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Monday, December 05, 2016

Things You Didn't Know You Didn't Know...

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

In a study of 200,000 ostriches
over a period of 80 years,
no one reported a single case where
an ostrich buried its head in the sand.

It is physically impossible
for pigs to look up into the sky.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

More than 50% of the people in the world
have never made or received a telephone call.

Horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
is said to be the toughest tongue twister
in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.
If you try to suppress a sneeze,
you can rupture a blood vessel
in your head or neck and die.
If you keep your eyes open by force,
they can pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months,
two rats could have over a million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour
will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

If the government has no knowledge of aliens,
then why does Title 14, Section 1211
of the Code of Federal Regulations,
implemented on July 16, 1969,
make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact
with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?

In every episode of Seinfeld
there is a Superman somewhere.

A duck's quack doesn't echo,
and no one knows why.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Like fingerprints,
everyone's tongue print is different.

Over 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow.

Why Aren't There More Famous Gay Comedians?

Excerpt from The Advocate.com, BY ROBBIE X PIERCE
Photo: Gregory "Greg" Brown. From gays historically trying to be taken seriously to straight men having a stranglehold on mainstream comedy, this video presents several intriguing ideas.
The guys over at AsapThought, the Youtube channel that describes itself as “Science with a social conscience,” posted a new video that thoughtfully explores the idea of whether gay men are funny and why there are arguably no mainstream gay male comedians.

The video looks at several factors from a sociological point of view to account for what it presents as a historical lack. Obviously there are gay male comedians, from David Sedaris to Simon Amstell to Graham Chapman, but video narrator Gregory Brown (who is gay himself) makes the argument that comedy can be a straight-white-boys’ club that gets easy laughs by othering people. He points at the recent movie Sausage Party, which was written and directed by straight male comedians, and talks about how their humor could have been more nuanced had they included more diversity among the writers.

The Christmas Shopping Blues By The Canuck Kevin Westphal


So funny, eh? Fer shure, eh? Murry Chrstmas, eh?

THE 7 DEADLY GAY SINS (AND HOW TO REPENT FOR EACH)

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by Daniel Villarreal
Associate Editor @ UnicornBooty.com

Everyone has heard about the seven deadly sins — lust, sloth, gluttony, etc. — but they’re sooooo medieval and way too much fun to take seriously as “sins.” Instead, we’ve come up with seven modern gay sins that are truly toxic. So join us in these seven circles of hell, but fear not — alongside each sin, we’ve offered a penance to help even the worst sinners work their way into Purgatory.

(NOTE: we’ve used the word “gay” for humor and brevity’s sake — and because gay men came up with this list — but all of these sins easily apply to all queer and non-queer folks; Hell doesn’t discriminate!)

Here they are…

1) BAD LOVEMAKING


Kissing like a piranha, smelling like a porta-potty… there’s a million ways to kill a boner, and in a culture centered on sexual identity, being bad in bed is downright unforgivable.

It’s one thing if you’re inexperienced, nervous or physically incapable. But if you give toothy blowjobs, never reciprocate or have all sorts of neurotic sex-rules, then folks would rather you went celibate than subject anyone else to your bad lovin’.

PENANCE: Improve your bedroom prowess by spending an evening with a skilled sexpert. Many guys would be delighted to teach you how to shag like a pro — just be upfront about what you’re trying to learn, locate a patient guy (perhaps an older dude) and then block out an entire night so you can take your time. And if you’re unwilling to learn, at least think about why you’re willing to let fears kill your sex life.

2) VOTING REPUBLICAN


Supporting anti-LGBTQ politicians is like spitting on the graves of queer activists — it’s offensive to both the dead and the living (and this includes supporting legislators who uphold marriage equality while opposing transgender protections). Yes, 18 percent of LGBTQ people voted Republican in the last election, but if security and economic progress come at the expense of our social standing, they’re not worth it. There are other leaders who can offer us security without throwing our rights or fellow queers under the bus.

PENANCE: Volunteer at your local LGBTQ community center, donate money to progressive politicians or work closely with poor, sick or elderly queers — take time to learn about the issues that affect them and contrast those with the policy stances of conservative, right-wing candidates. You’ll learn a lot.

