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Wednesday, March 31, 2004

New Depp film needs 300 naked extras


Johnny Depp's new film needs 300 naked extras.

Men and women over the age of 16 are needed as extras in The Libertine which also stars John Malkovich and Samantha Morton.

Shooting is due to take place on the Isle of Man next month, says the Daily Record.

In the film, Depp plays the Earl of Rochester, the debauched 17th century poet and confidant of King Charles II.

The former Page 3 girl Nina Carter, who runs the casting agency Nina's People, is leading the hunt for the extras.

"We are looking for a wide range of extras, some of whom will have to appear naked in the film. There will be full and part nudity parts required. "We are also looking for people to play in crowd scenes with their clothes on," said Carter.

The production is described as "period piece packed with sexual material."

*Ananova

You Can Be A Poet


And Not Even No-It! Go to: WriteExpress Online Rhyming Dictionary.

Try Something New And Fun!

Build a city! Click here

Build a city! Click here.

Potential vs. Reality


A kid comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you've learned."

The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?"

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell your father, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?"

His sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"

The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we're living with two whores."

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Next Generation Mobile Phones


Want to know what new mobile phones will be out later this year? Part one of the report focuses on the "S"s -- Samsung, Sony, and Siemens, while part two runs from LG to Nokia (with Motorola and Kyocera in between). Don't miss the pictures and descriptions of Siemen's amazing prototypes, along with megapixel phones, new smartphones, flips, and more.

New Phones Due from Samsung, Siemens.


New Phones Due from Motorola, Nokia, LG and more.

Quoth the Twain-Man...


All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
--Samuel Clemens (1835 - 1910), Letter to Mrs Foote, Dec. 2, 1887

Gellar wanted to kick ass in Kill Bill


Sarah Michelle Gellar says her ambition is to appear in a martial arts movie.

Sarah with the rest of the cast of Scooby-Doo 2 - Monster's Unleashed

The Buffy and Scooby Doo star says she would have loved a role in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill.

The 26-year-old also says she'll make the move to theatre one day. She said: "I would absolutely love to tread the boards in London. That's something I will do. Maybe not this year, but it's on the horizon, definitely."

Gellar admits she's still coming to terms with the end of Buffy. "Every day I ask myself did I do the right thing? There are so many things I miss about the show. I can go to the gym every day and do all the physical action stuff, but I miss it for so many other reasons."

Cinema fans can see her in Scooby Doo Too: Monsters Unleashed. The sequel meant she got to work with husband Freddie Prinze Jr. "There was no making out. What people don't realise is that when we go to work we're actors and when we go home, we're a couple, " she said.

The movie sees the monster hunting gang of Mystery Inc lose their cool when they're confronted with a masked villain wreaking mayhem.

For Gellar, who plays purple-loving Daphne, it was another chance to do what she loves best - kick some serious butt.

The star is an expert in gymnastics, sword-fighting and Tae Kwon Do and says her ambition is to appear in a martial arts movie. "My favourite is a Korean movie called Hero, which has horseback fighting and fight scenes on water. It's just amazing."

*Ananova

IM spam to triple in 2004: study


Spam sent via instant messaging (IM) is set to become a major nuisance in 2004, with the number of IM spam messages tripling from 400 million to 1.2 billion, according to research firm the Radicati Group. Read more.

Security product flaws attract attackers


The software vulnerability exploited last week by the Witty worm is only the latest in a growing list of flaws being discovered in the very products users invest in to safeguard their systems.

"This is a new realm of risk that users must confront: the security of security (products)," said Andrew Plato, president of Anitian Enterprise Security, a systems integration and consulting firm in Beaverton, Ore.

The Witty worm, which was reported to have damaged 15,000 to 20,000 computers worldwide, took advantage of a flaw involving the BlackIce and RealSecure intrusion-prevention products from Atlanta-based Internet Security Systems Inc. (ISS). The worm wrote random data onto the hard disks of vulnerable systems, causing the drives to fail and making it impossible for users to start up the systems.

The flaw was the result of a buffer-overflow condition in a function used to detect peer-to-peer traffic, said Chris Rouland, director of the X-Force security team at ISS.

