordering the country s parliament to extend marriage rights to all gay couples. So just to reiterate, American is now less progressive than South Africa." --Jon Stewart

"The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno


TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


The farthest underground that any living thing—an antlike insect—has been found is 2,000 feet.





FALSE! The record for underground living goes to a species of chemolithotrophic bacteria, found in basalt deposits 4,700 feet underground in solid volcanic rock. Scientists in search of oil discovered it while analyzing drill core samples.

chemolithotrophic bacteria

Ask The Wizard (Pop-Ups)


The Wunnerfull Wizard of 'OZ'

Dear Wizard of 'OZ',

Recently I keep getting pop-ups saying my computer is affected by a virus. I click on the pop-up and nothing seems to happen, sometimes, it takes me to another webpage, trying to sell me something. How do I know if they are real?


Signed,

Popped Out

Dear Popped

Those annoying popup windows with a warning that your computer is about to shutdown, or that you just got a virus are not always true.

Well, unless you have a Norton anti-virus detector or some other device, and the warning is from the company, you are the victim of a hoax..

Probably the first thing you should notice about a warning is the request to "send this to everyone you know" or some variant of that statement. This should raise a red flag that the warning is probably a hoax. No real warning message from a credible source will tell you to send this to everyone you know.

Next, look at what makes a successful hoax. There are two known factors that make a successful hoax, they are:

(1) technical sounding language.
(2) credibility by association.


If the warning uses the proper technical jargon, most individuals, including technologically savvy individuals, tend to believe the warning is real. For example, the Good Times hoax says that "...if the program is not stopped, the computer's processor will be placed in an nth-complexity infinite binary loop which can severely damage the processor...". The first time you read this, it sounds like it might be something real. With a little research, you find that there is no such thing as an nth-complexity infinite binary loop and that processors are designed to run loops for weeks at a time without damage.

When we say credibility by association we are referring to who sent the warning. If the janitor at a large technological organization sends a warning to someone outside of that organization, people on the outside tend to believe the warning because the company should know about those things. Even though the person sending the warning may not have a clue what he is talking about, the prestige of the company backs the warning, making it appear real. If a manager at the company sends the warning, the message is doubly backed by the company's and the manager's reputations.

Both of these items make it very difficult to claim a warning is a hoax so you must do your homework to see if the claims are real and if the person sending out the warning is a real person and is someone who would know what they are talking about. You do need to be a little careful verifying the person as the apparent author may be a real person who has nothing to do with the hoax. If thousands of people start sending them mail asking if the message is real, that essentially constitutes an unintentional denial of service attack on that person. Check the person's web site or the person's company web site to see if the hoax has been responded to there.

Yrs,

The Wizard

Tribute To Canada


This is a good read - funny how it took someone in England to put it into words...

Sunday Telegraph Article From UK wires: Salute to a brave and modest nation by Kevin Myers, The Sunday Telegraph

LONDON - Until the deaths last week of four Canadian soldiers accidentally killed by a U.S. warplane in Afghanistan, probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops were deployed in the region. And as always, Canada will now bury its dead, just as the rest of the world as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.

It seems that Canada's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored. Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.


That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States, and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts. For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.


Yet its purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.


Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, its unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular Memory as somehow or other the work of the "British." The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone. Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth-largest air force in the world.

The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time. Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of ourse, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.

So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British. It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers.

Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces. Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular on-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia, in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan? Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac, Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun.

It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This week, four more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.

*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

As I Mature


As You Mature
*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Euro-English


The EU Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English":



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.



The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.



If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.


*Thanks, Pam

If ya can't poke fun at yerself....


Saskatchewan Roughriders


NEWS HEADLINE!

Rider Practice suspended....


Saskatchewan Roughrider football practice was delayed on Wednesday for nearly two hours at Taylor Field. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room, happened to look down and noticed a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Head coach Danny Barrett immediately suspended practice while he RCMP were called in to investigate. After a complete field analysis, the RCMP determined that the white substance, unknown to the players, was the goal line.

Practice was resumed when the RCMP decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.......

Q. What do you call a ROUGHRIDER with a GREY CUP ring?
A. A thief.

Q. How many SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS does it take to win a GREY CUP?
A. Nobody knows and we may never find out!

Q. What do the SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS and Billy Graham have in common?
A. They both can make 27,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ"!

