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Thursday, February 22, 2018

Wacky People Dichotomous Key Lab

Wacky People Dichotomous Key Lab
Instructions on how to use the key:

The purpose of using the key is to name the creature shown. Stick with one character until the name is reached, then go to the next.

• A dichotomous key gives instructions in pairs of statements.
• With each character, start with the first pair of statements.
• Decide which description describes your chosen character best and follow the line to the right.
• There will either be a number or a name. If it is a number, go to the pair of steps with that
number, for example, if the number is 3, go to steps 3a and 3b.
• If the line ends in a name you have identified your character, so write it down by the creature.
• Continue until each creature has a name. There is only one creature per name, and no creature has two names.

Click here for the exercise. Note ANSWERS ON THE LAST PAGE of the PDF. NO CHEATING!

Popcorn !!

popcorn popping

Sullllllllllllaaaaaaaappppppppp!

Robot liar detector

Stupid Is As Stupid Says...

-- ON EXCEPTIONS, PRETTY BIG --

I repeat what I said Saturday: Everything that has been said about me and my colleagues in the party is untrue, except for some things that have been published by some media outlets.

Real Housewives of New Jersey star Spanish prime minister Mariano Rajoy


-- CAN'T ARGUE WITH THAT DEPARTMENT --

Rutland Regional Medical Center President Thomas Hubner says he's optimistic about the future except when he's not.

Rutland (Vermont) Herald


-- ON YEAH, WE BELIEVE IT! --

Caller: Hi, I think someone's using my Internet.

Tech support: Why do you think that?

Caller: I have found a folder full of pornographic pictures on my hard drive.

Tech support: Well, probably someone at your house is saving porn onto your hard drive.

Caller: How dare you imply that! My husband is always on the Internet looking at a fishing website!


actual tech support call

-- ON WHAT DOES OWEN HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THIS? --

TRY A TASTY COOKIE WARMED IN OWEN

readout on a cash register screen
-- ON DEATH, IMPERMANENT --

GENERAL WHO RAN SOUTH VIETNAM BRIEFLY DIES AT 86

headline, Orange County (California) Register

Wednesday, February 21, 2018

Yuk Yuks

Laughter is an instant vacation
The King & The Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn't it?
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.
I finished my coffee and noticed everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
This is what happens when old people start using technology.

CRISIS RUNS IN THE FAMILY

BOBBITT FAMILY UPDATE
IN A RECENT NEWS BROADCAST, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT LORENA BOBBITT'S
SISTER LOUELLA WAS ARRESTED FOR AN ALLEGED ATTEMPT TO PERFORM THE SAME
ACT ON HER HUSBAND AS HER FAMOUS SISTER HAD DONE SEVERAL YEARS AGO .
SOURCES REVEAL THE SISTER WAS NOT AS ACCURATE AS LORENA .
SHE ALLEGEDLY MISSED THE TARGET AND STABBED HER HUSBAND IN THE UPPER
THIGH CAUSING SEVERE MUSCLE AND TENDON DAMAGE . THE HUSBAND IS
REPORTED TO BE IN SERIOUS, BUT STABLE CONDITION, AND LOUELLA HAS BEEN
CHARGED WITH . . . ?

A MISDAWIENER!

Police Officer Test

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer? The answer is found below.

QUESTION: You're a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

ANSWERS:

Canadian Police Officer:
Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.
1) Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?
9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society?
10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?
11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

Australian Police Officer:
BANG !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !
'Click'...Reload...
BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw, Jimmie....! Drop the wee knifie reet this minute noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"

I think that's a yes..

Racoon

"To realize..."

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a bride the day before her wedding.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who has missed a train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.

Treasure every moment you have.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift, that's why it's called the present.

The fairest Layoff Letter ever!

This letter was sent this week to a major employer here in Calgary. I changed the name of the company:

Dear Employees:

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Rachel Notley is our Alberta Premier and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.

But, since we cannot increase our prices right now, due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees, instead. This really has been bothering me, since I believe that we are family here, and I didn't know how to choose who would have to go.

So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found 60 'NDP bumper stickers' on our employees cars and have decided that these folks will be the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this problem.

They voted for change, so I gave it to them.

I'll see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

"How Could You?"

Cute doggie

When I was a puppy I entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. You called me your child and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, I became your best friend. Whenever I was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask "How could you?" - but then you'd relent and roll me over for a bellyrub.

My housetraining took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together. I remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed, listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and I believed that life could not be any more perfect. We went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (I only got the cone because "ice cream is bad for dogs," you said), and I took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

Gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. I waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

She, now your wife, is not a "dog person" - still I welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. I was happy because you were happy. Then the human babies came along and I shared your excitement. I was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and I wanted to mother them, too. Only she and you worried that I might hurt them, and I spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate. Oh, how I wanted to love them, but I became a "prisoner of love."

As they began to grow, I became their friend. They clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears and gave me kisses on my nose. I loved everything about them and their touch - because your touch was now so infrequent - and I would have defended them with my life if need be.

I would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams. Together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway. There had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. These past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. I had gone from being "your dog" to "just a dog," and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

Now you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. You've made the right decision for your "family," but there was a time when I was your only family.

I was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. It smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. You filled out the paperwork and said "I know you will find a good home for her." They shrugged and gave you a pained look. They understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog or cat, even one with "papers." You had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar as he screamed "No, Daddy! Please don't let them take my dog!" And I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life. You gave me a goodbye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. You had a deadline to meet and now I have one, too.