Just a few weeks earlier, a vulnerability caused by an unchecked buffer was discovered in a firewall from Zone Labs Inc. in San Francisco. Fred Felman, vice-president of marketing at Zone Labs, said his company also responded quickly, so no exploits were reported. Zone Labs follows "stringent" processes for product quality, Felman added.

Similarly, a critical vulnerability was discovered in an Internet security product from Symantec Corp. that would have let attackers gain remote access to a compromised system. Overall, security vendors average about four critical vulnerabilities each year, according to statistics from ISS.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Peter Ustinov dead


Nearly 20 years ago, on October 31, 1984, he was waiting to interview India's prime minister Indira Gandhi when he heard shots ring out across the lawn at 1, Safdarjung Lane.

Peter Ustinov, Oscar-winning actor, writer and humanitarian, knew instantly that something had gone awfully wrong.

Last night, Ustinov himself passed into the ages at his Swiss home.

Ustinov, best known in India perhaps for his portrayal of the mad Roman monarch in the Biblical epic Quo Vadis, would have turned 83 on April 16. (Wizard's note; Most people seem to die near their birthdays... hmmmm.) He won two Best Supporting Oscars -- for Spartacus and Topkapi.

The colourful British thespian -- who often said he had every strain of European blood in him but English -- was also a fine writer (check out his fine memoir Dear Me) and a long-time ambassador for good causes, notably the UNICEF.

Click here for more details.

Dortmund crowds aghast in Ladies Free Program event of World Figure Skating Championships 2004 when GoldenPalace.com emblazoned streaker strikes for


skating gold ...

Streaking skater at World's


DORTMUND, Germany, March 27 /PRNewswire/ -- Dortmund crowds who had gathered to watch the Ladies Free Program earlier today were shocked, stunned ... and in fits of laughter, as a torso tattooed, comically and scantily dressed figure suddenly appeared from nowhere, leaping onto the ice rink and performing a 'Free Dance' of his very own in front of American Skating Champion, Michelle Kwan.

Spectators were clearly surprised. "I'd seen this before, during the Super Bowl I think, but I really didn't expect it here. I guess that's the point..." said one Skating fan who'd traveled all the way from the US to watch the Championships. "This guy in a gold tutu, ski goggles and no shirt just appeared out of nowhere and started skating around, trying to do some spins, just goofing off, you know? He could skate, but he sure couldn't dance (laughs). Michelle Kwan didn't seem to want to be distracted; at least he got a smile out of her! I thought it was pretty funny, seeing him flopping around like a circus clown. He had the whole place laughing for the longest time because security just couldn't catch him."

Everybody Have Fun Tonight

Everybody Feng Shui Tonight
Click above to check out how.

Use your 'Back Button' to return to 'OZ'

Right Now

True...True...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer! Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.


Quote Of The Day


Quote of the day

Riddle


Schwarzenegger has a big one -
Michael J. Fox has a small one -
Madonna doesn't have one -
The Pope has one but doesn't use his -
Clinton uses his all the time -
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one -
Liberace never used his on women -
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his -
Cher claims that she took on 3 -
We never saw Lucy use Desi's -
What is it?


Click here to find out.


Sunday, March 28, 2004

Cool Site 'O The Day

I can't remember meeting anyone who did not like to pop those little bubbles in bubble wrap. Now you can squish away to your heart's content by clicking here.

Search using Google without opening your browser (discontinued)


Google Deskbar enables you to search with Google from any application without lifting your fingers from the keyboard. Installs easily in your Windows taskbar.

GOOGLE Deskbar

Key Features:
  • Search using Google, even when your browser isn't running

  • Preview search results in a small inset window that closes automatically

  • Access Google from any application by typing Ctrl+Alt+G

  • Use keyboard shortcuts for multiple Google searches, i.e., Google News (Ctrl+N),Google Images (Ctrl+I), or Froogle (Ctrl+F)

    It is discontinued
  • The Nicotine Patch

    Did you hear about the gay guy taking a piss....

    He looked at the other guy to his right and saw a nicotine patch on his dick.

    He asked "does it work"?

    Yep, replied the guy, I'm down to two butts a day.

    Romanian villagers decry police investigation into vampire slaying


    By MATTHEW SCHOFIELD

    Knight Ridder Newspapers


    MAROTINU DE SUS, Romania - Before Toma Petre's relatives pulled his body from the grave, ripped out his heart, burned it to ashes, mixed it with water and drank it, he hadn't been in the news much.