Q. How do you keep a SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDER out of your yard?
A. Put up goal posts.

Q. Where do you go in REGINA in case of a tornado?
A. TAYLOR FIELD - they never get a touchdown there!

Q. What do you call 47 people sitting around a TV watching the GREY CUP?
A. The SASKATCHEWAN ROUGHRIDERS

Thanks Riders for a great season!


*Thanks, Auntie 'M'

Newfie flat screen


Newfie flat screen
Newfie flat screen

I think it looks good!

*Thanks, Daryn!

Think before you speak!


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

SECOND TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

THIRD TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FOURTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. I then realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

FIFTH TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?


*Thanks, Daryn!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Not everyone speaks English!


Below is a pie chart of the language breakdown of those visiting 'OZ'... English is about 2/3...

OZ Visitors broken down via language

Cool, eh? Keep in mind, these are OS languages... the english includes those in foreign lands that have English versions of Windows, Linux etc...

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....


1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor..
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk? (LOVE this one!!)
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to start speaking?
19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
25. How is it possible to have a civil war?
26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
34. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

*Thanks, Andy

KNOW YOUR MATH


I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so.


*Thanks, Andy

Scientology Challenge


The following does not represent the views of The Wizard and is just posted to get some conversation going....

The image you see to the right (Click on it to get a larger view) is the first page of what is supposedly the most important document in the world. At least according to Scientologists. Scientology DocumentThe going rate for reaching the level of idiocy in the church to be able to view this document (and the 20 other pages that follow it) is close to 300,000$. It is said in their doctrine that simply by viewing this page, you might not be able to handle it and could possibly die. If anyone does happen to have their head explode because the knowledge contained within these chicken scratchings was just too much for their feeble mind, I take full responsibility.

This image will probably only be up for as long as it takes for the scientologists to find it and contact our developers over the copyright they hold on this document, even though it is not hosted by us. Something like this will probably get me a spot on their blacklist. By their own leader’s writings, they are known and obligated to attack those who do not agree with them.

This is an excerpt from a secret scientology document released in 1969: “It is wise to challenge such adverse commentators as routine procedures. A call by a local "housewives committee", etc. as to why they are hostile to human rights or in favor of psychiatric butchery and getting them in the press with it and with no mention of us is good PRO.”

I doubt Mr. Hubbard knew who he would be fu*king with when he wrote that. I am Zero; Tom Cruise, fu*k off. Try me. Bring it. Do your best to discredit me and make me disappear. It won’t happen. My readers don’t give two sh*ts about you or your stupid religion. They feel the same way as I do about your cockamamie, bullshit story that you have tried to pass off as a religion for the past 50 years.

As a matter of fact, I wonder how they would like a taste of their own medicine. That’s right, I wonder how they would like the dirty tactics they use on otherwise respectable journalists who try to expose their bullshit used on them? Email floods maybe? DD0s attacks? Maybe just a bunch of us showing up at their stupid churches and kicking some ass?

That’s all illegal, and I could never advocate illegal activities. I have a better idea. I herby challenge Tom Cruise to a boxing match. Yes Tom, I am saying I can kick your ass and I don’t need three rounds to do it in. You will be begging for the towel by the middle of round one. We’re about the same size, same weight and all that, it will be totally fair. If Tom beats me, I will never write again. Come on tom, unless of course you are a pussy…

Of course, I am just an insignificant internet writer. The people who read my work aren’t the kind who has tons of extra dough. They are like me, just normal people trying to make it in this f*cked up world. Why would someone like Tom Cruise care what we think about him? Why would he give two sh*ts about what a hack like me has to say?

First of all because him and his cronies are a violent religion. I count them worse than the Muslims or the Christians. Plus, he has the advantage. He has the money to buy the best training in the world. All I have is some guys I know that run a fight club every Monday at a bar here in Denver. Also, I smoke like a god damn locomotive. The Vegas odds makers will definitely have Tom in two. He is mission impossible, the last time I had a fight I was drunk two years ago.

He has the clear advantage. He supposedly has “god-like” powers from reaching the highest level of scientology. It would prove that his religion is right if he could devastate me with one punch. Little does he know, pirates don’t go down so easily. It didn’t have to be me, it could be any random dude on this site. But since I am the self proclaimed leader, I will fight the wars I declare on the front lines.