After you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. They shook their heads and asked "How could you?"

They are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. They feed us, of course, but I lost my appetite days ago. At first, whenever anyone passed my pen, I rushed to the front, hoping it was you - that you had changed your mind - that this was all a bad dream...or I hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me. When I realized I could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, I retreated to a far corner and waited.

I heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day and I padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. A blissfully quiet room. She placed me on the table, rubbed my ears and told me not to worry. My heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. The prisoner of love had run out of days. As is my nature, I was more concerned about her. The burden which she bears weighs heavily on her and I know that, the same way I knew your every mood.

She gently placed a tourniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. I licked her hand in the same way I used to comfort you so many years ago. She expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. As I felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, I lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured "How could you?"

Perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said "I'm so sorry." She hugged me and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure I went to a better place, where I wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself - a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place. With my last bit of energy, I tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my "How could you?" was not meant for her. It was you, My Beloved Master, I was thinking of. I will think of you and wait for you forever.

May everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

The End

*© Jim Willis 2001

Here is a picture of Trump with 500 dick pics - Enjoy

Here is a picture of Trump with 500 dick pics
Click on the picture to view the original

I will Survive - Alien version


and

Thriller Animation

What Will We Miss - Vsauce

Monday, February 19, 2018

"The Best Interest of Others"

Mel Gibson
THE THIMBLE

One day when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No." The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

That's their story, and they're sticking to it.

Juvenoia - Vsauce

Ransom Note...

Ransom Note

And you think you are dumb sometimes

Are you stupid?
Some days I think I'm so dumb and then I get an email like this. The worst part is that most of these people make way, way more money than I do or ever will.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part ofyour life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal antismoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,"
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
--John Wayne.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, ex Vice President.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle.

“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another."
--George Bush, US President.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca.

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,"
--Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,"
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President.

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
--Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

...Feeling smarter yet?

Sunday, February 18, 2018

The perfect Man and Woman

click here
CLICK HERE

P.S. Not politically correct....requires flash

The KISS Kasket®

The KISS Kasket and Gene Simmons

Dateline 2001-2008 - Fans have been eagerly waiting and now the KISS Kasket is available for purchase! The price is $4500.00 (unsigned) and $5000.00 (signed).

The "KISS® Kasket" celebrates the legendary band, who HAVE SOLD OVER 80 MILLION ALBUMS, BROKEN EVERY BOX OFFICE RECORD WORLDWIDE AND STAND BEHIND THE BEATLES IN THE NUMBER OF GOLD RECORDS BY ANY GROUP IN HISTORY.

The "KISS® Kasket" is completely covered with a specially laminated photomural that features the KISS® logo and the images of the band members. The words "KISS® Forever" are imprinted on the side of the casket. In addition, "KISS® Kasket" can also be used as a Giant KISS® Cooler, enabling fans and their friends to enjoy ice-cold sodas and beer served directly from the ice-filled, completely waterproof "KISS® Kasket."

The "KISS® Kasket" used to be be available exclusively on the official KISS® website www.kissonline.com, for more information call 877-278-2275. (Maybe you can get them to re-list it, in case you are 'dying' to get one!)

"This is the ultimate KISS® collectible, " said Gene Simmons. "I love livin', but this makes the alternative look pretty damn good."

Read More About it at Wikipedia
No longer offered for sale - but really was offerred between 2001 and 2008. For more KISS - visit the official site: www.kissonline.com/

--Wizard's note: Umm, okaaayy...my sister's waste of an ex boyfriend bought one of these!

Bowling For Cats - not just for Halloween!

Bowling for cats! Requires flash

Bowling for cats! Click here to play
Click above to play - The Wizard scored 117 cats. Record your score! Put your scores in the comments!!

Riddle Me This!

What is this?


What is this?
Riddle me this! -Answer. Click here

Click above for the answer.

Saturday, February 17, 2018

Enough is enough

From a concerned Canadian. How can you keep protecting the second amendment over the well-being of your children? This is something I don't understand. I know that not selling assault rifles alone will not stop all the violence it will do a lot to lessen the amount of killing one can do in a short period of time. At least ban all automatics and semi automatics. No one needs those to hunt for food. They are used for one purpose. Killing people. In this case, your children. If your child is killed by one of these weapons, will you still proudly carry on about rights to have them? Will you bring it to the funeral? The funeral of your child, killed by one of these guns? #Enough
#Enough

Mama and her Bible

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said "I had a big house built for Mama".

The second said "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house "

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."


The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway"

Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

Almost All Are True

True or False
Three of these four things really happened. Are you cynical enough to figure out the made-up story?

(a) A judge in California told juror-candidates that if they were embarrassed to admit that they couldn't be fair, just to make up another excuse, and he'd let them go.

(b) Australia's tax agency signed up as a sponsor of this year's awards pageant for the country's pornography and prostitution industry.

(c) The insurer Lloyd's of London wrote a policy on a male model that would pay off if accident or illness caused him to lose 85 percent of his chest hair.

(d) A court in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, approved the forcible implanting of a radio frequency identification tag in the arms of a man's two wives so he can monitor their whereabouts.


Answer to Almost All Are True: (a), (b), and (c) are true.

Kinderen voor Kinderen song - Two Fathers

Now Tell me what I want to know! And Tell me NOW!

Now Tell me what I want to know! And Tell me NOW!