    That's often the way here with vampires. Quiet lives, active deaths.

    Villagers here aren't up in arms about the undead - they're pretty common - but they are outraged that the police are involved in a simple vampire slaying. After all, vampire slaying is an accepted, though hidden, bit of national heritage, even if illegal.

    "What did we do?" pleaded Flora Marinescu, Petre's sister and the wife of the man accused of re-killing him. "If they're right, he was already dead. If we're right, we killed a vampire and saved three lives. ... Is that so wrong?"

    Yes, according to the Romanian State Police. Its view, expressed by Constantin Ghindeano, the chief agent for the region, is that vampires aren't real, and dead bodies in graves aren't to be dug out and killed again, even by relatives.

    He doesn't really have much more to say on this case, other than noting that Petre had been removed from his grave, his heart had been cut out and it was presumed to have been consumed by his relatives. Ghindeano added that police were expanding the investigation, which began in mid-January, to include the after-deaths of others in area.

    "The investigation is ongoing, and we expect to file charges later," he said, referring to possible charges of disturbing the peace of the dead, which could carry a three-year jail term. "We are determining whether this was an isolated case or whether there is a pattern in the village."

    Romania has been filled with news of the vampire-slaying investigation, and villagers admit there's a pattern, but they argue that that's the reason these matters shouldn't make it to court. There's too much of it going on, and too few complain about the practice.

    Vampire slaying is a custom that's been passed down from mother to daughter, father to son, for generations beyond memory, not just in this tiny village of 300 huts astride a dirt cart path about 100 miles southwest of Bucharest, but in scores of villages throughout southern Romania.

    Little has changed since the days that Turkish invaders rolled through 500 years ago, seeking the mineral riches of Transylvania just to the north. By day, the people are Roman Catholics. At night, they fear the strigoi, or vampires.

    On a recent afternoon, the village's single store, which also serves as its lone bar, was filled with men drinking hard, as they explained the vampire facts to a stranger. Most had at least one vampire in their family histories, and many were related to vampire victims. Most had learned to kill a vampire while still children.

    Theirs is not a Hollywood tale, and they laugh at Hollywood conventions: that vampires can be warded off by crosses or cloves of garlic, or that they can't be seen in mirrors. Utter nonsense. Vampires were once Catholics, were they not? And if a vampire can be seen, the mirror can see him. And why would you wear garlic around your neck? Are you adding taste?

    No, vampires are humans who have died, commonly babies before baptism or people unfortunate enough to have black cats jump over their coffins. Vampires occur everywhere, but in busy cities no one notices, the men said.

    Vampires are obvious when dug up because while they will have been laid to rest on their backs, arms folded neatly across their chests, they will be found on their sides or even their stomachs. They will not have decomposed. Beards will have continued to grow. Their arms will be at their sides, as if they are clawing out of their coffins. And they will have blood - sometimes dried, sometimes fresh - around their mouths.

    Marotinu de Sus Cemetary, Romania
    The cemetery in Marotinu de Sus, Romania. Villagers here are not up in arms about the undead-they're pretty common-but the fact that the police are involved. Bogdon Croitoru / KRT


    But the biggest tip-off that a vampire is near is his or her family, for vampires always prey on their families. If family members fall ill after a death, odds are a vampire is draining their blood at night, looking for company.

    "That's the problem with vampires," said Doru Morinescu, a 30-year-old shepherd who, like many in the village, has a family connection to the current case. "They'd be all right if you could set them after your enemies. But they only kill loved ones. I can understand why, but they have to be stopped."

    Ion Balasa, 64, explained that there are two ways to stop a vampire, but only one after he or she has risen to feed.

    "Before the burial, you can insert a long sewing needle, just into the bellybutton," he said. "That will stop them from becoming a vampire."

    But once they've become vampires, all that's left is to dig them up, use a curved haying sickle to remove the heart, burn the heart to ashes on an iron plate, then have the ill relatives drink the ashes mixed with water.

    "The heart of a vampire, while you burn it, will squeak like a mouse and try to escape," Balasa said. "It's best to take a wooden stake and pin it to the pan, so it won't get away."

    Which is exactly what happened with Petre, according to Gheorghe Marinescu, a cheery, aging vampire slayer who was Petre's brother-in-law.