So, why would he agree to something like this? Because I am representative of the millions (and millions) of people who are not only dissing his stupid religion but also downloading his stupid movies for free. I stand at the front of the people he hates. Besides, I’m mocking his religion. I’m calling them all pansies!

As an under card, any of his fellow douchebags that want a piece can take on one of the random pirate ninjas that frequent this site. We will sweep the matches and prove that their god-like powers are crap used to sell t-shirts. Mr. Womp, our resident kicker of asses, has officially issued his own challenge for this editorial to John Travolta.

We declared war a while ago, now we have issued a challenge and await a response. A non response is the same as a victory for us. If we don’t get some kind of an answer in the next week, we will consider them yellow.


*ShoutWire.com

Computer Acronyms


PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defective Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
PENTIUM: Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Mathematics
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
AMIGA: A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
LISP: Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
GIRO: Garbage In Rubbish Out
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers


World's biggest rubber band ball


A US man has made the world's biggest rubber band ball.

World's biggest rubber band ball
Steve Milton, of Eugene, Oregon, created the ball out of more than 175,000 rubber bands.

Guinness accepted it as a record breaker after it tipped the scales at 4,594lbs at a Chicago weigh-in.

The mammoth ball, which has a circumference of 19ft, broke the former record set by John Bain, whose ball weighed in at 3,120lbs.

The 26-year-old started his ball in November 2005 with just a few small rubberbands.

"It was just a great project with me and my kids," said Mr Milton, who worked on the ball with his six-year-old son, Bryce Milton, and his fiancee's son, Austin Johnson, 7.

"We did a little bit of research on how big rubber band balls are, and realised there was one out there that was 3,120 pounds and we knew we could do it."


*Ananova

Big bum contest banned


Officials in Brazil's biggest city took legal action to ban a contest to find the schoolboy or girl with the biggest bum.

A court in Sao Paul declared the Biggest Ass in School competition, promoted by Mix Radio in schools across the city, illegal.

The radio station had invited pupils to take pictures of their classmates' - and even teachers' - backsides, reports Terras Noticias Populares.

The pictures were to be sent in to the station with a cash prize going to the sender of the picture of the biggest bum.

But a judge banned the competition - and threatened to take Mix Radio off the air if it did not stop broadcasting ads for it.

A spokesperson for the Sao Paulo justice department said: "This contest is offensive and violent, we cant tolerate it."


*Ananova

Armed robber, 7, in Lego heist


Police in Florida are looking for a little girl, aged about seven, who tried to steal Lego at knife-point.

The girl pulled a knife on a cashier at a Wal-Mart store in Largo as she tried to walk out with two boxes of Lego.

Police say the girl, aged about seven or eight, hid the toys under her coat and tried to walk out, reports Tampabays10.com.

A store employee approached the child, asking her to turn over the Lego blocks.

Police say the little girl then opened her jacket and pulled out a 10ins carving knife.

The employee talked the girl into putting down the knife and the toys. The girl then rode away on her bicycle.

*Ananova



Lego Bank Robbery Click below:

TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


Gumby was first introduced on the Mickey Mouse Club show in 1956.





FALSE! In 1955, Art Engel of 20th Century Fox approached Art Clokey to do a cartoon in clay. Clokey had already done a claymation cartoon set to jazz music. The character he created, Gumby, debuted on The Howdy Doody Show in 1956. Gumby’s unique head shape was inspired by a photo of Clokey’s father at 18, which showed him sporting a huge cowlick.

Evil Gumby and Pokey

Say What?


To my darling husband,



Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.



I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.



I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart.



I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.



Your loving wife.

XXX





Picture follows....







OOPS!
*Thanks, Andy!

Lena Highway - Russia


Lena Highway - Powerpoint

Click Above.

If you need the PowerPoint Reader, Click here.


*Thanks, Vlad!

Brendan Fraser


Hunky Brendan Fraser - Click here.

Click Above.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Deck The Halls


Starring: Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick, Kristin Chenoweth, Kristin Davis, Alia Shawkat


Deck The Halls
Buy this and other great posters from MovieGoods.com®


Synopsis: This holiday comedy is centered around two neighbors in a small New England town who go to war when one of them decides to decorate his house with a so many Christmas lights that they are visible from space. The neighborhood is turned upside down as the families try to discover the true meaning of Christmas.