3) BEING AN “-IST”


Being racist, ageist, classist or ableist isn’t just unsexy and ignorant, it’s downright cruel. While you don’t have to befriend tokens just to prove how woke you are — though you might learn and grow a bit if you did — actively hating others just creates bad blood. Hang out with whoever you like, but the instant you start hating “those people” for being lazy, gross or whatever, you’re the one who’s being lazy and gross.

PENANCE: For two months, volunteer for an organization that serves the community you dislike most. While there, talk with a someone from that community and really listen. Share your experiences on social media, taking time to reflect about anything that surprised you or challenged your beliefs.

4) CATFISHING


In a culture that prizes style over substance and authenticity over perfection, it’s a cardinal sin to mis-represent yourself, especially when tricking or making friends. Considering how many of us have lived in the closet, lying about your true self seems wrong. You don’t have to be 100% transparent or vulnerable all the time, but continually lying puts you into a entirely different closet, full of darkness and shame.

PENANCE: For the next month, confess some of your recent misrepresentations on social media and accompany them with a selfie that best represents your true self. In these posts, share your thoughts about how you see yourself, how you think others see you and any additional insecurities that rise to the surface. Do your best not to self-hate. Rather, take this opportunity to examine why you deceive others about who you are. And if social media feels too revealing, jot these thoughts in a journal and then share them with a close, trusted friend who will give you real-talk about being more authentic.

5) ULTRA-SHADE


Who doesn’t love reading someone to filth for their flaws, especially when they truly suck? But if you negatively criticize anything and everything all the time, it won’t make up for not having a sense of humor or a soul. While your “jokes” may get laughs, non-stop dissatisfaction is a fast track to bitter loneliness. Don’t do it, gurl.

PENANCE: Measure your happiness by how much joy and gratitude you express. Either take the #100HappyDays challenge (where you post positive thoughts on social media for 100 days) or write out a list of things you’re truly grateful for and ways you can express that gratitude without expecting anything in return. Who knows? The fresh air and sunshine just might melt your coal black heart.

6) FLAKINESS


We get it — you’re busy, indecisive, socially anxious or have an addiction (maybe all four!) — but GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. You have people depending on you. Climb out (SIC) of your bed, out of your head and commit to actually doing something rather than fading in and out like a Victorian ghost.

When you constantly flake, you damage other people’s trust and your own reputation, showing a lack of respect to them and you. You also end up missing out on intimate relationships and great memories. Flakes work best for pastries, cereals and snow — not people.

PENANCE: Hang out with a friend who you’ve repeatedly flaked on. During your time together, fess up to your flakiness, ask why they put up with it and ask how you could do better. Write these things down and then hold yourself more accountable.

If you’re a perpetual home-body, force yourself to go out from time to time, even if just by yourself. You’ll gradually conquer your agora- and commitment phobias. And if your neglect extends to basic things like feeding and bathing yourself, please seek professional mental help.

7) EXTREME NARCISSISM


It’s normal to pride yourself and others on certain physical characteristics and accomplishments, but the world is not your own personal meat market or temp agency. Reducing everyone to how well they serve you diminishes their other talents, personalities, or potential.

While viewing others as inferior may inflate your ego, one day someone will see behind your mask and your ugly little flaws will come screaming out, no matter how perfect you think you are.

PENANCE: Go look in a mirror for fifteen minutes and write down any flaws or self-critical thoughts you have. Then ask yourself whether anyone else shares your flaws, what they mean to you and whether they’re horrible personal failings or just common human quirks.

If you’re used to bossing others around and getting your way, go hang with a friend and let them do a majority of the talking and decision-making, doing your best surrender control especially when things don’t go your way. Breathe and consider this article’s advice if you find it especially challenging.

Sunday, December 04, 2016

Santa??

Santa-Plumber

Reindeer Jokes

Reindeer

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station!

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
"Horn"-aments!

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses to the Christmas party?
Because he didn't want to be recognised!

How can Santa's sleigh possibly fly through the air?
You would too if you were pulled by flying reindeer!

What would a reindeer do if it lost its tail?
She'd go to a "re-tail" shop for a new one!