    Marinescu's story goes like this: After Petre died, Marinescu's son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter fell ill. Marinescu knew the cause was his dead brother-in-law. So he had to go out to the cemetery.

    The first time, he was frightened, so he had a little graveside drink, for courage. He ended up with a little too much courage and couldn't use the shovel. So the next night he returned, and with a proper amount of courage, was successful.

    Marinescu said he found Petre on his side, his mouth bloody. His heart squeaked and jumped as it was burned. When it was mixed with water and taken to those who were sick, it worked.

    His wife, Petre's sister, interrupted his story with a broom, swinging it at him and a stranger. She was worried that he would incur the wrath of the police, who would jail him.

    But then his son Costel called what happened next a miracle. After weeks in bed, Costel got up to walk. His head wasn't pounding. His chest wasn't aching. His stomach felt fine.

    "We were all saved," he said. "We had been saved from a vampire."

    But how could he be sure his illness came from a vampire?

    "What other explanation is possible?" he asked.

    Saturday, March 27, 2004

    Everything's BIG in Texas!

    Man, they grow 'em big in Texas!
    Man, That's one FAT gopher!

    Straight story


    Single girl tests her eye for queer guys on Fox series
    By KEVIN WILLIAMSON -- Calgary Sun

    What's easier to spot than a homosexual? A crappy new reality-TV show.

    (The Wizard agrees and gives it , or am I the only one that thinks that this is bad news, I mean, prentending to be in the closet for $1M, seems downright bad thing to do. Why would any self respecting homosexual want to capitalize on the whole coming out process... I just dunno! Oh, and just so's ya know, I resent the first line that Mr. Williamson wrote. He is guilty of stereotyping homosexuals. I bet he can't tell a fag from a str8 guy..not all of us wear leather, walk and talk effeminitely!)

    That's apparently the message to be gleaned from Playing It Straight, yet another in the numbing, endless viral strain of Bachelor/Bachelorette knockoffs that have beset television viewers like so many several thousand Biblical locusts (or maybe it only feels like several thousand) in recent weeks. The depressing, inevitable network pitch probably went something like: "It's Average Joe meets Queer Eye for the Straight Guy!"

    From the fine folks at Fox, Playing It Straight -- appearing for the first time, sort of like a rash, tomorrow -- takes a single gal and makes her try to figure out which of her suitors are heterosexual and which ones are just "playing it straight."

    If she hooks up with a straight would-be beau, she gets a $1-million prize.

    If she gives her love to one of the gay competitors, he gets the money. Let the sexually-ambiguous hilarity ensue.

    Or you could read a book and enrich your life. Or you could just wait for The Littlest Groom 2. (Oh, come on -- admit it, you are.) So little time, so many demanding choices.

    Speaking of demands, while some reality-TV series (Fear Factor, for one inane example) demand physical prowess or mental agility (um, still waiting for that reality-TV show), the chief attribute required of Jackie Thomas, a waitress from small-town U.S.A. (in this case, Appleton, Wis.), is "gaydar."

    Thomas, on the phone to the Sun yesterday, admits her gaydar -- the ability to distinguish sexual orientations on instinct alone -- proved somewhat lacking.

    "For me, I'm a very gullable person and everyone was telling me they're straight.

    "I don't have very good gaydar. The guys were surprising me all the time ... It was kind of interesting, the final question is always 'Are you gay or are you straight?' and I was very shocked with some of the guys."

    Of course, if she wasn't, there wouldn't be much point to the show. Playing It Straight's producers, naturally, want their leading lady baffled when faced with straight guys who act gay (ordering drinks with umbrellas) and gay men who act straight (playing football). If she could spot one as easily as picking out a toupee in the crowd, there'd be no tension, no surprise and no Playing It Straight 2, 3 and 4 if the network has its way.

    Of course, one of the pleasures -- if you find the humiliation of others pleasurable -- of this kind of show is watching faces drop and tantrums explode as the producers nastily yank the rug out from under their unwitting and witless participants.

    (Average Joe: Hawaii's Larissa Meek, for example, threw a spectacular hissy-fit when she discovered why the show she was on was called "Average Joe" and not "Sensationally Handsome and Charming Joe.")