Review: Nearly every year about this time we get a holiday comedy in which characters celebrate the season as poorly as possible for 95% of the movie. Then an epiphany arrives in a nick of time to remind everyone how to correctly celebrate the spirit of Christmas. Let's call this the Dysfunctional Christmas Comedy.

"Deck the Halls" manages to cross the Dysfunctional Christmas Comedy with the Bad Neighbor Movie: Two alpha males (Matthew Broderick, Danny DeVito) living across the street from each other turn Christmas into a contest that trashes any and all yuletide traditions.

This high-concept/scant-laughs comedy, directed with slapdash energy by John Whitesell ("Big Momma's House 2"), should enjoy very modest good cheer in its theatrical release. Not nearly naughty enough to compare to the hilariously dark "Bad Santa" yet lacking the warmth and sentiment of the Christmas classics that jam the airwaves these days, "Deck the Halls" muddles along with rote characters and unimaginative gags that will amuse very few.

--more--


*Review by Kirk Honeycutt, Hollywood Reporter



Click here to visit ToonTownReviews for many more movies!

The Love Doctor


The Love Doctor Dear Love Doctor,

What makes one person constantly horny and someone else bored with the whole thing?

Signed,

Sexed Up


Dear Sexed,

Scientists say they've now discovered the answer to your sex drive, and that is proportional to the size of a part of your brain.

Australian researchers from the University of Melbourne believe the size of the amygdala, a miniature "emotion" center that is nestled at the base of the brain may determine how much sex a person wants, reports Nature News Service.

As small as an almond, the amygdala has long been known to process our reactions to fear.

Previous studies have shown, for example, that the amygdala is stimulated by erotic movies, and it's considered vital for mating behavior in many animals.

The Australian team, led by David Reutens, scanned the brains of 45 patients who had chronic epilepsy, which is known to short-circuit sex drive.

Nature News notes that as part of the treatment for epilepsy, each had undergone surgery to remove part of his or her brain, which freed up the remaining areas to run more normally.

Those patients who had the greatest amount of amygdala left intact after the surgery also had the greatest sex drives. Reutens suggests this means the amygdala boosts the likelihood of a sexual trigger that leads to arousal.


The Love Doctor


*Chuck Winston, 365Gay.com

TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


Truffle hunters in Europe use wild boars to sniff out truffles.





FALSE! Truffle hunters generally employ a well-trained dog (and sometimes a pig) to help find these delectable fungi. Truffles are difficult to find—even with the help of an animal—and very expensive as a result: They sell for between $350 and $500 per pound.

Truffles
Truffle Hunter

For Sale


Brittannica for sale
*Thanks, Daryn!

THE GOOD SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS


A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.... It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought... Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business...."

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door...

This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.


*Thanks, Andy

Joke of the Day


Joke of the Day - Click here

Click Above.

Brain Cramps


Brain Cramps - Click here

Click Above.

Yup!


What our office needs
*Thanks, Daryn

This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!


Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!

Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. You won't believe this when you see it, this is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.

This could have caused a major in-flight problem!

I sent this to a friend in aircraft certification to see what action the FAA could take on this problem..

Click here.


*Thanks, Andy

Marriage In Your Nineties!


Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 90, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to use this store as our "Bridal Registry."


*Thanks, Andy

Friday, November 24, 2006

TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


Inventors Adolphe Sax and Alexander Graham Bell collaborated to create the saxophone.





FALSE! Belgian instrument maker Adolphe Sax did invent the saxophone in 1840. Alexander Graham Bell was alive at the same time (he invented the telephone in 1876), but Sax and Bell are not known to have collaborated. Though Sax’s invention is primarily heard these days in rock and jazz settings, the saxophone was first used by symphony orchestras as early as 1844, and composers such as Debussy, Berlioz, Strauss, and Bizet created serious classical compositions for it.


Adolphe Sax

Cinderella update


Cinderella is now 95 years old.

Cinderella

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.


Fairy Godmother


Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:



"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
"Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied,
"It is the least that I can do.
What do y ou want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
"I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."


Cinderella


At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
"You have one more wish; what shall it be?"


Mice


Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."


Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
"Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.


Eyes


Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."