Why is Prancer always wet?
Because he's a "rain"-deer!

Which reindeer has the cleanest antlers?
Comet!

When should you give reindeer milk to a baby?
When its a baby reindeer!

Why does Scrooge love all of the reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him!

Which of Santa's reindeer has bad manners?
"Rude"-olph!

What do you call a reindeer wearing ear muffs?
Anything you want because he can't hear you!

What do reindeer always say before telling you a joke?
This one will "sleigh" you!

How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
He looks at his calen-"deer"!

Where do the reindeer like to stop for lunch?
"Deery" Queen!

What do you give a reindeer with an upset tummy?
"Elk"-a-seltzer!

How do you get into Donner's house?
You ring the "deer"-bell!

What's red and white and gives presents to gazelles?
Santelope!

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb?
Eight! One to screw in the light bulb and seven to hold Rudolph down!

Did Rudolph go to a regular school?
No, he was "elf"-taught!

Why did Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer cross the road?
Because he was tied to a chicken!

What's red and green and guides Santa's sleigh?
Rudolph the red-nosed pickle!

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer also works as a maid?
Yup! Comet cleans sinks!

Why do reindeer wear fur coats?
Because they look silly in snowsuits!

TRUMP’S LATEST TWEET ABOUT THE ELECTION THROWS GAS ON THE FIRE

by Alan Jude Ryland, Secondnexus.com

President-elect Donald Trump made an outrageous and, experts agree, wholly false claim on Twitter yesterday evening that “millions of votes were cast illegally, ironically casting doubt upon the legitimacy of the election he supposedly won.
Election law experts were quick to reject Trump’s claim. “There’s no reason to believe this is true,” said Rick Hasen, a professor of election law at University of California, Irvine. “The level of fraud in US elections is quite low.” In fact, Hasen noted, the number of non-citizens who vote is “quite small–like we’re talking claims in the dozens, we’re not talking voting in the millions, or thousands, or even the hundreds.”

Another expert, David Becker, executive director of the Center for Election Innovation & Research and a former senior trial attorney in the Voting Section of the Dept. of Justice’s Civil Rights Division, also agreed widespread election fraud is unlikely. “We know historically that this almost never happens,” he said. “You’re more likely to get eaten by a shark that simultaneously gets hit by lightning than to find a non-citizen voting.”

According to an advisor who spoke to reporters on condition of anonymity, Trump believes “that the Democratic establishment will try to steal” his victory and wants to hold the party accountable. Another source close to the president-elect said that Trump was angered by Green Party candidate Jill Stein’s calls for a recount in the state of Wisconsin and lashed out.

Stein launched the effort to ensure election integrity based on a report from New York magazine that said a group of prominent computer scientists and election lawyers are urging Hillary Clinton’s campaign to call for a recount of vote totals in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. The scientists said that they’d found persuasive evidence that results in those three states may have been manipulated or hacked and presented their findings to top Clinton aides in a conference all on November 17. The Clinton campaign has since announced it will participate in the recount efforts.

The timing of Trump’s tweet is also suspect––it shifted attention away from an investigative report published in the New York Times the same day exposing the intricacies of his many conflicts of interest around the globe.

The claims of voter fraud appear to have originated from conspiracy website Infowars.com, whose founder, radio host Alex Jones, has received criticism for promoting unsubstantiated, often bizarre conspiracy theories including that the 2012 Sandy Hook Elementary Shooting in Newton, Connecticut, which resulted in the death of 20 children, was a hoax. (Trump spoke to Jones personally days after his election win to thank him for his support.)

If I Could Give You Anything

By Michael Josephson, WhatWillMatter.com
If I Could Give You Anything

If could give you anything, anything at all,

I would give you all the things the poets write about – deep blue skies, pure white clouds, warm sunshine, cool breezes, stunning sunsets, glorious rainbows, and grand waterfalls.

I would give you something to smile about every day.

I would surround you with true friends to share your joys, comfort you through tough times, and bring out the best in you.

I would give you great teachers to fill your mind with wondrous facts, unanswered questions and a love for learning.

I would give you the wisdom to know your heart and the courage to follow it.