    Thomas, however, says she never felt duped or manipulated -- even though at first she didn't know about the gay/straight premise.

    "There were no ambushes," she says, summing up her time on the series, which filmed last summer, as "a fun experience" despite the requisite twists and turns.

    "We had a wonderful time ... What I gained from it is that you can't believe in stereotypes. They don't exist," says Thomas, who is currently contemplating a career in acting.

    And today's reality is, she notes, that gay culture has emerged from the closet and into the mainstream -- whether its the flavour-of-the-month Queer Eye or the long-running Will & Grace.

    "I think it's fantastic that people are talking about it because it used to be that they didn't."

    It also, she feels, elevates her entry into the genre from others of its ilk (you know who they are). "(Those) are about love and money, but this adds a whole other aspect."

    *Note from The Wizard: I think I'll just stay watching Will & Grace.
    Will & Grace
    Click above for the Will & Grace site on NBC.

    Big Yellow Taxi


    A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

    The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

    For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

    The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

    The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's all my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab..... for the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse."

    *Thanks, Vlad.

    News From Bangor, Maine...


    Ever wonder which of his movies Stephen King has been in?

    The Master of Macabre

    Creepshow (Jordy Verrill)

    Pet Sematary (Minister at funeral)

    Sleepwalkers (Cemetery Attendant )

    Golden Years (Bus Driver )

    The Stand (Teddy Weizak)

    The Langoliers (Chairman of the Board)

    Thinner (Pharmacist )

    The Shining (miniseries) (Gage Creed, Band leader)

    Storm of the Century (Sleazy Lawyer in TV Commercial )

    Rose Red (Pizza Delivery Guy )

    Maximum Overdrive (Man at ATM)

    Knight Riders (a film by George Romero)

    RED SKELTON ON MARRIAGE


    Red Skelton1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, then comes good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

    2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Ontario and mine is in Tucson.

    3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

    4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for ourm anniversary.

    "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" She said. So I suggested the kitchen.

    5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

    6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

    7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there is water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me "In the Lake."

    8. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

    9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

    10. Remember. Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

    11. Statistically, 100% of all divorces start with marriage.

    12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

    13. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

    14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!


    Friday, March 26, 2004

    Simplified Customs and Revenue Tax Form


    Get yer return in by April 30th!

    Cool Search Engine


    Try asking Jeeves! Ask Jeeves has bought 2 other search engines and will soon rival Google (My favourite, still!)

    Jeeves likes it when you 'ask' him questions in plain old english. He even can understand poor grammar. (I thought she was in the kitchen, bakin' cookies....)

    Click here.

    Prairie Pride



    Click on the Saskatoon Diversity Network logo to take a queer look at 'ToonTown.

    ©Saskatoon Diversity Network

    Pensioner 'too smelly' for swimming pool


    A swimming pool has banned an elderly customer because they said his body odour was putting off other swimmers.

    The 66-year-old was a three-times-a-week visitor at the De Zeehond baths in the Dutch town of Rozenburg, but always arrived wearing the same shirt and trousers.

    Manager Peter van Vierssem said: "The smell was unbearable.

    "We argued with him about it for a whole year. We asked him to wash his clothes and even sent him letters, but nothing helped."

    The pensioner, who held an annual ticket to the baths, has been banned from the pool for at least a year.

    *Ananova

    Carmen Electra thinks about sex every 20 seconds


    Former Baywatch star Carmen Electra says she thinks about sex every 20 seconds.

    Not a Virgin, I'll bet!

    She also says she used to be addicted to stripping and even made a DVD about aerobic striptease.

    In an interview with Virgin Radio's Ben Jones, she spoke of her love for stripping. "I was addicted to it, so I thought I'd put out a DVD. It's a great way to get into shape."

    Electra will be presenting a show called Virgin Love on the station on Friday March 26th and Saturday March 27th. It'll be broadcast between 10pm and 1am.

    She also said she would rather have a woman strip for her than a man. "There's something about male strippers, it's a little corny for me. Most of my girlfriends would rather have a lapdance by a girl - I just think they're much sexier in that type of situation," she said.

    Electra also lifted the lid on her time in Baywatch and the corny lines she had to deliver. "When I was on Baywatch, I always wanted to make jokes and I always felt that some of the dialogue was really bad, we were just eye candy. And those red swimsuits ride up quite a bit."