Kitty Prince

*Thanks, Allen

Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present


Paranoid Optimist Thinks Everyone Is Out To Get Him A Present
*The Onion

Interesting Editorial Article


"Buzz" Thomas, a Baptist minister wrote the following editorial in USA TODAY warning Christians that they may lose their credibility over misguided interpretations of Leviticus and the Bible. In his opinion, too many Americans take the bible at face value instead of interpreting the word of God. It's refreshing to read a rational voice (especially coming from the Baptist church) regarding homosexuals in society. This is a great read-I urge everyone to take a moment to reflect on this editorial and pass it along!

Galileo was persecuted for revealing what we now know to be the truth regarding Earth's place in our solar system. Today, the issue is homosexuality, and the persecution is not of one man but of millions. Will Christian leaders once again be on the wrong side of history?

When religion loses its credibility
By Oliver "Buzz" Thomas

What if Christian leaders are wrong about homosexuality? I suppose, much as a newspaper maintains its credibility by setting the record straight, church leaders would need to do the same:

Correction: Despite what you might have read, heard or been taught throughout your churchgoing life, homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth and is not to be condemned by God's followers.

Based on a few recent headlines, we won't be seeing that admission anytime soon.

When religion loses its credibility(Illustration by Adrienne Lewis, USA TODAY)

Last week, U.S. Roman Catholic bishops took the position that homosexual attractions are "disordered" and that gays should live closeted lives of chastity. At the same time, North Carolina's Baptist State Convention was preparing to investigate churches that are too gay-friendly. Even the more liberal Presbyterian Church (USA) had been planning to put a minister on trial for conducting a marriage ceremony for two women before the charges were dismissed on a technicality. All this brings me back to the question: What if we're wrong?

Religion's only real commodity, after all, is its moral authority. Lose that, and we lose our credibility. Lose credibility, and we might as well close up shop.

It's happened to Christianity before, most famously when we dug in our heels over Galileo's challenge to the biblical view that the Earth, rather than the sun, was at the center of our solar system. You know the story. Galileo was persecuted for what turned out to be incontrovertibly true. For many, especially in the scientific community, Christianity never recovered.

This time, Christianity is in danger of squandering its moral authority by continuing its pattern of discrimination against gays and lesbians in the face of mounting scientific evidence that sexual orientation has little or nothing to do with choice. To the contrary, whether sexual orientation arises as a result of the mother's hormones or the child's brain structure or DNA, it is almost certainly an accident of birth. The point is this: Without choice, there can be no moral culpability.

Answer in Scriptures

So, why are so many church leaders (not to mention Orthodox Jewish and Muslim leaders) persisting in their view that homosexuality is wrong despite a growing stream of scientific evidence that is likely to become a torrent in the coming years? The answer is found in Leviticus 18. "You shall not lie with a man as with a woman; it is an abomination."

As a former "the Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it" kind of guy, I am sympathetic with any Christian who accepts the Bible at face value. But here's the catch. Leviticus is filled with laws imposing the death penalty for everything from eating catfish to sassing your parents. If you accept one as the absolute, unequivocal word of God, you must accept them all.

For many of gay America's loudest critics, the results are unthinkable. First, no more football. At least not without gloves. Handling a pig skin is an abomination. Second, no more Saturday games even if you can get a new ball. Violating the Sabbath is a capital offense according to Leviticus. For the over-40 crowd, approaching the altar of God with a defect in your sight is taboo, but you'll have plenty of company because those menstruating or with disabilities are also barred.

The truth is that mainstream religion has moved beyond animal sacrifice, slavery and the host of primitive rituals described in Leviticus centuries ago. Selectively hanging onto these ancient proscriptions for gays and lesbians exclusively is unfair according to anybody's standard of ethics. We lawyers call it "selective enforcement," and in civil affairs it's illegal.

A better reading of Scripture starts with the book of Genesis and the grand pronouncement about the world God created and all those who dwelled in it. "And, the Lord saw that it was good." If God created us and if everything he created is good, how can a gay person be guilty of being anything more than what God created him or her to be?

Turning to the New Testament, the writings of the Apostle Paul at first lend credence to the notion that homosexuality is a sin, until you consider that Paul most likely is referring to the Roman practice of pederasty, a form of pedophilia common in the ancient world. Successful older men often took boys into their homes as concubines, lovers or sexual slaves. Today, such sexual exploitation of minors is no longer tolerated. The point is that the sort of long-term, committed, same-sex relationships that are being debated today are not addressed in the New Testament. It distorts the biblical witness to apply verses written in one historical context (i.e. sexual exploitation of children) to contemporary situations between two monogamous partners of the same sex. Sexual promiscuity is condemned by the Bible whether it's between gays or straights. Sexual fidelity is not.

