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Sunday, March 18, 2018

The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family

The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - Simpsons
The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - The Brady Bunch
The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - Family Guy
The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - Full House
The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - King of the Hill
The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - Married... with children
The cost of living like your favourite sitcom family - Rugrats

The Don Key Diet

The Best Diet Ever!!! Just had to share this. A friend of mine is a nurse and talked to me about the Atkins Diet, Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, and the latest of course, The South Beach Diet. Seems the major priority people want to accomplish this year (2005) is to lose weight. Since she is a nurse, she has done a lot of study and research on dieting. I TRULY think she has found the real answer to weight loss, the Don Key Diet.

And it is so SIMPLE, I don't know why, I wasn't smart enough to figure this out for myself !!!

Click here for more information.

"Without the nightmares, there would be no dreams."

Journey Through The  Universe - National Geographic Space Discovery Documentary 2017 Watch full screen for best results!

A Story and a Half

You will need a Kleenex but a must read...

In September 1960, I woke up one morning with six hungry babies and just 75 cents in my pocket.

Their father was gone.

The boys ranged from three months to seven years; their sister was two.

Their Dad had never been much more than a presence they feared.

Whenever they heard his tires crunch on the gravel driveway they would scramble to hide under their beds.

He did manage to leave $15 a week to buy groceries.

Now that he had decided to leave, there would be no more beatings, but no food either.

If there was a welfare system in effect in southern Indiana at that time, I certainly knew nothing about it.

I scrubbed the kids until they looked brand new and then put on my best homemade dress, loaded them into the rusty old 51 Chevy and drove off to find a job.

The seven of us went to every factory, store and restaurant in our small town.

No luck.

The kids stayed crammed into the car and tried to be quiet while I tried to convince who ever would listen that I was willing to learn or do anything. I had to have a job.

Still no luck. The last place we went to, just a few miles out of town, was an old Root Beer Barrel drive-in that had been converted to a truck stop.

It was called the Big Wheel.

An old lady named Granny owned the place and she peeked out of the window from time to time at all those kids.

She needed someone on the graveyard shift, 11 at night until seven in the morning.

She paid 65 cents an hour, and I could start that night.

I raced home and called the teenager down the street that baby-sat for people.

I bargained with her to come and sleep on my sofa for a dollar a night.

She could arrive with her pajamas on and the kids would already be asleep

This seemed like a good arrangement to her, so we made a deal.

That night when the little ones and I knelt to say our prayers, we all thanked God for finding Mommy a job. And so I started at the Big Wheel.

When I got home in the mornings I woke the baby-sitter up and sent her home with one dollar of my tip money-- fully half of what I averaged every night.

As the weeks went by, heating bills added a strain to my meager wage.

The tires on the old Chevy had the consistency of penny balloons and began to leak. I had to fill them with air on the way to work and again every morning before I could go home.

One bleak fall morning, I dragged myself to the car to go home and found four tires in the back seat. New tires!

There was no note, no nothing, just those beautiful brand new tires.

Had angels taken up residence in Indiana ? I wondered.

I made a deal with the local service station.

In exchange for his mounting the new tires, I would clean up his office.

I remember it took me a lot longer to scrub his floor than it did for him to do the tires.

I was now working six nights instead of five and it still wasn't enough.

Christmas was coming and I knew there would be no money for toys for the kids.

I found a can of red paint and started repairing and painting some old toys. Then I hid them in the basement so there would be something for Santa to deliver on Christmas morning.

Clothes were a worry too. I was sewing patches on top of patches on the boys pants and soon they would be too far gone to repair.

On Christmas Eve the usual customers were drinking coffee in the Big Wheel. There were the truckers, Les, Frank, and Jim, and a state trooper named Joe.

A few musicians were hanging around after a gig at the Legion and were dropping nickels in the pinball machine.

The regulars all just sat around and talked through the wee hours of the morning and then left to get home before the sun came up.

When it was time for me to go home at seven o'clock on Christmas morning, to my amazement, my old battered Chevy was filled full to the top with boxes of all shapes and sizes.

I quickly opened the driver's side door, crawled inside and kneeled in the front facing the back seat.

Reaching back, I pulled off the lid of the top box.

Inside was whole case of little blue jeans, sizes 2-10!

I looked inside another box: It was full of shirts to go with the jeans.

Then I peeked inside some of the other boxes. There was candy and nuts and bananas and bags of groceries. There was an enormous ham for baking, and canned vegetables and potatoes.

There was pudding and Jell-O and cookies, pie filling and flour. There was whole bag of laundry supplies and cleaning items.

And there were five toy trucks and one beautiful little doll.