    Carmen is currently appearing in Starsky and Hutch opposite Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson.

    *Ananova

    NEWS


    Doubts cast on 'shaken baby' evidence

    New doubts about the accuracy of medical evidence said to point to so-called shaken baby syndrome have been highlighted by researchers.

    Many parents have found themselves accused of abuse on the basis of bleeding and injury found to the child's eyes, which many experts believed showed that they have been violently shaken.

    But a new study, published in the British Medical Journal, said the link between this kind of eye injury and shaken baby syndrome was "not supported by objective scientific evidence".

    The finding was welcomed by campaigners for families fighting to clear their names against allegations of child abuse.

    *Ananova

    The Power of Television

    Two boys walk into the local London Drugs and one of them brings some tampons to the check-out.

    The clerk asks, "Do you know what these are for?

    The boy answers, "Not really."

    The clerk responds, "How old are you?"

    The boy with the tampons said, "I'm eight, but they aren't for me they're for my 4 year old brother."

    The clerk asks, "Why would your brother need these tampons?"

    The eight year old replies, "He said that he saw a commercial on TV and that if he uses these, he will be able to swim and ride a bike."

    Thursday, March 25, 2004

    Basic System Maintenance


    One of the most common questions The Wizard has been asked has been, “Why is my computer so slow?” This has been followed closely by, “What can I do to speed up my computer?”

    The answer can be as varied as the number of computers with the problem. The solutions can range from some simple maintenance to hardware repair/upgrades or even a combination. Here are some common things you can do to improve system performance.

  • Run a thorough scan disk.

    Errors in the files on your hard drive can reduce performance as can a hard drive that is developing physical errors. Scan disk will repair many of the file errors on your hard drive. Running the thorough scan disk will also check the hard drive for physical errors. Remember, depending on the size of your hard drive this can take a lot of time and you cannot do anything else at the same time. The best time to run scan disk is when you do not need to use the computer.

    Maintenance is next to Godliness...

  • Delete temporary files from your hard drive.

    Temporary files are usually the files left over after installing a program and can be safely deleted.


    Maintenance is next to Godliness...

  • Clean your internet browser cache.

    Cache files are those left over from your browsing experience. They mostly consist of images that your browser had to download in order to display on a web page you are viewing. (These are those pictures that you don't want your significant other to find =)

    Maintenance is next to Godliness...

  • Defrag the files on your hard drive.

    Defrag arranges the files on your hard drive so that they can be accessed more efficiently. This has two advantages. One, your system operates more efficiently. Two, your hard drive will last longer because it will not have to work as hard to access files.

    Maintenance is next to Godliness...

  • Perform a virus scan.

    Many viruses use so much of your system’s resources that they will greatly degrade performance. Some will even crash your system completely. Make sure your virus definitions are up to date and run a complete virus scan of your system. This should be done weekly.

    Maintenance is next to Godliness...

  • Check your system for spyware/adware.

    Many websites install spyware/adware on your system without your knowledge. These can be as simple as cookies that track where you surf to actual programs that give others access to your computer. There are many utility programs that you can download to scan for these files.

    Maintenance is next to Godliness...

  • Clean the dust out of your computer.

    It seems too simple but just having a dirty computer can slow it down. If there is an excessive buildup of dust inside your computer, it will cause a heat buildup. This heat buildup will degrade performance as well accelerate wear and tear on the parts inside your computer which can lead to the premature failure of a critical part. Remember to unplug your computer before opening the case. Also, remember to NOT bump any of the internal parts with the vacuum to prevent damage.

    These steps are something that we can all try if our system is running slow. If these do not get the performance of your system back to where you think it should be then a few more things can be tried. Many utility programs will perform deep checks on your system’s registry as well as look for missing shortcuts and even missing Windows files.

    Another possibility is that there are too many programs starting when you turn on your computer. In Windows 98SE or XP (both home and pro) this is easy to check using the msconfig utility. From the ‘run’ command type ‘msconfig’ and hit the enter key. This will bring up the Windows Configuration Utility where you can check what is starting with Windows and it gives you the option of turning off the auto startup of many programs. In other versions of Windows (95, NT, 2000) it would be best to have someone with a good working knowledge of the Windows Registry service your computer.