What would Jesus do?

For those who have lingering doubts, dust off your Bibles and take a few hours to reacquaint yourself with the teachings of Jesus. You won't find a single reference to homosexuality. There are teachings on money, lust, revenge, divorce, fasting and a thousand other subjects, but there is nothing on homosexuality. Strange, don't you think, if being gay were such a moral threat?

On the other hand, Jesus spent a lot of time talking about how we should treat others. First, he made clear it is not our role to judge. It is God's. ("Judge not lest you be judged." Matthew 7:1) And, second, he commanded us to love other people as we love ourselves.

So, I ask you. Would you want to be discriminated against? Would you want to lose your job, housing or benefits because of something over which you had no control? Better yet, would you like it if society told you that you couldn't visit your lifelong partner in the hospital or file a claim on his behalf if he were murdered?

The suffering that gay and lesbian people have endured at the hands of religion is incalculable, but they can look expectantly to the future for vindication. Scientific facts, after all, are a stubborn thing. Even our religious beliefs must finally yield to them as the church in its battle with Galileo ultimately realized. But for religion, the future might be ominous. Watching the growing conflict between medical science and religion over homosexuality is like watching a train wreck from a distance. You can see it coming for miles and sense the inevitable conclusion, but you're powerless to stop it. The more church leaders dig in their heels, the worse it's likely to be.

Oliver "Buzz" Thomas is a Baptist minister and author of an upcoming book, 10 Things Your Minister Wants to Tell You (But Can't Because He Needs the Job).



Comments
Mr. Thomas,

Not sure were to begin. First, all Scripture is inspired by God (2 Tim 3:16). Homosexuality is condemned by Scripture (Lev, Romans 1;18-32, 1 Cor 6:9-11). I could go on but the problem I think you have is unbelief. Jesus came to save sinners (homosexuals, liars, adulterers, gossips, etc..) Telling a homosexual he/she is ok is to keep them enslaved in their sin. Jesus came to set the captives free. I don't hate homosexuals. I want them to be free. Only the Gospel can set them free. I'm not sure what you're a minister of. I hope you are a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Tell people what they need to hear, not what they want to hear. Speak the truth in love.

Chris M. (Texas)

Finally! Someone has actually read the entire bible and made an attempt to understand it. Anything can be proved by someone who wants to, if they are selective in the verses/portions of the bible that they quote, but living with tolerance and actually following the teaching of Jesus is much more difficult. It is also much less likely to gain you media attention.

Posted by: Jan from NC

I would like to see the evidence for your statement, "homosexuality is, in fact, determined at birth..." There are many studies suggesting that there are biological differences between gays and nongays, however, none of those studies proves your statement. If, for example, a gay man had a difference in a particular brain region, then all gay men would have that difference and all nongays would be missing that difference. Unless you know differently, none of the scientific studies prove conclusively that there is a biological determining factor. I do agree with you that the those who call themselves Christians needs to remember to "love your neighbor as yourself."

Posted by: Randy-MN

Sodom and Gomorrah??? And you are a Baptist Preacher?? Shame on You. What would Jesus do? He's already done it (Death, burial and resurrection) "Grace"! God's Word is the same yesterday, today and forever. Choice is everyone's decision: Heaven or Hell. This is the reason no one fear's God, is pastors like you that is suppose to be preaching the Truth, are tickling the ears with what the people want to hear. All of us will stand before the Lord's judgement; you and me included.......Now do your JOB! Their house is on fire....Tell them to come to the Lord for salvation. Talk about discrimination are you discriminating against GOD??? God won't let you starve, if He Called you to the ministry? Have a good day.

Posted by: Clair O'Connell

In spite of what you try to "prove" and your smear tactics against good Christian people, Bible-believing Christians will NEVER accept your lies and propaganda for a sinful lifstyle which God Himself in the Bible condemns. Homosexulality is sin and no one is born with it. Your hatred of the church only reflects your own bias. I you want to promote this perversion you have a right to do so, but don't condemn others who choose to believe the Bible instead of your lies and distortion!