As I drove back through empty streets as the sun slowly rose on the most amazing Christmas Day of my life, I was sobbing with gratitude.

And I will never forget the joy on the faces of my little ones that precious morning.

Yes, there were angels in Indiana that long-ago December. And they all hung out at the Big Wheel truck stop....

Friday, March 16, 2018

Deaf Sex

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can’t see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.

She writes a note to her husband: ‘Honey, Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.

The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn’t want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

The Birth of a Lizard

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically! )

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . ...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife..

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . .. . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that .. ...
I'm picturing you pulling on its . .. . its. . teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:


Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

Squirrels vs. Church

'Church' Squirrel

There were five country churches in a small Texas town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..

In The Ba[tist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

The Longest Words in the English Language

Thursday, March 15, 2018

Top 20 Countdown of Miscellaneous Thoughts…

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on the highway. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever..

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

Life explained...

Life explained...
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.

"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.

The Mexican explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.

The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

The American interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat."

"And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied the American.

"And after that?"
"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting," answered the American, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the Mexican.
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends."

And the moral of this story is: ......... Know where you're going in life... you may already be there.

The Ides of March

Caesar: The ides of March are come.
Soothsayer: Aye, Caesar, but not gone.

—Julius Caesar, Act III, Scene 1

Thanks to the Bard, the bloody events of 44 B.C. forever linked March 15—also called the Ides of March—with fulfilled prophecies of doom.

"That line of the soothsayer, 'Beware the ides of March,' is a pithy line and people remember it, even if they don't know why," said Georgianna Ziegler, head of reference at Washington, D.C.'s Folger Shakespeare Library.

Until that day Julius Caesar ruled Rome. The traditional Republican government had been supplanted by a temporary dictatorship, one that the famous leader very much wished to make permanent.

But Caesar's quest for power spawned a conspiracy to have him killed, and on March 15 a group of prominent Romans brought him to an untimely end in the Senate House.

Offset Calendars

Aside from its historical connection, the concept of the ides would have resonated with English citizens in 1599, the year Shakespeare's play Julius Caesar was probably performed, Ziegler said.

"This whole business of the Ides of March and timekeeping in the play would have had a strong impact on audiences," she said.

"They were really struck by the differences between their Julian calendar [a revision of the Roman calendar created by Caesar] and the Gregorian calendar kept in Catholic countries on the continent."

Because the two calendars featured years of slightly different lengths, they had diverged significantly and were several days apart.

In Roman times the Ides of March was mostly notable as a deadline for settling debts. That calendar featured ides on the 15th in March, May, July, and October or on the 13th in the other months. The word's Latin roots mean "divide," and the date sought to split the month, originally at the rise of the full moon.

But because calendar months and the lunar cycle are slightly out of sync, this connection was soon lost.

Heroes or Murderers?

The ides of March took on special significance after Caesar's assassination—but observance of the anniversary at the time varied among Roman citizens.

"How they felt depended on their political position," said Philip Freeman, a classicist at Luther College in Decorah, Iowa, and the author of Julius Caesar.
"Some were thrilled that Caesar had died, and some were horrified," he said.
The debate about Caesar's fate has extended through the ages and was taken up by some major literary figures. In Dante's Inferno, for example, Caesar is in Limbo, a relatively pleasant place in hell reserved for virtuous non-Christians.

"But Brutus [one of the leaders of the assassination] is down in the very center of hell with Judas, being munched on by Satan—it's about as bad as you can get," Freeman said.

The Folger library's Ziegler thinks the Bard had a more balanced view. 'Beware the ides of March '
"I think Shakespeare shows both of them as being humans with their own weaknesses and strong points," she said.

No matter whether they were heroes or murderers, the real-life assassins were subjected to less than pleasant outcomes.

"Within a couple of years Brutus and [fellow assassin] Cassius were dead," Freeman noted.

"They were not able to bring back the Republic, and really what they did was usher in more of a permanent dictatorship under the future Roman emperors—the opposite of what they intended."

Look at all those idiots

Smithers, (hm?) turn on the surveillance cameras
(Yes sir!) Hm. It's worse than I thought.
Each morning at nine, they trickle through the gates
They go home early, they come in late
Reeking of cheap liquor they stumble through the day
Never give a thought to honest work for honest pay
I know it shouldn't vex me
I shouldn't take it hard
I know I should ignore their capering with a kingly disregard, but

Look at all those idiots
Ooh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons
A factory full of fools
Is it any wonder that I'm singing, singing the blu-u-ues!

They make personal phone calls,
On company time.
They Xerox their buttocks,
And guess who pays the dime.