    If all this fails then you may need to reformat your hard drive or upgrade hardware. Remember too that you always have the option of taking your system in to a qualified service technician. Sometimes spending a little extra money will save you hours and hours of headaches or worse yet, the loss of data.


  • A Saskatchewan Taste Treat!

    We grow 'em BIG here in Saskabush!

    Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers

    Ingredients:
    baker's chocolate
    candied crickets

    Directions:
    Melt baker's chocolate in double boiler.
    Fill molds halfway with chocolate, add grasshoppers, fill rest of the way.

    A tasty surprise in every one!

    Warning - English Joke!


    UK-US Translation Guide:
    "Aussie" = Australian
    "Shag" = To have sex with


    An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off, and for a year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the koala senseless.

    "Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag myself. "

    One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.

    "Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.

    "Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a walk, love, while I shag this koala."

    *Sick and Twisted Jokes

    Are You Up To Snuff?

     Click here to take the test
    Take the Moral Sense test. Click above

    Gay kids need YOUR support


    From the TV series 'queer as folk' on Showcase, Debbie Novotny, (Michael's mom), shows her support for her gay son and his friends. She is a wee bit 'off the wall' and 'way OUT there'! She is not scared by sterotypes and loves Michael and his friends unconditionally. I am not suggesting that every mom, (certainly not my own! ), should feel the need to be so LOUD and PROUD, but I think that your child needs the support of everyone that holds them close. As long as you support your gay kid in your own way. This may mean just listening and accepting your kids for who they are... after all, sexual orientation is but a part of their identity. (Maybe even tune into an episode of 'queer as folk' and get a look-see into some of what your kid may be going through...(be aware that sometimes the show is graphic, it is rated 18+)...

    My mother has been supportive of me and attended PFLAG meetings until she could better understand what her son was going through and what I struggled with my whole life. (Thanks, Mom! =)...

    To read a bit on Sharon Gless, (Novotny), a lesbian herself, Click on the Rainbow Flag.

    Click here to read about Sharon and Debbie.

    Wednesday, March 24, 2004

    Is Your Computer Safe?


    Check the security of your computer and run a free Virus Scan at Symantec, (makers of Norton AntiVirus).

    Click here to test your security!

    Strange Brew


    Witchcraft is growing in popularity but today's pagans are more interested in self-improvement than in casting nefarious spells. Claire Halliday reports.

    Ugly ain't they? NOT!
    Members of the Pagan Alliance conduct secret witches' business at a Coburg home.
    Picture: Shannon Morris

    If you believe statistics, Melbourne is the witch capital of Australia. According to the 2001 census there are 4155 pagans in the metropolitan area — the highest concentration in Australia. Another 1459 lurk mysteriously elsewhere in Victoria.

    Are more people falling under witchcraft's spell? There is no doubt. The number of Australians identifying themselves as either witches or wiccans more than quadrupled in the five years between the last two censuses.

    Pagans in the Pub, Pagan Awareness Network and the Pagan Alliance are just a few Melbourne organisations for those who want to come out of the "broom closet". (Much fewer in Saskatoon,--The Wizard)

    With these strangely bedazzling statistics and groups, the definition of a witch is changing with the times.

    Leonie is proud to announce her witchery but the location of her coven is secret witches' business. "Just say it's in the inner suburbs," she says.

    What goes on there, Leonie, 34, says, is simply a celebration of nature and a rejoicing in the seasons of the sun and moon through chanting, dancing, invocations and laughing. Not a warty nose or a broomstick in sight.

    *focus on weirdness

    Prostitute's Poor Performance Provokes Protest


    A Romanian man lodged an official complaint with consumer protection officials after accusing a prostitute of "not doing her best".

    Adrian Ionut Craciunoiu, from Gorj county, says he paid the street girl in advance but was not satisfied with the services she supplied.

    He told Gazeta de Sud newspaper: "She didn't do her best and even scratched me because she missed some of her teeth.

    "I will go to the legal doctor and ask for a medical bulletin which I'll attach to my cause. I was honest with her and paid my debts but what did I get? Bad services and even lesions."

    A spokesman for the consumer protection authority said it was the strangest complaint they had ever received.

    Ion Tudor, head of the local office in Gorj, said: "This case is a little bit difficult because prostitution is illegal in Romania. But I am going to talk to the police and look for a way to solve it."