Posted by: Michael Davenport

This is one of the best opinion written concerning the ongoing pronunciation that homosexuality is a sin by the religious community.

Thank you Buzz for the ethical analysis, not from a religious perspective, but from a human spiritual view.

Nature will go on without the permission of human rules of religion. Nature is trustful because it continues without human control. Religion is nothing more than man-made organizations with all their human frailties which blinds them of getting what Jesus got!!

Serenity is in the power of balancing your spirit

Posted by: Carol A. Nickell

As a homosexual, I think it's safe to say that I know a thing or two on whether or not I choose to be gay or I was born this way. Most individuals that are quick to condemn homosexuality and homosexuals have probably not spent much time talking to homosexuals. It's humorous how these individuals claim to have expertise on homosexuality. Based on my experience, I know that I have not chosen to be gay. I, like so many others, made every attempt to lead a heterosexual lifestyle. Despite all of my efforts, I just couldn't lie to myself about who I really was. As a gay man, I happen to know lots of other gay men and lesbians. Most of us share very similar stories. I know homosexuals from all different family situations, socio-economic backgrounds, races, ethnicities, and nationalities. What we all share in common is that not one of us woke up one morning and decided to be homosexual. I truly believe that in time, history will once again paint a very dark picture of religion's near universal condemnation of homosexuality and the political leaders that chose to exploit this condemnation. Future religious believers will be asking themselves why religion would not accept that the world was round, why religion was used to justify slavery, why religion was used to ban interracial relationships, and why the world's religions condemned homosexuals and homosexuality.

Posted by: Enrique

What do you think? Make a comment!

*USATODAY

In Honor Of Stupid People Everywhere.....


In Honor Of Stupid People Everywhere.....

Click Above.

*Thanks Daryn

Court says Israel must register same-sex marriages


The ruling, which affects those wed abroad, reignites a debate over gay rights. By Ken Ellingwood, Times Staff Writer

Court says Israel must register same-sex marriagesJERUSALEM — The Israeli Supreme Court touched off a fresh controversy over gay rights last Tuesday 27th November when it ordered the government to register same-sex marriages performed abroad.

The ruling by a seven-judge panel, though limited in scope, reignited a debate over the rights of homosexuals in Israel after ultra-Orthodox religious leaders led protests that resulted in the cancellation of a gay pride parade this month in Jerusalem.

The 6-1 decision was praised by rights advocates as a political advance for gays and lesbians, who have won previous court decisions granting them broader rights in survivor benefits and inheritance. It also was cheered by those who support legalizing civil marriages in Israel, where only religious ceremonies are allowed.

"I am glad we won and got what we wanted to achieve in this petition, which was the basic right to be registered as married by the Israeli Ministry of Interior, just as any couple marrying abroad does and takes it for granted," Joseph Bar Lev, a 39-year-old dance instructor who was one of the petitioners, told Israel Radio.

"At the same time, this is still the beginning of the road, because the real aspiration is that civil marriage will be possible in Israel too."

The ruling did not legalize same-sex weddings in Israel, where religious authorities by law hold a monopoly on authorizing marriages and divorces.

"We hope that one day any couple who wants to marry in Israel, whether homosexual or heterosexual, will be able to do it," said Yoav Loeff, spokesman for the Assn. for Civil Rights in Israel, which represented two of the five gay couples in the case.

The male couples had wed in Canada, but when they returned to Israel, the Interior Ministry refused to change their marital status from single to married.

The ministry said same-sex marriages were not legally valid in Israel and could not be listed in the government's registry. In its ruling Tuesday, the court ordered the government to register same-sex marriages that are legal abroad.

Activists said that being registered as married could help gay spouses assert the right to decide about medical care for their partners and make it easier for a spouse to gain Israeli citizenship.

Religious conservatives criticized the decision as an erosion of Israel's status as a Jewish state and said it undermined moral teachings.

Some conservatives urged the Israeli parliament, or Knesset, to examine the possible effect on Israeli society.

"This ruling is nothing short of idolatry," Zevulun Orlev, a Knesset member from the National Religious Party, said on Israel's Channel 10 television. "Only 10 days ago we read the weekly Torah portion about Sodom and Gomorrah. How exactly does this ruling reconcile with Israel being a Jewish state? What culture considers people of the same sex to be a family? Not the Jewish one."