Their blatant thievery wounds me,
Their ingratitude astounds!
I long to lure them to my home,
And then release the hounds!

I shouldn't grow unsettled
When faced with such abuse.
I shouldn't let it plague me,
I shouldn't blow a fuse!

But, look at all those idiots,
ooh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons,
A factory fulll of fools.
Is it any wonder that I'm singing,
Singing the blu-u-ues.

What happened?Where are the instruments?
I believe they call this a breakdown, sir.
I can't have any breakdowns here!
What if there was an inspector around?
Play a guitar solo.
Oh,I'm a little out of practice, sir.
I said do it!!!So do it!!! do it!!! do it!!!
Yes sir.

(Guitar Solo)

Yes, excellent.Well done.
All right, it's beginning to grate.
That'll be sufficient, Smithers.
Excuse me?
I said that's enough!
Oh! Sorry sir.Thought I had my mojo working.

That man by the cooler,
Drinking water, as if it's free.
Oh. That's Homer Simpson, sir.
A drone from sector 7-G.

Yes, well, call this Simpson to my office,
And stay to watch the fun.
If he's 6 feet when he enters,
He'll be two feet when I'm done.

It brings a ray of sunshine
To my unhappy life,
To make him kneel before me,
And slowly twist the knife.

Look at all those idiots
Ohh, look at all those boobs.
An office full of morons,
A factory full of fools.
Is it any wonder, that I'm singing,
Singing the blu-u-ues.

Take me home, sir.
I'm trying.

Surrounded by idiots,
Outnumbered by boobs.
An office full of morons,
A planet full of fools.
Is it any wonder, I'm singing,
Maybe you should be singing, sir.
Oh.Singing the blu-u-ues.

(Look at all those idiots.)
Mr. Burns, you, you make Muddy Waters sound shallow and
(An office full of morons.)
cheerful, by comparison.
Thank you, Smithers.Meaningless but
(Is it any wonder.)
heartfelt compliment.
I feel like I got a few things off my chest,
and onto the chests of my inferiors.
You do .
(Look at all those idiots.)
Why are they still playing?
Office full of morons.)
They're not still on salary, are they?
We're not validating their parking, sir.

Wednesday, March 14, 2018

Open a Banana Like A Monkey

Strange Facts About The Human Body

Nose Every single day you, unless you are already bald, will lose as many as 100 strands of hair – that’s 36,500 in a year. This is rather worrying as the average human scalp has 100,000 hairs.

Nose A sneeze can blast out of your nose at a speed greater 100 mph

Nose The ashes of a cremated person weighs 9 pounds.

Nose The human body can survive longer without food than without sleep. While starvation takes a few weeks you would die after about 10 days without sleep.

Nose An average human drinks about 16, 000 gallons of water in a lifetime.

Nose Babies are born with 300 bones, but by adulthood we have only 206 in our bodies.

Nose Your heart beats some 37,000,000 times in a year. During your life it’s will beat some two-and-a-half billion times.

Nose Every square inch of your body is populated by an about 32 million bacteria.

Nose Your largest internal organ is the small intestine at an average length of 20 feet. If cut into pasta size pieces it would serve four.

Nose 85% of your brain is water.

Nose Three-hundred-million cells die in the human body every minute.

Nose The largest human organ is the skin, with a surface area of about 25 square feet.

Nose Humans shed about 600,000 particles of skin every hour - about 1.5 pounds a year. By 70 years of age, an average person will have lost 105 pounds of skin.

Nose Humans shed and regrow outer skin cells about every 27 days - almost 1,000 new skins in a lifetime.

Nose It takes 17 muscles to smile --- 43 to frown.

Nose The average duration of sexual intercourse for humans is 2 minutes. – see pigs****

Nose It is impossible to kill yourself by holding your breath.

Nose The human heart creates enough pressure to squirt blood 30 feet.

Nose You blink about 84 million times in a year.

Nose When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop-- even your heart!

Nose 40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Nose Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2 -6 years old.

Nose In the course of a lifetime the average person will grow 2 Metres of nose hair.

Nose Ladies in nudist camps tend to use more makeup than ladies elsewhere.

Nose A team of medical experts in Virginia contends you're more likely to catch the common cold virus by shaking hands than by kissing.

Nose The human tooth has 55 miles of canal in it.

Nose Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour.

Nose People have legs of slightly different lengths.

Nose The average cough comes out the mouth at 60 mph.

Nose Men / women The average person speaks about 31,500 words per day.

Nose Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

Nose It is estimated that at any one time, 0.7% of the world's population are drunk.

****Pigs: A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)