I would fill your days with carefree play and meaningful work.

I would give you challenges worthy of your talents and achievements worthy of your pride.

I would fill your heart with gratitude and teach it to forgive.

I would give you genuine self-confidence, fearless enthusiasm, and grand expectations.

I would give you a life filled with hugs, laughter, love, and the wisdom to be happy.

And when you are ready, I would give you a life mate worthy to be your lifelong partner and the father of your children.

And I would give you a daughter as good as you.

Sadly, I don’t have the power to give you all these things.

But I can remind you that you have the power within you to find, make, and keep all the things I wish for you.

Saturday, December 03, 2016

An Inside Look at Computer Hackers....

An Inside Look at Computer Hackers....

"OZ" Trivia

The Wizard of OZ
A -3 parter!

What part of the Tim Man did Dorothy oil first?
What was the name of his farm-hand counterpart?
Who played him in the making of 1939 movie? (TRICK QUESTION!)

The Tinman

Click above for the answer

The Emissary

This is most unique Christmas card I have ever seen -- you click on one of the lighted items and it jumps into another wonderful scene - it goes from page to page and each page is better than the previous page. Click below:

Click here

Click above

Gold Wrapping Paper

Gold Wrapping Paper

The story goes that some time ago a mother punished her 5 year old daughter for wasting a roll of expensive gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and she became even more upset when the child used the gold paper to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree.

Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift box to her mother the next morning and said, "This is for you, Momma."

The mother was embarrassed by her earlier over reaction, but her anger flared again when she opened the box and found it was empty. She spoke to her daughter in a harsh manner. "Don't you know, young lady, when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside the package?"

She had tears in her eyes and said, "Oh, Momma, it's not empty! I blew kisses into it until it was full."

The mother was crushed. She fell on her knees and put her arms around her little girl, and she begged her forgiveness for her thoughtless anger.

An accident took the life of the child only a short time later,and it is told that the mother kept that gold box by her bed for all the years of her life. Whenever she was discouraged or faced difficult problems she would open the box and take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there.

In a very real sense, each of us, as human beings, have been given a Golden box filled with unconditional love and kisses from our children, family, & friends. There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

Friday, December 02, 2016

~Every Day We Say Thanks Up North~

Every day we Say thanks Up north.. at least we don't get hurricanes

And it's TRUE!!!

BRAIN CRAMPS

Heather Whitestone - Miss Alabama (On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.



Mariah Carey "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

--Mariah Carey


Brooke Shields "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"

--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.


Winston Bennett "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.


Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"

--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington , DC .


Hillary Clinton "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.


A congressional candidate in Texas "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"

--A congressional candidate in Texas .


Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark "Half this game is ninety percent mental."

--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark


Al Gore "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

--Al Gore, Vice President


Dan Quayle "I love California . I practically grew up in Phoenix ."

--Dan Quayle


Lee Iacocca "We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca


Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst "The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.


Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor "We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."

--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.


Bill Clinton, President "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President


Al Gore, VP "We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, VP


world "Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas."

--Keppel Enderbery


Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina "Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."

--Department of Social Services, Greenville , South Carolina

26 Beautiful One-liners

1. Give God what's right -- not what's left.

2. Man's way leads to a hopeless end -- God's way leads to an endless hope.

3. A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4. He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5. In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma--but never let him be the period.

6. Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7. Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a face-lift.

8. When praying, don't give God instructions - just report for duty.

9. Don't wait for six strong men to take you to church.

10. We don't change God's message -- His message changes us.

11. The church is prayer-conditioned.

12. When God ordains, He sustains.

13. WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14. Plan ahead -- It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15. Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16. Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.

17. Exercise daily -- walk with the Lord.

18. Never give the devil a ride -- he will always want to drive.

19. Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20. Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21. He who angers you controls you.

22. Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23. Give Satan an inch & he'll be a ruler.

24. Be ye fishers of men -- you catch them & He'll clean them.

25. God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.

26. Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you. (Izzat s'posed to be a good thing?)

Bad Puns - Get your muds wordled!

Cow-a-saki


1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home."

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why," they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who posted twenty different puns to his readers with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.