Ultra-Orthodox Jewish religious leaders, joined by some Muslim and Christian clerics, protested the gay pride parade as an affront to Jerusalem's sacred standing. For days, protesters rioted, set fires in the streets and vowed to block the gathering.

In the end, parade organizers agreed to hold their rally in a stadium after police expressed concern about their ability to protect marchers. The event proceeded peacefully with a large police presence.

Secular Israelis have long complained about the broad authority wielded by the country's leading Orthodox rabbis. Many couples travel overseas to marry in civil ceremonies, a practice that has spawned a matrimonial cottage industry in the nearby island nation of Cyprus.

The issue of civil marriage is important among emigres from the former Soviet Union, many of whom are not Jewish or can't prove their heritage to the satisfaction of rabbinical authorities in Israel. Several candidates in national elections last spring promised Russian voters that they would try to make it easier for them to marry in Israel, though no reforms have been passed.

The lawyers in the same-sex marriage case cited as a precedent a Supreme Court decision from the 1960s that ordered the government to register civil marriages performed abroad, Loeff said.

Religious liberals said the ruling could help them cut into the clout held by rabbinical leaders in matters of marriage and divorce, as well as in conversions to Judaism.

Members of conservative and reform strains of Judaism have sought for years to have non-Orthodox conversions recognized by Israel's top rabbis.

Although the groups have made inroads in getting official recognition for non-Orthodox conversions done abroad, they are awaiting a court ruling on similar recognition for conversions carried out in Israel.

"The Supreme Court of Israel is the grand hope all liberal Jews have" to check the power of the Orthodox leaders, said Anat Hoffman, a former member of the Jerusalem City Council who directs the Israel Religious Action Center, which advocates religious pluralism in Israel.

Hoffman campaigned in support of the gay pride parade, and said she was appalled by the tone of the protests by religious leaders from all three major faiths.

She said the court's ruling simply recognized the legality of same-sex marriages granted by countries that allowed them.

"If the Canadians recognize these people as a family," Hoffman said, "we can't turn around and say that Israel, as a member of the family of nations, does not."


*LATimes.com
**Thanks, Daryn

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving To My American Friends!


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What Will Matter


Ready or not,
someday it will all come to an end.


There will be no more sunrises,
no minutes, hours or days.

All the things you collected,
whether treasured or forgotten,
will pass to someone else.


Your wealth,
fame and temporal power
will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned
or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations,
and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans,
and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses
that once seemed so important
will fade away.

It won't matter where you came from,
or on what side of the tracks you lived,
at the end.

It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought,
but what you built;
not what you got,
but what you gave?

What will matter is not your success,
but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned,
but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity,
compassion,
courage or sacrifice that enriched,
empowered or encouraged others
to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence,
but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew,
but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.

What will matter is not your memories,
but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered,
by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.


Author: Michael Josephson


*Michael Josephson’s “What Will Matter” is used with permission of the Josephson Institute of Ethics. ©2006 Michael Josephson, one of the nation's leading ethicists, is the founder of the nonprofit, nonsectarian Josephson Institute of Ethics and the premier youth character education program, CHARACTER COUNTS! For more information or to make a donation, please visit www.charactercounts.org.


Official Member - CHARACTER COUNTS! Coalition

TRUE or FALSE?


True or False?


There are 400 times more germs on an office telephone than on a toilet seat.







TRUE! Dr. Charles Gerba of the University of Arizona tested surfaces in offices and bathrooms and found that while there are 25,127 bacteria per square inch on an office phone receiver, there are only 49 per square inch on a toilet seat.






Tongue on Toilet Seat

Also.... Licking Your Toilet Seat Is Healthier Than Typing On Your Keyboard ... keyboards have 265 times more bacteria on them than a toilet seat...YUM!


Riddle Me This!


What is this?



What is this?
Riddle me this! -Answer. Click here

Click above for the answer.

LIZARD BIRTHING


Geico LizardIf you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you! think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie... Priceless!

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!

*Thanks, Daryn

Light A Million Candles


Light a million Candles

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.

But you can.

With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.

We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support.

We were aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31,2006. We have surpassed this. Let's go for 2 Million!

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They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them to take action.

Please light your candle.

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

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