    *Ananova
    **Note from The Wizard: Makes me sooo proud to be Romanian =)

    'Sinful things' event includes 1930s vibrator


    A 1930s vibrator designed to "cure" women of their sexuality is part of a new Science Museum event.

    A cure?

    The Sinful Things show lifts the lid on old-fashioned attitudes and medical practices regarding sex and bodily functions.

    Definitley gets rid of histeria!

    The objects - from the London museum's archive - form the centrepiece of an adult-themed discussion and quiz show to be held at its Dana Centre.

    It reveals how the vibrator was invented by male doctors to combat what they perceived as "hysteria" in women.

    The electric device superseded the previous practice of doctors giving genital massage to female patients. It dramatically reduced the time needed for each treatment and could be operated by the relatively unskilled.

    Domestic versions were soon being marketed in women's magazines such as Good Housekeeping, masquerading as muscle relaxant therapy.

    The vibrator on show at the Science Museum was one of the later devices used by doctors just before they began to be marketed for home use.

    Curator David Rooney said: "It looks more like a hairdryer. At the time this was state-of-the-art. This is what people were using.

    "It wasn't shameful at all. Everyone pretty much knew what was going on but because of the way they talked about it, it was all right."

    *Ananova

    **Note from The Wizard: Makes ya just wanna go back in time, eh?

    Vacation...


    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

    The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

    "Yes, Father, 'Tis I."

    "And who was the woman you were with?"

    "I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

    "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell
    me now.

    "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

    "I cannot say."

    "Was it Patricia Kelly?"

    "I'll never tell."

    "Was it Brydie Shannon?"

    "I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

    "Was it Mary Catherine Morgan?"

    "My lips are sealed Father."

    "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"

    "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

    The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy,
    and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend
    church for three months. Be off with you now."

    Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers,
    "What'd you get?"

    Tommy replied, "Three months' vacation and five good leads."

    *Thanks, Auntie 'M'

    Bill's New Dog...


    Let's name her Monica...

    Tuesday, March 23, 2004

    Cool Site 'O The Day


    Actual Government Sketch
    "Where did your remote go? That's right - I got it!

    And I saw your wife naked, too!!!"


    Click here.

    Can you see the difference?

    Why U.S. Navy Seals are better than the ISIS Navy Seals...but don't beat the Canadian Seals...

    U.S. Seals
    ISIS Seals.
    Canadian Seals.

    Click on each to see the best Navy Seals!

    I.Q. Test

    Now don't cheat. After you do the test... THEN click for the answers.
    Bonus points if you don't use a pen on yer screen!


    Click here for the answers.

    100 Bonus points if you did not use a pen to write the answers on your monitor screen!

    Quick Takes


    THE NERVE:

    Did you know that in the human body is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus?

    It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a shitty outlook on life.

    If you don't believe it, pull a hair from your ass, and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

    THE DIFFERENCE:

    What is the difference between a sewing machine and a lady jogging?

    A sewing machine only has one bobbin.


    Inner Peace


    Haha!

    I'm passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me... and at this time of year we all could use a little... calm! By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace...

    The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle of whiskey, a half case of beer, the Bailey's, my Tylenol 3's, some cigarettes and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freakin' good I feel! You may pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace.


    *Thanks, Vlad!

    Monday, March 22, 2004

    ONE BIG DUDE


    A little guy goes into a elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

    The small guy faints away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, gently slapping his face and shaking him, "Are you alright?"

    In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say?"

    The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions almost everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet 3 inches tall, 385 pounds, 12 inch penis, 2 pound left testicle, 2 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

    The little guy then said "thank God, I thought you said turn around". Heehee!


    *Auntie 'M'

    Management Lessons?


    Lesson One

    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you & do nothing?"
    The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Management Lesson?

    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

    Lesson Two

    A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

    Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
    Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

    Management Lesson?

    Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

    Lesson Three

    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen
    bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Management Lesson?

    1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
    3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    This ends your management course for today.

    *Auntie 'M'

    The Wizard is back in 'OZ'!




    Hello fellow readers! Yes it's true! The Wonderful Wizard of 'OZ' is back in the Emerald city! Stay tuned for a trip up the Yellow Brick Road!
    The Wonderful Wizard of 'OZ'